[Joey]

Try to keep an open mind, but don't hold how you feel inside.

yeah you are definitly right. I am so scared in chatting to him about it tonight. Im so emotional about it now that i just dont want to break down in front of him. I just want to make sure that I get all my feelings out.

I will try and keep and open mind, but i am going to find it hard. I cant really see any positives in this to keep an open mind about it.

I was saying to Jo today that i almost wish that i was able to fantasise about other guys when having sex with my boyfriend, because then i wouldnt be feeling like this. I would then see it as a more normal thing to do. i feel totally and utterly disrespected.

[jns]

Sometimes when someone calls out a name, it doesn't mean that they are thinking about that person, it is more of a first thing that pops in their head, free association type of thing. I have done that in trying to remember a name. As soon as I say it, I know that it is wrong, but was not able to stop before saying it. Its like verbalizing it, even inadvertently, helps to confirm that it is the wrong name. Fortunately, I have not done that when having sex.

[Hopeless Dork]

One thing that should keep you from fearing him thinking of others during sex is to be an active participant in it... keep the lights on ... or at least the room lit up enough for him to see you, talk to him, engage him in whats happening right then and there.

Men are not known for being awesome multi taskers, I think it would be way too complicated for them to enjoy the physical sensations you are giving them, to enjoy hearing your sexy words, to watch you do sexy things AND manage to fantasize about someone else the whole time.


They most likely turn to fantasy during masturbation, when staring at their own penis isn't enough stimulation to break them through to orgasm so if you keep the sex stimulating and are engaged and engaging him in it... i think his mind will be too busy with you to deteor to fantasyland.

But if its dark, and quiet... and he only has physical stimulation... i can see where fantasy can creep in, disgusting and disrespecting as it may be.

But even if he manages to sneak in a fantasy... being able to keep the focus on you and not someone elses name... is essential. I'd give him this one... but if it happened again I don't think I'd be able to get past him not wrapping his head around who is making love to him and using the right names or shutting up.

[JadedQueen]

when you talk to him make sure you are calm when you do it. You don't want him to feel ackward, because he may not be able to open up and talk to you about this.

[pretzel]

when you talk to him make sure you are calm when you do it. You don't want him to feel ackward, because he may not be able to open up and talk to you about this.

I disagree.

Sometimes embarassment and shame are necessary to get the point across. He needs to know in no uncertain terms how she felt about this.

If she's this ticked off about it then take the gloves off.

Yeah, what he did was that bad.

[Fallen1]

Agree that it would be a big put off.

My opinion, if you're fantasizing about someone else, then you not putting you best effort into making love to the person you're with.

That's just not right.

I agree with pretzel.

[Mes T]

Personally, I would be devastated if that happened, and it might just be a deal breaker for me unless he was willing to put forth a LOT of effort piecing my self-esteem and trust back together.

Let us know how it goes. I'm really curious about this one!

[Joey]

Hiya - its Em, hogging Jo's account again.

Me and the boyfriend had a huge chat about what happened. He was so upset, and you could just tell by looking at him how disgusted he was with himself. He was saying to me that he couldnt explain why he did that. He said that he wasnt thinking of her when we were having sex. He said that he didnt know if it was because he had watched an episode of Hollyoaks that day and she was in it that triggered something. He was just as confused as I was.

He was incredibly apologetic and promised that it would never happen again. There was a lot of him telling me how precious I was and that he didnt want to lose me over this and how much he loved me and cherished me. I believe every word he says as he does treat me like a princess and always puts me first.

I made sure he knew exactly how I felt. I didnt think there was any point of me holding back or even trying to work out the postitives of what he did, because for me there wasnt any. I told him how hurt I was, and how much it has made me worry about having sex with him again - not just because of worrying whether or not he is thinking of me, but also because he made me feel ugly and disgusting at the prospect of calling out someone elses name instead of mine. I made sure that he knew that what he did hurt me more then anything, and that I couldnt cope emotionally if he did that too me again. I felt that i had to tell him everything I felt because otherwise it would just eat me away inside.

We are still together, but i really think our sex life is going to go straight down the pan. Im going to be constantly fretting about what hes thinking, and hes going to be fretting and concentrating more on not saying anything. Together, we are just going to be focusing on nothing but worrying, so I cant imagine the sex is going to be great at all.

I am still with him. I cant bear to loose him. But i dont know whether to have a bit of space away from him, not a huge space, but a space where i can hopefully remove this from my head.

[Mes T]

Actually temporary space might be a really good idea. Not a break-up, but just... a break. Some time to think and move past what happened.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I think age has a bit to do with it....

Youth have crushes and they do respect their girlfriends, but they aren't looking at the picket fence yet.

Where as the girls are looking at the picket fence.

So, remember that bit.


He may still live in the fantasy world of life.... Stick to your guns and be a bit tough, he needs to realise that if he wants you he has to respect you and your important to him, and fantasy of any description, there is no room for it.

CW