[LizzyBrighton1985]

Ok I am probably being completely paranoid but I have been with my partner for two months now and there have been more than one occasion that he has lost his erection.

He is older than me, I am 25 and he is 33, and we are still getting to know each other, he doesn't drink but he is a smoker. I don't know whether these factors could be a cause.

This morning it happened again, I gave him oral yesterday and he did ejaculate but when we had sex this morning he lost his erection. I mentioned it to him and asked if I did something wrong and he got a bit defensive. Now I feel worse because I am scared he might go off me for making him feel inadequate or seek sex elsewhere to reaffirm his masculinity! (I have a tendancy to be irrational and suffer with anxiety).

I am a bit confused as a couple of weeks ago he came over and we had sex four times over two days, he managed to maintain an erection then. I don't know whether I am doing something wrong or this is just his problem.
Any advice?

[Day Tripper]

First off, and listen carefully : You are not doing anything wrong. I'll say it again. "You are not doing anything wrong!" However, if you love each other, it is just not his problem, it's a problem that you share in the bedroom together and it will bother both of you outside the bedroom too. There are a number of things that could be cause this problem. At his age - a young 33 year old man - psychologically, it could be fatigue, lack of sleep, anxiety, depression - physically, it could be other things, perhaps diabetes, and many smokers have this problem also. I am pretty much an expert in this area since i had ED (Erectile Disfunction) for about 7 years and I had been through the whole array of treatments. These kinds of things are not easy on the woman or the man and the man suffers psychologically because offen, he is the one that has to "rise" to the occasion and perform - no pun intended. However, often the woman will think it has something to do with her (he's not turned on by her, she did something wrong, etc.). In 99% of the cases, this is simply not the case. If you just said this happened once or twice, I wouldn't worry too much about it - just shrug it off, however, since you are saying it happened on multiple occasions, it is a bit more serious and reason for concern. In all cases, the first thing to do is consult a doctor - start with a GP and move to a Urologist if necessary. After diabetes is ruled out, many doctors will begin treatment using pills such as Viagra, Cialis, or Levitra. This usually works in most males and the problem is solved in the short-term and sometimes that's all it takes. The main thing is that you don't let this come between the both of you. Assure him that you love him and that you will do whatever it takes to support him and that together you will fix what is wrong. ED is something that, if left untreated and ignored, has the potential to destroy lives and relationships, so don't let this happen. It's hard for most men to discuss these things with their partner - let alone a doctor, but, the fastest way to normality is through open communications. The reason he may not have this problem with oral sex is that that is sometimes more stimulating to a man physically and mentally, and that might be the reason why he stays hard in that area. However, there should also be no problems with intercourse, so if he is losing erections, there is something wrong. Remember, don't blame him and don't blame yourself. It's something that happens and it is treatable.

[LizzyBrighton1985]

Hi

Thanks for responding, it is reassuring at least to know that I am not the problem. I am not sure if I am being over sensitive. It may also be worth mentioning we are both recovering drug addicts and though he is a year clean it could be affecting his erections. When I asked him about it this morning he said he was just tired.

I am anxious that I could have put him off me just by bringing it up and this could make sex between us more difficult in the future but I wanted to be open with him. Now I am afraid I have dented his masculinity and could push him away when I just want to bring him closer.

[pretzel]

Hi

Thanks for responding, it is reassuring at least to know that I am not the problem. I am not sure if I am being over sensitive. It may also be worth mentioning we are both recovering drug addicts and though he is a year clean it could be affecting his erections. When I asked him about it this morning he said he was just tired.

I am anxious that I could have put him off me just by bringing it up and this could make sex between us more difficult in the future but I wanted to be open with him. Now I am afraid I have dented his masculinity and could push him away when I just want to bring him closer.

I wouldn't go that far. You don't push someone away by accepting that it happened. Taking him at his word helps advance the relationship.

[Day Tripper]

Sounds to me like he doesn't want to discuss it so just take his word for it and don't put any pressure on him. If he walks away because of this, then, obviously, he wasn't worth his salt in the first place. Plus, if he does have a problem, it won't matter who he's with, he'll have to face up to it eventually. If he isn't with you, it's not your problem. If it happens again with you, be gentle, get him off manually or orally, and if he still doesn't respond, tell him it's cool, baby, and stay close. He will probably open up to you either way. Just don't blame yourself and nag him about it. Let him come to you. If he digs you, then he'll open up.

[Texasred]

It could also be that having sex daily is just a little too much for him, and smoking could certainly figure into this too.

[Winterwhites]

Give it time and be supportive

I came upon this page a month ago when I was looking for guidance on this question, and I want to post now that I have more insight on my own situation.

