[eric101online]

(thanks for this forum) future husband struggles with her acting like wife already

Bill Maher has a point guys; maybe monogomy is not for everyone.

I am not even married yet, and I'm already getting the cold shoulder (now I know what that means!) and when she "lets me" its "hurry up and finish" no foreplay allowed;

For you women, I have to tell you as a 30 year old guy, I most likely have some issues of my own, but reading this forum really lets me know something is up;

for this many men to be struggling with the same thing is pretty messed up; for you women too? what would make women happy? less sex drive in a man?!

for me, after reading this forum, marriage is scary; commitment but limited sex; sounds like a crappy deal

im gonna try to save my marriage by proposing no limits on (or at least some flexibility) on partners

I need to get some somewhere; I want to take care of my kids and family, but not sacrifice my sex life

its pretty ridiculous; what is the professional recommendation (been going to threrapy for 2 weeks; apparently it helps get the dialogue going; but doesn't necessary bring out the the freak in her yet) ["oh no, you pervert, why do you need a freak?!"]

[Hopeless Dork]

Hi eric, this is an old thread and the OP hasn't posted since 2007 so they likely wont make it in for a reply but I think you bring up some interesting talking points.

If you read through even just the first page of these forums you will see that this issue is just as much of a problem for women as it is men. So many women come in to complain that their significant other is not interested in sex as much as them, or at all in some cases.

If you have no interest in monogomy why even bother with getting married? Why not stay single and have an open relationship. You are right to have reservations going into a sexless marriage... a lot of people have hopes that their love one will change and in most cases don't. You have to decide if you can work with them on it, but they are going to have to want to in order for any real change to happen.

[nk444]

something's amiss

I lost interest in my husband shortly after marriage. It's not hormones and it's not medications. I've had this little secret for 15 years, since I was 27, so I know that it's more than hormones and/or medications and it's not stress or depression either. I truly believe that I lost interest because I lost the passion for him once we were married and it never came back.

So, here I sit, married for 19 years to a man that I have no attraction to whatsoever. You would be wise to end the marriage after you exhausted all the possible avenues for "fixing" the problem.

[WildChild]

What I wonder is why this happens? It seems to happen with both women and men. We've had plenty of input from both sides on this. For myself whenever I've shut down it's been a temporary thing because my needs aren't being met. We all carry blueprints in our subconscious about how things should work, a script if you will. The ones for marriage seem to be especially strong, I think it's part of the reason people can live together for years doing just fine and then marry and have it all fall apart in short order - they change their behavior to fit their marriage script. There must be a lot of people who's expectations for marriage is for there to be no sexual enjoyment.

This may be based on what we thought was the case in our parents marriages. Religion may play a role, how can you grow up hearing not to touch yourself or anyone else, that it's sinful, wrong, on and on and then say a few words, sign on the line and now it's ok and you should become a sexual expert? Doesn't happen, it's too deeply ingrained not to.

How much of this is a matter of some careless hurtful words, ignoring your spouse's needs, being self focused, not listening (on not talking) until the other shuts down in dispair unable to maintain a level of desire that isn't filled? Likely there are many causes, in some cases talking it through and taking some care and time for each other will resolve the problem, in other case it amy be best to walk away and give each other the freedom to find someone more compatable. Only those in the relationship can decide what is best in their case. Life is short really, and I believe, meant to be joyful why waste yourselves in self imposed deprevation? Talk about it, try some counseling or therapy and if you can't resolve it either decide to live with it without being a martyr or walk away.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

eric101online..

At the best there, you have a sense of humor and that's a definate must for a woman, make her laugh..

I often think if one or the other feel like they are just there for "sex" , they feel used and consequently, just can't cut it.

If a woman is not made to believe she is sexy, beautiful, and loved for just her, a look in the eyes to her, of love instead of bring it on baby, oh yeah, roll over, thanks for that, would that make the difference in all the world?

And, does that only happen at the beginning, then the later seems to come into play?

CW