[rkellogs]

Thank you so much! I will send it tonight, I didn't yesterday because I had to stay late at work, thanks for the editing, really helpful! I feel positive today

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Good for you, let us know how you go.

[rkellogs]

Hi,
I finally go the courage to ask my boyfriend about our sex life and why he's been withholding displays of affection.
He was very calm and honest about it, he said that he doesn’t feel attractive because he put on some weight due to not being able to exercise and that he feels no libido but that it has nothing to do with me and that he loves me and still finds me attractive.
I feel better because I though that it was because of me and that made me really sad.
I told him that I would wait for him to get better and that I love him and understand. I have done some research and chronic pain does reduce libido and sometimes testosterone levels, I was ignorant and didn’t see how he could just loose interest. He told me that he was not cuddling and kissing me because he was worried I would initiate, I made it clear that I still need affection and that I wouldn’t try to initiate if he doesn’t want to and that even though he doesn’t want to have sex he can be intimate with me by holding hands etc.

I think a lot of emphasis is put on women having libido issues but men also have them. I of course miss sex but I understand where he's coming from and I will be patient and look forward to when he is better.


Thank you for all your comments; it really helped me deal with this.
I am much more calm and happy in my relationship now that I understand what the issues are.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I'm pleased That it is his back problem much like my ex's... at first in any event...

And, I'm glad you had the talk... worked through it and that he can feel comfortable showing his love without fearing...

Eventually, can I suggest you ask to go on top, and do the work, it won't hurt his back, mine had 5 disks gone (So he claimed) rode a motorbike not long after, so not sure lol's. but still.. that position can't hurt him if your doing it.

Best wishes sweet.

CW

[kat252]

ive been in this situation before- i think what happend is that you both become afriad of rejection and yu are both probably wondering why neither of you is asking for it.
my guess is that you will eventually get around to doing it
but playing with the dog etc- but not even kising you? ive seen this before and it doesnt sound good. men can be very black and white sometimes- either they are all over you like a rash or they dont want to know. its been my personal experience in that if they dont want to know it never really turns around after that and they find someone they do want to know- if he already hasnt
sorry if i have hurt you by saying this- i think some long ter married couples may say it does blow hot and cold but he sounds cold to me- way way too cold- like someone else said on here- does he ever kiss you or hold you hand? if you dont even get the tiniest of loving gestures then its my guess you think there is someting amiss but he is totally emotinally unavailable- and this to me says this this man isnt bothered and doesnt wan to be- like I said- i ave found them to be very black and white- and if they love you truly and want you they wont hesitate to et you know- unfortunately it works the other way round too. its only fair i say this- it may be wrong- bt it may just make you one step aead of the game.

[kat252]

oops sorry- just read what he finally told yu- see how it goes then-
i think some people forget- there are moe things in life than sex- and worries, bills, pain and back pain- can really make you not want it.
hope he manages to give you some sort of affection so you still feel loved/cherished and wanted

[rkellogs]

Thank you so much for taking the time

He is getting better, he teases me again which is his way of being affectionate, he touched my back yesterday and held it there and grabbed my hand when walking the dog, seems like little but its the first time in a while that he has spontaneously touching me, I guess he feels more confident that I wont pressure for sex.

I can do without sex for as long as it takes for him to get back to his old self but it really hurts to get no affection, these small signs make me feel so much better. He also told me he loves me before going to bed, in the last few months he only told me as a response to me saying it.

He has a lot of issues with trust and rejection, his father kidnapped him from his mother at age 5 and she never did anything to get him back (she knew where he was) his father was physically abusive. I believe that he was withholding affection because he associates it to sex, he wasn't taught as a kid that affection is independent from sex and how to express love, I guess not many people loved him a child... Its sad but despite all this he is the kindest man, he loves animals and helps anyone he can, he just is practical about it, he wouldn't tell a friend he likes him for example, he help him move house, loan him money, do something practical to help.

I will work on it and keep showing him my affection, I love him and want him to feel loved and supported, I will also try to keep talking about it from time to time so that we keep our communication open.

I really appreciate all the help and insights; I think all of you that take the time to help people on this forum are fabulous!

[rkellogs]

I have been feeling angry the last couple of weeks, I sleep badly I feel like a looser.
I still have no help around the house and he has gone back into his shell, ignoring me.
I can't have a breakdown and cry for hours every time I want him to say he loves me...
I avoid going home, I hang around my office, I am going to the movies now after work so I can have an excuse to go home later, I cant stand feeling ignored, looking at his face, he doesn't look happy either, can all this be from the backpain? I don't get it... I can't understand... Maybe I am a bit thick.
I mentioned that maybe we could get some help with the cleaning, pay a lady to come clean on saturdays, he said he would feel bad watching someone clean whilst he sat on the sofa... I clean every day whilst he sits on the sofa... I was so upset he said that.
I have a history of depression and I self harmed as a teenager, I was the happiest I have ever been last year when we met, I was bouncing off the clouds, I can´t see how it could be such a sad relationship when it was so lovely and sweet...I am afraid I will become depressed again, that will be the end of it as I will just walk, I cant handle relationships when I cant handle myself.

I wish I understood what is going on and what I can do, I want to fix this.

[pretzel]

If I may,

Look at the contradictions in the posts from exactly one week. That's pretty night and day from where I'm at.

Who has depression issues?

There's a huge gap between what is being viewed as intimacy and physical affection. I read that he's uncomfortable with not only the way he looks at himself but also about how he feels physically. His back may keep him from some physical activity, but it by no means limits ALL physical activity. To me that's an easy out and one which many people tend to accept as valid. Even with his low libido (which if he hasn't seen a dr. about, he darn well better given his age) that should not be a barrier for not showing affection and intimacy. For many of us this is the bonding mechanism that is so critical to many relationships and when that is compromised the relationship generally deteriorates pretty quickly.

For your emotions to change so drastically from one week to the next is something that shouldn't be ignored by either or you.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Honey, as Pretzel stated, this is a double wammy here.. You both aren't in the right place at the moment.

Ultimately, instead of focusing on how to make him the way you need, in order for you to feel non-depressed, focus on you and only you for the time being, you can't go backwards.. You need to go forwards...