My boyfriend and I are both in our late twenties. We met about seven months ago, and we went really slowly because I has just gotten out of a really horrible relationship (abusive, etc.). I also asked - twice -if we could walk things back (i.e., not be exclusive/boyfriend girlfriend), the first time before we had done anything other than some really tame kissing, and the second time after we had had oral sex. He then went away for over a month for work reasons, and our status was ambiguous. I realized I missed him and that I had been unreasonable, so when he returned, I apologized and we started dating again (this was about seven weeks ago). We also had a lot of awkwardness about how to spend time together; in retrospect, I think he was trying to be respectful and not mess things up. I also know that he hasn't had many serious relationships partly because he was so busy with many years of grad school and moved countries, and I think he now wants something lasting. He is also from another country (I'm white and American) and we are technically in an interracial relationship (which didn't occur to me until about a month ago, which may mean I was not being very sensitive to his racial background), I'm close to my family and he isn't as much, and he often says I'm the better looking one in the relationship, which I think is stupid to say because I don't think it's true (I think we are a hot couple ), and I find him incredibly handsome and sexy. These factors could (?) have made him more timid in his demeanor toward me as well.

A week after we got back together, and after a weekend in which we spoke of many personal things and grew closer emotionally, we were kissing in his bed, and I asked him if he wanted to have sex. Then I thought, oh wait, we should talk about std's, so I breathlessly and quickly asked him when the last time he had been tested was, and we had been tested around the same time and came back negative. He reached out for a condom and almost immediately lost his erection. I was stunned (this had never happened to me before), and he told me he was embarrassed and that this had happened to him just once before. I said it was no big deal and just hugged and kissed him until we fell asleep.

I asked three people what was going on and what to do: a straight guy, a gay guy and a straight girl. The straight guy said it could be a lot of things. My gay friend said he was probably lying about the fact that it had only happened once and to gear up for bad sex if I wanted to stay with him. When I asked a girlfriend if she had ever had this problem, she said she had and that I needed to act like it was normal, tell him qualities I liked about him, and perhaps surprise him with kisses and then make a go of it. The following night, I did just that. We said good night, lay there for a second, and I just turned over and started kissing him passionately, we had sex (without a condom in light of our test results). He told me this was his first time without a condom, which the next day bothered him. This seemed strange to me, so I then asked him if he had had sex since his test results and said he had, but with a condom. This was upsetting to me because I felt I had been more forthright than he had about my sexual history, whereas he had withheld information. So we decided we would both get tested for everything, which we did. While we waited for the results, we tried to have sex with a condom, but again, he lost his erection. And another time it worked.

We then had this really unpleasant conversation about all the things that he had found annoying about me. I realized through his detailed, unflattering description of me (he works in mental health and is extremely perceptive because it's his job) that a lot of the negative qualities he saw in me were things that were circumstantial or things that I do when I'm nervous (like talk incessantly). I really liked him but was afraid to be in a new relationship because my ex had been so controlling and negative. I also realized that he felt really insecure in the relationship because I essentially had broken things off twice and was inconsistent. I listened and asked if he wanted to stay together and he said he did (which surprised me) because he really liked me and thought I was unique. But I think we came close to breaking up. I didn't like that whole interaction, but I also realized I had hurt him and that I was wasting our time by being indecisive and acting weird when I got cold feet. I decided I had to relax and just see where it went because my being nervous made him nervous.

I began listening to him more, asked him more about himself, and when I came back from a short trip, we had sex with a condom without a problem. I tried to be more vocal about what I liked about him (which goes against how I was taught to be with boys, because social norms dictate that they are meant to take the initiative, flatter the girl, etc.) and became more affectionate, and he basically reacted with the same behavior. We saw more of each other now that things were less awkward between us and became more passionate. And I mean wow. A lot more passionate. In light of our latest std tests coming back negative, we have been having sex without a condom, and it has been really amazing. And it keeps getting better. I realized this weekend that I'm falling in love with him. It's hard to believe that this relationship once looked so unpromising. Who knows where it will go, but I have a good feeling about someone for the first time in a long time.

I'm really glad I listened to my girl friend regarding the erection issue because you don't know what's going on and it can be such a delicate topic for a guy. And many cases especially in younger men can be nerves. The best thing you can do is be positive, tell him how much you like him, how attractive you find him and wait a little, play around in the bedroom and see if you can catch him off guard so that he doesn't have time to get anxious. It might be something else, but I think in my guy's case, it was nerves and feeling insecure about me and our relationship. Understanding something was wrong and that it might have to do with the messages I had been sending him ended up being good for our relationship because it made me change my behavior in a really positive way that likewise helped to turn the relationship around.

I hope that anyone out there finds this message helpful. I don't ever post on forums but had found a lot of comments in forums that ended up not being helpful in my case. So I decided to put my experience out there.

[Lovcookie]

How many hours since he ejaculated? Is he losing his erection inside you or during foreplay? If you have sex earlier in the day or the night before and he ejaculated it is not unusual for a man over 30 to lose his erection. A 18 year old can cum and go again full stiff within minutes but after 30 not likely. It is temporary and basically he just needs recharging. It happens to me at times too but I know my body needs a bit of time or reload. Often just taking a 5 minute break it will bounce back. Sometimes it needs half a day or more. Simple stuff like not enough sleep, or exercise or not eating properly or stress all can contribute. A man's penis sensitivity levels can be lower under these conditions but if he always returns to normal with enough time you have nothing to fear. Bottom line it is not you. I am sure he wants a erection at the moment which is the important thing.

[jns]

WW, anxiety can have a lot to do with loss of erection. You did the right thing and not make him feel that it was a big problem. It sounds like things are going well now.