[juicyfruit]

I recently posted a thread where I said my husband doesn't want to have sex with me. I found out, that he has entered this adult site so I have created fake name, age, and I joined only to see what is going on with him. I caught him online and we chatted for about an hour. Nothing sexual more marriage advice. I found out he just feels blah and bored a little. He has been turning me down but doesn't tell me why. We don't talk sex, he never wants to talk about are intimate stuff so I feel hurt. I don't know how to turn him on, what to do to make him happy. I wish he could open up and do things for me...
My question is what can I do, in your opinion to warm him up again. I don't want him looking to porn sites when i'm here, and I want to discover new things. What should be my first step to make him say wow...We are together 6 years and at first never had any issues. I think there are times he makes those problems just to have excuse to look for something else...but please help me...give me some ideas because I'm lost and confused.

[stressed]

When I first moved in with my SO I found he had an account on a dating site, talking with local (bi) men/ (straight) women (at the time we only had sex once a month). But he had this account before he met me. I told him to close his account, he swore that he did, but he was still there. So, I made an account there too, asked a few guys about what the website is about, they all said it was either to meet people for sex or just chat. I had a few guys trying to meet me as well. My SO's description was "it feels weird to have a description on such a website, so just leave me a message and we'll see how it goes". I left him a message saying that this is a website for people who want to meet to have sex, what was he expecting to happen? I told him it was me and showed him my frustration. Then, when he came home, I was away for a while to let him read it. He closed the account a few days later and we talked about it. He also asked me to close my account there too, as he was worried I'd meet up with other guys.

I don't think pretending to be a stranger is going to solve the problem. It's too much effort and it can take months for him to tell you something you may find important, but even then he may not be telling the truth. Talk to him about your sex life, tell him that you saw this website, ask him why he needs to go to such a place, what is he missing. Before saying you don't want him to watch porn, ask him questions about what he wants. It's important to give him the impression that you want him to be happy first and then make it about yourself. If you just say "I don't want you there" he will find you controlling. But if he tells you what he is missing and you want to try to give that to him, it would only be fair for him to stop and you to make the effort to please him.

He has to tell you what he likes though, he has to talk about intimacy and sex. It won't work otherwise.

[jns]

Excellent advice from stressed and an innovative approach.

[rcoreyus]

Hello juicyfruit. This is also a site where people take about marriage advice. Maybe he is even here?

For some reason it is much easier to talk to an anonymous stranger than to your own spouse. (That's what I'm doing here). I don't know why that is - maybe it is that anonymous rejection can be ignored, but rejection from your spouse is too painful.

Have you made it easy for him to tell you what he is really thinking? I know that I have a difficult time saying some personal things to my wife because she is so easily upset. Maybe if you can show him (it will take a while) that you wont' get upset, he will be more willing to talk.

[Texasred]

Having "an open and frank discussion" with your SO isn't always the solution: I tried coming right and asking my wife why she didn't seem to want to have sex anymore, and the answer I got was not, shall we say, "constructive."
So I'm thinking I might have been better off if I could have talked to her anonymously, as juicyfruit did her SO.

[rcoreyus]

Texased, you are right of course in some cases. I also got nothing but an upset reaction when I suggested the same to my spouse. I still think its worth a try at least once though.

[LilahX]

I He has been turning me down but doesn't tell me why. We don't talk sex, he never wants to talk about are intimate stuff so I feel hurt. .

YOu do know that he's 'bored' and that's only natural after a few years (the famous '7 year itch' isn't a fallacy). It may be cliche, but may try spicing things up, subtley to start with. If you don't have any idea what his fantasies might be then experiment. See if lingerie gets a reaction, or leaving a sexy note in his lunch, or in his pocket, or wallet telling him how much yr looking forward to your next liaison. Make a dinner date and go 'commando' but don't tell him till yr sitting at the table. There are so many possibilities, I just hope he's responsive to one or more of them.

Sorry to say, but unless he IS willing to talk about things, this issue will never be resolved. There is no way to 'fix' anything unless you know what needs fixing but maybe you taking a lead can get a conversation started. Don't be judgemental or complaining. Ensure it's about the both of you, not just him. Don't let him fob you off with 'I don't want to talk about it'. Not talking is a recipe for eventual disaster.