[Mary_Johnson]

Im 28 years old and my husband is 43. We have had a very healthy sexual relationship up until about a year ago when he started having high blood pressure. He was put on meds and over the course of the year sex has gone from twice a month to i keep praying he bumps into me from behind. I am at the point now to were im starting to resent him because he has a prescription for viagra but has no intrest in taking it. I am needing some support from any woman who is going through something like this. I feel like a failure as a wife...well i dont even feel like a wife anymore.

[grrrr]

HOLY COW... Preaching to the CHOIR... where have you been for all of my life!

I'm in the same boat. I'm 32, hubs 49/50. Same deal. I FINALLY had a good "flooging" - I mean - "TALKING TO" this past weekend.... it turns out that it comes down to total "embarrassment" on their behalf. I asked why he just couldn't try, and he said that it likely wouldn't happen, and it was really a terrible feeling for him not to be able to get it up.

It's strange. Apparently, the "horney" feelings are still there, but the libido is low, and clearly, the ability to achieve an erection is very difficult (note: did not use the word "hard" for a reason ) - you're lucky that he even sought out viagara.

I honestly don't know what the next step is in terms of "getting it on" is, but at least he has gone to the doc, gotten a percription and actually filled it. My man has yet to do that.

I guess the next chapter here is just having a conversation with him. It's quite possible that he's afraid that the Viagra won't work.... do you know if he's had his testosterone levels checked? I'm making my dude do that. that can have a MAJOR effect on libido.

Well, I don't know if that helps, or if it's just venting on my part - but know that you're NOT alone.... but you have a good egg if he went to get the perscription. Seriously, have a "heart to heart" - not the easiest thing to do, but don't be mean, whatever you do.... be patient, be kind, and listen.... it's amazing how men will open up if you let them.... and perhaps the "fear" of you not understanding will go away, and he'll take the meds, not be scared, and you'll have a good night (and perhaps a good morning too )

[Texasred]

....I guess the next chapter here is just having a conversation with him. It's quite possible that he's afraid that the Viagra won't work.... do you know if he's had his testosterone levels checked? I'm making my dude do that. that can have a MAJOR effect on libido...

That's certainly true.
Also, there's no such thing as being "horny" but having no "libido" - they're one and the same.
Keep in mind too that Viagra may not be the magic bullet - it's not for everyone. Some have much better results with other drugs; Cialis for example is not so "time-sensitive" as Viagra ("Sorry sir, your hour is up!"), and it also is tolerant of food intake - Viagra is not - and is tolerant of alcohol intake (which is pretty much the anti-Viagra anyway, but sometimes a little relaxation is worth it).
Note too that sometimes these drugs work better the more often they're taken. It might be the second or third (or fourth, or fifth) try before you see the best results.

And finally: you might have your hubby ask his doctor about alternate blood pressure meds that don't have the hugely undesirable side-effect that you've noted! Not all blood-pressure treatments reduce libido or cause ED!

Your husband is fortunate to have someone who still wants him!
Best regards,
TR

[grrrr]

And finally: you might have your hubby ask his doctor about alternate blood pressure meds that don't have the hugely undesirable side-effect that you've noted! Not all blood-pressure treatments reduce libido or cause ED!

Your husband is fortunate to have someone who still wants him!
Best regards,TR

That's a really great point. I know that for my hubs, there are no alternatives - but he has circumstances that aren't just based on high BP. He has to take a few meds - so this is great advice Texas....

Honestly - it's not the "best" conversation ever to have, but at least you can have one. I waited for way too long and kind of confused "lonliess" with "resentment" - and I never wanted to be resentful of something that might not be "fixable" -- communicate.

While I know that I'm certainly not the one to ask for advice, I can at least offer you things NOT TO DO.... I've been there. Don't be mean, at the end of the day he's feeling worse than you are, TRUST ME.

DO NOT blame yourself - it has nothing to do with how he feels toward you...

Listen, and honestly, I think that it's ok to ask questions. You're married. You're in this together..... if he knows and understands that you're there for him (it took me too long to get there - words from the wise on this one) - he'll do what he can to try to make this better.

It sucks. I know. But at least he's trying.... and it sounds like you're a great partner who is willing to help him figure everything out. Again DO NOT BE MEAN.... Been there done that.... Don't advise.... and I feel bad about in retrospect.

The mark of a "true" partner is someone who has our back regardless.

[Texasred]

Y'all are better off than me: I "confessed" some of my fears to my wife, only to have her say words to the effect of "stop whining," and find that she had been perfectly happy not having to "put up with" sex...
I can tell you, it'll be a cold day in the Hot Place before I let my guard down again.

[maverick]

I worked for a pharmaceutical company back in the 80's. We had a (then) new product for hyertension (high blood pressure) called Cardizem (diltiazem). It was a blockbuster drug in it's day because it was one of the few drugs of it's kind that did not cause impotence as a side effect. (Most of us guys would rather die of a heart attack than have impotence.) Today, there are numerous drugs for treating hypertension that do not cause impotence. Your husband should talk to his doctor about switching medications. But the penis is a fine indicator of cardiovascular health. ED generally means that there are circulatory issues, which may indicate more severe problems. It sounds like your husband is getting medical treatment, but if that is not the case, he should have a full physical and blood screen. After that, the doctor can adjust his meds appropriately.

You are NOT a failure as a wife. You care about your husband and want your sex life back. That makes you a raging success, in my book. As Texasred pointed out above, Viagra is not always the best choice. You really have to plan sex around it as it only lasts about 4 hours and it takes an hour to go into effect. Levitra last 12 hours and Cialis up to 36. Cialis also has a once a day dosage now to keep your motor running all the time. At your (and his) age, that might be a good option. Suggest that you go to the Cialis web site and read the information for partners of people with ED. There is no sliver bullet when it comes to ED, but a caring compassionate partner can go a long way to restoring a satisfying sex life for both of you. Hang in there and work with him to get over this.

[Texasred]

...There is no sliver bullet when it comes to ED, but a caring compassionate partner can go a long way to restoring a satisfying sex life for both of you.

Yes there is a "silver bullet," and you've identified it...