[sarasbluegroove]

Hi, I don't like giving my bf bj's, and i am not a big fan of receiving oral either. I have never cum during oral, and i always feel guilty through the whole process because it takes so long, and i end up losing interest. Bj's seem to mean a lot to my boyfriend, and i don't understand why at all. I don't find much pleasure in him giving me oral. The way it goes now is i go down on him once in a great while, and he's beginning to make me feel really guilty about it.
I'm not sure if i am the one who needs the attitude change, or he needs to except the fact that i am uncomfortable doing it. Seriously, my lips get really chapped after and during (i already have probs with my lips, i have eczema that flairs up on my lips when they are irritated) my jaws hurt a lot, and he only ever wants to see how "deep" he can go, which then makes me gag (i gag on peas, never mind something very large in the back of my throat!).

Right now both of us are miserable, because he really wants Bj's, but feels guilty when he makes me feel guilty for not wanting to do it. I don't mind pleasuring him down there at all, it's the process of actually making him cum that puts a damper on it. I don't like to stay down there until he's finished, i lose interest, and start to want to have sex to finish. Because i know i won't get sex if he cums in my mouth. He tries to give me oral after i am done, but again, oral is not that pleasurable to me, so it's not much of a trade off for me.
I also harbor some resentment, because i rarely cum. Don't get me wrong, i know he does his best during sex for me, but i feel like i am the failure at this. We use vibrators sometimes during sex, and i used to come at first, but i haven't cum with the vibrator in a while now. I feel like when i start expecting to cum, it doesn't happen, and it's very frustrating, therefore, i like to have sex a lot more to have the smallest chance of possibly cumming this time.

Mostly i am writing this down so i can get my feelings down, but any advice would be appreciated.

[jns]

Do you masturbate? Without a vibrator? Can he masturbate you? It sounds like you are being turned off by his approach to sex, which is the reason you rarely cum. At the fastest, how fast have you climaxed and by what method?

[sarasbluegroove]

I masturbate, but not often, and i just recently figured out how to make myself cum, and only with a vibrator and the shower head. I have posted about not being able to cum while masturbating here before, but i thought since i figured it out, i could move on. I'm thinking some of my sexual problems are due to the birth control pill i am on, because i love sex a whole lot more when i am off of it for the week of my period, but i can't change my pill until i get back to the states, i am currently abroad. But i don't think that will solve all of my problems.

[sallywi2003]

I think one of the reasons you do not cum or orgasm is you are putting to much stress on yourself. Sex should not be work it should be ejoyable. You need to take the time to simply enjoy a slow session of sex maybe using vibrators to start and get your self excited and before you are going ot orgasm have him go down on you and do some oral sex on you and play with your clitoris. It drives me crazy. After a little oral sex then finish it off with a nice round of intercourse and hopefully you will orgasm then. Don't put stress on yourself.

In regards to oral sex on him I essentially did not like it at the beginning but now enjoy it because it makes my BF hasppy. In regards to oral sex my BF like me to go all the way down and he likes to ogasm in my mouth but this whole session my take about 3 minutes total. The aspect of going deep on his penis took awhile to master I still gag once in a while but not ofter .Does your man have a lot of stamina? Maybe you should finish your love making session giving oral sex so it it not a drawn out affair and you get bored. It sounds like you should try some different scenarios and make it enjoyable just my thought.

[rcoreyus]

Oral sex is really important to some men, so it is worth trying. Maybe you can find out what part he really likes and do other things most of the time. Maybe hands or intercourse, then just finish him with your mouth. Or maybe just start that way - it all depends on what excites him. Maybe licking rather than sucking? Find out what he likes, what part of oral is important to him.

It sounds like he is trying to please you even if he is not succeeding. That is a very good sign - if you can figure out what you like, it sounds like he would be happy to do it. (many people are not nearly so lucky with their partners). Maybe there is something different he can do with oral for you - men aren't born knowing what women like - they need to be told / shown. I bet he would be happy to learn.

[Allie602]

Don't feel guilty about taking time to find what works for you. Not expecting your bf to help you orgasm will make you even more resentful and be less interested in sex with him and you may loose interest in him altogether. He does not sound like a selfish bf so I think that he will want to do whatever it takes to make sure you are satisfied. Orgasms are easy for men and they can get them in a varieties of ways. I would change the balance is sex right now so that things work out better for the relationship.

First sit down with him outside of the BR and explain what you both need to do and tell him exactly what you said here in a non-confrontational manner. Tell him that it will to your mutual benefit to make things better in you sexual relationship. That's why you need to ask him to make it a priority to work on your issues right now. Tell him that it will take him time for him to learn, with your help, how to satisfy you. Let him know that you are exploring how to get orgasms with masturbation and that it will help to find out what works for you. Tell him you want to take time for you to orgasm when he gives you oral sex. What ever you do, don't feel guilty about the time it takes for you to orgasm when you have sex, just relax and don't think about time just have fantisies. Tell him that you want to orgasm first when you have sex and then he can orgasm. If a man loves you he will make sure you orgasm before he does. If he goes before you he may not be as enthusiastic and you may feel that he is rushing. When you are satisfied you will be much more motivated to give him extras like bj where you work hard to get him an orgasm and you not get anything out of it.

You may want to hold off on the bj for him right now if it causing you to be resentful and work on him satisfying you first. Watching a man have orgasms while making love to you is not good for a relationship, especially when you are working so hard giving him a bj for his orgasm and there is really no satisfaction for you. Resentment is natural when sex is about one person getting all the orgasms and the other left frustrated. Mutual satisfaction is the goal and you need to take time to get there and your bf has to take the time and have the patience to get you there. Guilt has no place here.

Some suggesting about masturbation: fantasizing about something that you find erotic while masturbating will make it easier to orgasm. It will take some time to find the technique and place to touch that is your sweet spot to make you orgasm. Be patient with yourself just remember that this is an exploratory period, so don't plan to orgasm yet so you are not disappointed.

The right technique is different for each woman but having a period of learning will payoff in the end. Two things it take time to explore and it takes time to orgasm when you are first leaning so don't stop too soon. It will get better in time. The more you know your own body you can guide your bf about what works.

[LilahX]

I only know of one man (b/f of a good friend) who doesn't like oral. Every other guy I know is a huge fan and I don't think it's unreasonable for them to expect to get it regularly. However you do need to make it clear that him trying to ram it down your throat is a no-no. It's all about compromise. I find that by using my (well lubed) hand as well as my mouth creates so much pleasure they don't care that it's not all mouth. Make a tight righ of your thumb and forefinger and have it just under your mouth and apply pressure with it as you move down, then release a bit when you come up etc etc

It really bothers me when women say they get bored giving oral. For me, knowing the man I love is getting immense pleasure is enough to keep me wanting to do it and prolong his pleasure. But then I don't see it as unpleasant or a chore. Vary your technique and speed, tease him. It's not all about deep throat and pumping like a demented vacuum cleaner. But then if he is just after the end result rather than the sensuality and intimacy of the experience finishing him off quickly is the best idea.

Don't be so concentrated on achieving an orgasm if yr having difficulties. Make sure you can get there by yourself before trying to bring it into your time with your b/f. Getting there (with or without him) is 95% about what headspace you're in.