I sure hope not. I've seen a medical professional before for help with family
issues and I can't say it helped much :S I apologize in advance if this story
is all over the place.
So, I am a single 34 year old female. Just having recently turned 34 I've been
spending some time reflecting on my life and how I've been living it and
thinking about what I want for the future etc.
Just to give you some background about me, I am the youngest of 5, siblings are
now 3 in total, all my siblings are from previous marriages on both my parents
sides. My Mom passed away a couple years ago. People have told me that I'm too
deep ... I personally feel there's a lot of shallow people in the world and I
feel I grew up pretty quick ... yet, the 'youngest' in me feels like I'm still a
baby. Neither of my parents discussed sex with me nor ever shown interest in my
personal life where boyfriends have been concerned.
There are 10+ years between all of my siblings and myself. Raised in a small
town and privately schooled in a Christian school for the majority of my
education. Our home was not even close to being religious. We are/were your
typical dysfunctional family. Nothing majorly wrong though .... I guess :S in
my opinion.
My issue begins with the type of woman I am, how I relate to men, if I need to
change that ... basically how to move forward in life with relationships where
men are concerned.
I was the fat kid in public school and throughout much of high-school. Come
high-school I took on the regular preoccupation most teens did with makeup, hair
and clothes. I had low self esteem but always managed to find some happiness
with myself.
I was the girl who was friends with all the boys. I had 3 brothers growing up,
2 boys next door who I played sports with on the regular and was very adaptable
when it came to switching gears to play with the girls.
In high-school all my girlfriends had boyfriends. They were always being chased
and I was always watching. These are now the same girls who had children at a
very early age, became single parents ... there was always some kind of drama,
and a big part of me always appreciated that I didn't have to deal with that.
It has always felt that I had a different kind of connection with the opposite
sex.
This has effected me in such a way that I feel lost when dealing with men. Then
sometimes I end up telling myself I just haven't met the right person.
There are two instances in life that I struggle to understand if and how they
effect me in relation to the opposite sex.
The first begins when I was about 18. Not being able to have the same
experiences as my friends in a regular social setting I resorted to phone chat
lines. I spoke with a guy a couple years older than me and we agreed to meet.
I went to his house where he lived with his Mom. We mostly hung out in his room
that day, listened to music and watched videos.
After about an hour he got up and shut his door and then locked it. Of course I
found this strange. Things got even stranger when he turned up the music so
loud that we couldn't even really talk. Before I knew it my ankles were behing
my ears. I won't go into detail about all that happened next but I would use
words like disturbing, scarry and violated to describe the experience.
When he was done he had me drive his Mom, him and his dog to the vet. We never
saw eachother again after that.
I was determined to not blame myself and not allow the experience to disrupt or
ruin my sexuality. I burried the experience and carried on with life. It
wasn't up until after about 25 that I really started to become sexually active
on the regular.
At about 27 I spent a lot of time with someone I considered a good friend. I
never dreamed of ever being sexual with him. He was an ex of a best friend of
mine. I felt very close to him much the way I felt with the boys next door
growing up and my brothers.
I learned one day in a very drunen situation that he had other intentions
towards me. They were very aggressively expressed and the experience left me
reeling. At first I was hurt. Then I was confused. Then I became submissive.
This was probably the most passionate experience I've ever had. Of course, the
friendship was lost. The sex was incredible.
I have always wondered why I can never seem to blend the two together. I guess
it would be odd to want to have sex with someone you feel connected to in a
platonic way. I 'make friends' with men, even when I find them attractive, and
the thought of sex never naturally seems to come to mind.
My last boyfriend was when I was 16. We never had sex. I would say 99% of my
sexual experiences to date have been in situations where there is no loss of
friendship. It is always NSA and quite often with people I don't know very
well. Purely sexual.
For about the past 4 years I've been dating. It quickly turns sexual, never my
initiative, and I quickly write the idea of a relationship off. I don't like to
think of sex as bad but a big part of me has a hard time bringing sex into a
dating relationship and maintaining a decent level of respect for my partner.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not disrespectful towards them. It's just once sex is
introduced I go kind of nuts and it becomes alll about sex.
It's like I've over corrected myself when I think of recovering from my past.
How can I balance a healthy relationship with a man AND sex?
issues and I can't say it helped much :S I apologize in advance if this story
is all over the place.
So, I am a single 34 year old female. Just having recently turned 34 I've been
spending some time reflecting on my life and how I've been living it and
thinking about what I want for the future etc.
