[Greydog72]

You need to tell him everything and give him time to let it sink in. You are having a conflict with yourself and he is trying to find away for you guys to get together....he has no idea. Sounds like you've already made your choice...relationship without sex. Give him the oppurtunity to decide too. Give him a oppurtunity to get emotionally ready. The longer you put it off, the harder he will take it.

Personally, I could never have a relationship like that....

Relationships are give and take. If that is all you are willing to give, then he needs to know.

From this mans prospective: if my wife told me that...I would have to leave right away...I would feel like the whole relationship was false because of how things started and ended. The seven yrs thing is true. BUT you need to learn to grown together. I have been on the bubble for yrs now and told my wife about 2 yrs ago I was ready to leave. We have done better but are still working. If you truely loved him, you will let him know.

Good Luck, for both of you

[StillLearnin]

I told my wife the same thing last year. It was after a year and a half of forcing discussions about the issues I had and about my dissatisfaction with the physical part of our marriage. A year and a half of barely any noticeable change in her. It wasn't until I told her that I have had enough and was ready to leave that she decided to take me serious.

You need to tell him, and force him to not only hear you, but listen, to you.

[SecretlySad]

Thanks so much for all your wonderful advice.

It hurts so bad because as a few people have said, he DOESN'T deserve this. We basically never have sex and still he tells me he loves me every day and still wants to spend his life with me. If he knows that I have felt this way for so long I don't know what will happen. He doesn't believe in holding in feelings to protect others and hates liars. He is never going to forgive me.

[StillLearnin]

There were times when I wished that my wife would have just told me "no, I can't have the type of sexual relationship that you need." I felt like she left me hanging for decades knowing that I need more physical love with her (my fault I let it go for so long).

Tell him how you really feel. Let him make a decision about how he wants to continue in your relationship. Don't leave him hanging.

If you do break up, and you truly are good friends, he'll eventually get over it. He will be hurt for a while, but will appreciate you being honest with him so he can get on with his life.

[rcoreyus]

You say he doesn't deserve this, but he also doesn't deserve to be in a relationship where the love has gone (or was never there). It sounds like you don't love him, so please end it - you will be doing both of you a big favor.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

IDK, we worry so much about how we will hurt someone else, yet we hurt ourselves and don't worry about "ourselves".

We only live one life in this body and so, we have to make management decisions for US and try to understand that always, one person gets hurt, always, but if we are not happy then it's silly to remain in something that makes us so un-happy, unless there is a deeper love that wants us to remain.

I think, personally, that you were only 21, young, in-experienced in alot of things of this World and I think I've said this before to you, that along the way, you've gained a best friend, but yet, Father figure as he makes all the rules of your future and as you have no say in any of that really and haven't had, and so there has to be "thank you" but there has to also be "resentment"..

I think the resentment side is why you have no inclination to have sex with him anymore, you don't feel like two souls, you feel like "two friends" and that you feel that he was a little like your "mentor" in life and as such that in itself is a bond and that's why your having trouble, moving away from that.

CW

[SecretlySad]

I think the resentment side is why you have no inclination to have sex with him anymore, you don't feel like two souls, you feel like "two friends" and that you feel that he was a little like your "mentor" in life and as such that in itself is a bond and that's why your having trouble, moving away from that.

Wow, no one has ever put it into perspective for me like that. Thanks CW.

As for the caring about hurting others part... that has always been a major problem for me that I have tried for absolute years to change in vain. I would much rather suffer in silence than see someone I care about hurt. If I hurt someone, whether intentionally or not, or because I know I need to put myself first, I feel physically ill.

Also due to my lack of self esteem, I feel as if I may never find anyone to love me as much...

[CHANDLERS WISH]

That's two separate issues.

The not wanting to hurt someone is your nature. You have a massive heart, don't change that about yourself.

The low self esteme, of feeling that no one will ever love you enough... How do you know? You were only 21...

Being a teenager and getting it wrong, or being rejected or not having great relations with the oposite sex, is understandable.

It's different when we grow and mature as we see things differently.

Spread your wings a little, at least towards yourself to start with...

If I can say as well, someone else planning your future, controlling your present, doesn't allow you to be as independent as you should be and therefore, gaining more confidence. No motor vehicle or being able to buy one for instance, thereby not being able to be independent, or get about, visit friends more, be you more.....

CW

[Mes T]

SecretlySad, just take a look across this forum and count the number of posts you've made about your relationship with this man.

It needs to end, dear. Do you want to actually take action, or sit there and fantasize about the life you could be having?

This relationship is over, and by the looks of it, has been over for a long time. You need a lover, a soul mate, NOT a close buddy.

[skipper]

It hurts so bad because as a few people have said, he DOESN'T deserve this.

I think he deserves a healthy, joyful sexual life. I don't think you can give it to him. You've tried, but it's not working. I also think you deserve a healthy, joyful sexual life and you for sure aren't getting it.

I think you should get some counseling to help figure out if you really want to be with him. It's not going to be e z, but it's necessary. The longer you put it off the worse it's going to get.