[Daniella22]

So I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years. I am 24 he is 29. Our sex life is not good. I feel like we have so many problems when it comes to sex. First of all, my boyfriend has a premature ejaculation problem. Although, I was so happy when he told me he has just began doing mens kegels to work on this problem. A lot of times he can only last longer if he has been drinking. So most of our sex life has consisted of either extremely short sex or drunk sex. And just to make things worse, to begin with I have an extremely low sex drive. I never want sex. A lot of times when we have sex I can't get wet, or if I do I can't stay wet. I can never get really aroused. Even though I am extremely attracted to him and very in love with him and I enjoy the intimacy of sex with him but I want so bad to be more aroused. I have only had a handful of orgasms in the past 6 years, and that makes him feel awful. Although, I can make myself orgasm when I'm by myself. When we have sex, I can't just relax and concentrate on what we're doing. I'm self conscious about how my body looks and I'm only thinking about how I'm performing, not just enjoying sex. I've also heard birth control pills can decrease your sex drive. I'm on the birth control pills Aviane, I talked to my doctor and told her I have no sex drive and she switched me to microgestine. Also, we have been having problems in our relationship for a while now, and I definitely feel its reflected in our sex life. A lot of times he asks me to tell him want I want sexually, but I feel uncomfortable doing that. I don't know why. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!!! Thanks.

[Jimbeau]

So the sex is bad and there's not enough of it.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I would imagine this is your first boyfriend, sexual partner...

You know after 6 years, you have to be able to open up and talk, share your fantasies, feel at ease in bed...

Why not try initially to explore things via books, videos together and discuss the likes and dislikes...

I think that your not having orgasms, because your concentrating on your performance, and thinking about when he is going to cum, instead of enjoying the moment... He also may have his problem due to not enough sex, which i think jimbeau very shortly tried to say

This reflects on your personal life as well, and I think that's what you will find...

Let go of your inhibitions, this is your man , you, his woman.. It's OK, to share everything together, start experimenting finding each other's likes and dislikes and start enjoying it and more often . Spark will re-appear and love will get closer again ...


CW

[Guest]

never understood why so many women (maybe there are some men out there like that) who are conscious of their physical appearance WHILE they're having sex. i mean obviously ur hot enough to have gotten some dude to get a hard on and then take his pants off...

i've never even had a girl come onto me before (well a few times, but i wasn't at all interested) and the 2-3 times i've seriously hit on chicks, they were totally not interested. yet i still don't think i'm that bad looking...at the end of the day i realize that its my immature and sometimes obnoxious personality which drives women away.

[Mr. Inquisitive]

I used to have a premature ejaculation problem with an ex and it was simply because we did not have sex very often, which may be your guys problem since you claim you have a low sex drive and never want sex. Now that I get it regularily the problem seems to have magically disappeared.

[stressed]

I agree with CW.
What I'd like to add is that it's very important to be open about what you'd like to try and what you want sexually. After 6 years you have no reason to keep something like that from him and it's hurtful to be told so. Find the means that make you comfortable enough to show him what you like, otherwise he can never give you the kind of sex you want. If he ejaculates prematurely then you can try to have sex more than once at a time, so try to see the positive side of it and turn this into an advantage. He can always use his hands/mouth if that happens, take a break and try again.

[Jimbeau]

I say give him notice that if he doesn't get his act together he can take it somewhere else. No woman should put up with a guy who's a poor performer in the sack. You're just asking for a life of dissatisfaction. Stop enabling these dudes.

[WildChild]

The being OK if you are drunk bit is weird. Obviously he can control it when it suits. He needs to do some figuring out and you may just have to let him do that on his own.

However, there is a school of thought, that to a large degree a man's sex drive and performance are driven by the woman in his life. In other words if you were a horny little minx he would probably respond with better performance. I haven't really bought this because while my minx days are past, I generally have a very high sex drive and have not found men who can match it. But if we assume that when drunk you get more sexually open and maybe even sexually aggressive or at least more receptive, that may be a big clue as to what is going on. Maybe he needs to feel that you really want it?

[TJPatriot]

Ever think that maybe he comes fast because he thinks you want to get it over with quickly? If my girlfriend only wanted it on rare occasions I'd think she considers it a chore and would try to be polite and get over with it asap.

But yeah another fix to premature ejaculation is doing it more often. I can last a lot longer now compared to my first few sexual encounters a few months ago. As well, being able to relax, and know that my woman is having a good time and enjoying it...it gives me something to think about other than "oh man I need to last longer I need to last longer...oops!" which I was doing my first couple weeks of sex. It helps me to concentrate on her breathing, grabbing me, her moans, etc. It says I'm doing a good job, and then I work on getting more of that, and I can temporarily forget about the orgasm and get some level of control over when it happens.

The key is to be able to communicate with each other, about everything. That's the basis of a healthy relationship, that includes, and maybe even is more important, your communication about sex.