Just to give you some background about me, I am the youngest of 5, siblings are
now 3 in total, all my siblings are from previous marriages on both my parents
sides. My Mom passed away a couple years ago. People have told me that I'm too
deep ... I personally feel there's a lot of shallow people in the world and I
feel I grew up pretty quick ... yet, the 'youngest' in me feels like I'm still a
baby. Neither of my parents discussed sex with me nor ever shown interest in my
personal life where boyfriends have been concerned.
There are 10+ years between all of my siblings and myself. Raised in a small
town and privately schooled in a Christian school for the majority of my
education. Our home was not even close to being religious. We are/were your
typical dysfunctional family. Nothing majorly wrong though .... I guess :S in
my opinion.
My issue begins with the type of woman I am, how I relate to men, if I need to
change that ... basically how to move forward in life with relationships where
men are concerned.
I was the fat kid in public school and throughout much of high-school. Come
high-school I took on the regular preoccupation most teens did with makeup, hair
and clothes. I had low self esteem but always managed to find some happiness
with myself.
I was the girl who was friends with all the boys. I had 3 brothers growing up,
2 boys next door who I played sports with on the regular and was very adaptable
when it came to switching gears to play with the girls.
In high-school all my girlfriends had boyfriends. They were always being chased
and I was always watching. These are now the same girls who had children at a
very early age, became single parents ... there was always some kind of drama,
and a big part of me always appreciated that I didn't have to deal with that.
It has always felt that I had a different kind of connection with the opposite
sex.
This has effected me in such a way that I feel lost when dealing with men. Then
sometimes I end up telling myself I just haven't met the right person.
There are two instances in life that I struggle to understand if and how they
effect me in relation to the opposite sex.
The first begins when I was about 18. Not being able to have the same
experiences as my friends in a regular social setting I resorted to phone chat
lines. I spoke with a guy a couple years older than me and we agreed to meet.
I went to his house where he lived with his Mom. We mostly hung out in his room
that day, listened to music and watched videos.
After about an hour he got up and shut his door and then locked it. Of course I
found this strange. Things got even stranger when he turned up the music so
loud that we couldn't even really talk. Before I knew it my ankles were behing
my ears. I won't go into detail about all that happened next but I would use
words like disturbing, scarry and violated to describe the experience.
When he was done he had me drive his Mom, him and his dog to the vet. We never
saw eachother again after that.
I was determined to not blame myself and not allow the experience to disrupt or
ruin my sexuality. I burried the experience and carried on with life. It
wasn't up until after about 25 that I really started to become sexually active
on the regular.
At about 27 I spent a lot of time with someone I considered a good friend. I
never dreamed of ever being sexual with him. He was an ex of a best friend of
mine. I felt very close to him much the way I felt with the boys next door
growing up and my brothers.
I learned one day in a very drunen situation that he had other intentions
towards me. They were very aggressively expressed and the experience left me
reeling. At first I was hurt. Then I was confused. Then I became submissive.
This was probably the most passionate experience I've ever had. Of course, the
friendship was lost. The sex was incredible.
I have always wondered why I can never seem to blend the two together. I guess
it would be odd to want to have sex with someone you feel connected to in a
platonic way. I 'make friends' with men, even when I find them attractive, and
the thought of sex never naturally seems to come to mind.
My last boyfriend was when I was 16. We never had sex. I would say 99% of my
sexual experiences to date have been in situations where there is no loss of
friendship. It is always NSA and quite often with people I don't know very
well. Purely sexual.
For about the past 4 years I've been dating. It quickly turns sexual, never my
initiative, and I quickly write the idea of a relationship off. I don't like to
think of sex as bad but a big part of me has a hard time bringing sex into a
dating relationship and maintaining a decent level of respect for my partner.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not disrespectful towards them. It's just once sex is
introduced I go kind of nuts and it becomes alll about sex.
It's like I've over corrected myself when I think of recovering from my past.
How can I balance a healthy relationship with a man AND sex?
Don't write it off, your causing it, take that in the right way, be strong,love yourself, belief, and hold out, don't ask if they want to be your boyfriend, get to that gym, buy that dress, colour your hair, tell yourself, you get nothing, and you ain't seen nothing yet, I am beautiful, I know what I want who I am, and, I realise that men can and will take if not ready, or not looking or have a box they put the thoughts in to what they want, but when they see me, and know that I don't give it up, I know what I am seeking and looking for, pfttt find another girl for ALL that.... 
Get The Newsletter
Comment