[Msfox]

My bf has lost his sex drive due to depression and the anti depressants I am so unhappy we hardly ever have sex unless I'm at the point of tears and he knows how frustrated I am then he will just do it to keep me happy but I no he doesn't want to we only do it max of 3-4 times a month it is making me feel unwanted and I keep crying. I don't want to go off with other men I just want him back to how he used to be everyone says I need to back off n that I am putting him under pressure trouble is I have needs too and nobody seems to care about how I am feeling in all of this please don't tell me to get loads of toys as I already have has anyone been thro this with their partner and waited until the sex drive returns our relationship is hanging by a thread we both want to stay together but it's pushing us apart x

[jns]

Can he and does he stimulate you to the point you climax using hands or orally? There are many other forms of intimacy other than penetration. Does he do other things for you: is he thoughtful? Maybe the meds are affecting his ability to perform. Has he talked to his doctor about his meds and how they are affecting his libido?

[Msfox]

Hi thanks for your reply yes he does stimulate me manually and orally but it is usually me who initiates it. His medication prevents him reaching orgasm which he gets do annoyed about. He tells me he never thinks about sex and nothing turns him on he has been under the gp who cut his dose in half to see if that helped his sex drive which it didn't it just increased his depression I went to the dr with him last week as he was really bad his behavior was not normal in fact he went on a five day hunger strike and took a few too many sleeping pills. The gp has referred him to the mental health team and he has an appt next Thursday. He is displaying all the symptoms of bi polar disease so he is going to be assessed. Before all this started we had an amazing sex life and he was often the one who wanted sex now it's like he is just going thro the motions and only seems to climax if we are watching a porn movie together. I know what we had together before and it's so sad that it's been taken away he assures me he still fancies me he is very loving considerate and very affectionate with me and loves cuddling me but it's not enough I'm at the point now where this has been going on for months and I wondering if his sex drive will ever return. Do I stay with him in the hope things will improve or find a new partner who wants me sexually without me having to beg. We have only been together for two years and living together the last year.

[A Dying Breed]

Can he and does he stimulate you to the point you climax using hands or orally? There are many other forms of intimacy other than penetration. Does he do other things for you: is he thoughtful? Maybe the meds are affecting his ability to perform. Has he talked to his doctor about his meds and how they are affecting his libido?

There are certain anti-depressants to take away the ability to desire sex. So it probably isn't his ability to perform, as I have never taken an anti-depressant or anti-anxiety that caused ED, but I did take Seroquel and Paxil which both just took away my complete desire for orgasms (pretty depressing for anti-depressants lol) to the point where I didn't even masturbate.

[A Dying Breed]

Ok, you've got a bunch of questions, so here goes:

Should you leave him?
Not if you love him, because this is more than likely not permanent. If you don't really love him that much but just loved the sex, then find someone else. If you love him for more reasons than sex, then why are you even thinking about it?

And before any meds are adjusted, he needs to be stabilized first. This may take another month or two, but he needs to act a 'Dean Winchester' and be pulled out of HEL (because thats what depression is like) and brought back to the normal world. It would also be helpful if he was brought out of his depression by someone he loves (he probably thinks you're an angel). I know it sounds really stupid to use a "Supernatural" reference, but it's pretty appropriate in this case.

Once he is stabilized (no suicidal thoughts, no full on breathless anxiety attacks, eating well, having good hygiene, and actually giving a about more things) then is the time to consult with the doctor on dosages and alternate medications. Changing his meds around while his Saratonin and dopamine chemicals are still jumping all around the place just makes everything worse.


Once he is stabilized, if changing medications is the best option, doing it slowly is how to do it, over weeks at a time. So again this process may take up to but probably not less than 4-5 months. If you aren't going to be able to be patient for him and support him in his time of need (and he does need you right now), then get out now before he is in a more vulnerable position.

You need to make the decision now. Leaving him when he is unstable (such as changing or adjusting meds) can be very dangerous. So you need to make the decision now. If you aren't going to break up with him now, you need to stick with him no matter what. If you are going to cut ties with him, you need to do it when he is most stable (if you choose to leave him, know that it is going to decrease his depression tenfold if he loves you. I'm not trying to worry you, and your happiness of course comes first, but I'm just painting the picture for you.)

Again, this will eventually end. Once stabilized, medicines can be tweaked to raise sex drive. He could even take a testosterone pill with the anti-depressants, as long as his body doesn't reject the combination. I was in a very similar situation. Now I have sex 4-5 times a week, sometimes more. So I would be willing to bet this is going to be temporary, and just requires patience.

P.S. Punctuation is your friend.

[A Dying Breed]

Also I couldnt edit it, but the reference is Dean being pulled out of H-E-L-L.

Thats the only way I could describe the depression I had.

Words like "sad, depressed, miserable, unhappy" and etc. just don't do it justice. So I know that's a word blocked out on the filters, and you can delete it out or whatever.

But it is honestly the only word I have ever found appropriate describing depression to someone that doesn't deal with it. For those who do understand depression, no explanation is really needed. For those who can't understand, no explanation can really be given.

The English and Romance languages were never meant to be able to describe mental health problems. So 'H-E-L-L' is the only real way anybody who doesnt have it can even contemplate what it's like.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

What about, "the deepest, darkest black hole, where they say people burn"

[A Dying Breed]

What about, "the deepest, darkest black hole, where they say people burn"

It's much longer and pretty much means the same thing. Problem is, burning isn't the right word. It's more than that. And I really can't describe it

[Msfox]

Hi thanks for your replies. I think your comparison to supernatural is superb it also happens to be one of my favourite programs. You ask me if I love him the answer is yes, with all my heart! If I didn't love him I would have been off with someone else a long time ago. I have thought long and hard about how my leaving him would effect him and would not be able to live with myself if he did anything silly. So basically what you ate saying is that I need to be more supportive and patient towards him? I will keep you posted about how we progress thanks for taking the time to respond

[Hopeless Dork]

When it comes to depression/medications for depression and sex drive its really a case of 6 in one hand and half a dozen in the other.

Depression meds can descrease sex drive.... but Depression, without meds can decrease a sex drive AND cause a person to lose interest in life in general. Serious depression needs treatment but perhaps the doctor can work with him to find something that helps him enjoy life AND sex.

You are not wrong for how you feel.... sex isn't just the orgasm. Its feeling wanted and desirable. Since he has no interest in sex its bound to effect your self esteem even though it has nothing to do with you why he doesn't want sex.

He needs your support now more than ever, but he also needs to understand that in order to support him through this... you also need to have your needs met... at least half way. Talking to him, telling him though he doesn't have interest in orgasm for himself right now, that being intimate with him, being sexual, even if its him touching you... him inniciating that ... makes you feel what you need to feel, wanted.

Its likely because he is having erection problems and trouble orgasming that he feels inadequate for you sexually, he needs your reassurance that he still pleases you in those other ways.... and that when his drive kicks back in you will take care of him ... even in times when your drive weans and wanes.. as it may.

Its a team effort. He needs you to be understanding but you, yourself also need his understanding. Communication without making each other feel guilty bad or wrong is the best way to start.