[jman35]

My wife and I had our first swing experience a week ago. The idea was mine. I wanted to see another guy have sex with my wife. My wife was hesitant at first, but was open to the idea. We found a guy online and met him for drinks. My wife like him so we introduced him over for an afternoon so she could get comfortable. She communicated to him that she wanted to see if she was comfortable kissing him and maybe to receive a massage from him. So to be clear, there would be no sex the first time that they got physical. She told me that she wanted to be alone with him so I respected that. When he came over, they started kissing in front of me, etc. We ended up going to the pool. When they returned, she and him went in a room alone together. I respected the fact that she wanted to be alone so I didn't say anything. I thought they were going to do a massage. I heard the door open and she ran out naked to get his shorts. I learned later that a condom was in his shorts. I thought they were just going to do a naked massage which was fine with me. A few moments later, I heard moaning and the bed noise from the other room. I walked in there and saw them having sex and said "I thought you were just doing a massage." She was uncomfortable that I walked in there. So I heard the bed stop moving and then it started moving again. When they finished, they took a shower together and she told him that she didn't care what I thought because it was my idea. I had several talks with her the following days. I asked her what they did. She said just missionary and spooning sex. However a few days after, I chatted with him and he said they did other positions. When I confronted her about it, she admitted to the one position and lied about the other. She eventually admitted to everything.

[jman35]

Continued from above. I feel really bad. I know it was my idea, but I respected her wish to be alone at first. I didn't expect them to have sex the first time. I also don't like the fact that I learned the truth from him and not her. I want to get the pleasure of seeing her pleased by another man, but I feel pretty crappy about what happened right now. I feel like it happened faster than what we discussed. She thought that is what I wanted and acted crazy in bed. What are your thoughts? Should I feel uncomfortable like I am currently feeling or should I just say man up, it was my idea. He definitely wants to do it again. Curious to hear both the female and male perspective.

[Colorado]

Personally I think it was a huge mistake dude, not only on your part but hers as well.
- Yours for initiating it, thinking that anything good could actually come of it other than a quick erotic moment.
- Hers for actually accepting it and making it reality.

We (wife and I) have a few fantasies, recently even called someone about one of them (getting a couples massage and having sex with her while the massage therapist is present), but in reality, I know it will never really go beyond that. Sure we talk about it and how erotic it would be to actually do, but lord knows that we would probably never really go through with it.

Fantasies, to keep their appeal, need to remain fantasies - otherwise they become reality - which is not nearly as interesting sometimes.

So the deed is done - what now? Well I would have to ask, if she were so quick to actually do this, will it continue? Why the lies? Has she done this before? Seems that if she "doesnt care what you think", then there is a problem, that needs fixing like NOW! Is she the only one responsible? Heck no, you let this happen right? Even encouraged it, granted, not exactly what you expected (to watch), but you put this thought into her head (opened the door) and she took advantage of it.

I would personally suggest, if you are still considering remaining together, that you seek some couples councelling (or whatever its called) quickly.

[jman35]

I don't know if it will continue. I definitely want to see her with another man. She says that she was planning to tell me, but was afraid that I would react badly, hence why she lied. She says that she didn't mean saying that she didn't care, just came out when he asked if I would be mad. Thanks for your feedback and advice.

[tesoro]

I don't understand your thinking. You wanted to see your wife have sex with another man but you are upset that she did it and didn't give you all the details.
You found the guy online, you met him and arranged for an initial visit but it didn't go exactly the way you wanted it to go so now you are upset.

I don't think that people should judge others and I also don't think that one person in a relationship should be trying to "control" the other person in a sexual way or any other way. Did you think that you would have step by step control over a situation like this?
Did it ever occur to you that by asking your wife to do this, you have actually communicated to her that you really don't love her the way she thought you did or the way she wanted to be loved?

It almost sounds like she is either uncomfortable with what she did and didn't want to tell you about it and perhaps even wanted to get back at you for encouraging this OR that she really liked it and is possibly going to continue doing this and more because you have opened Pandora's box on sexual encounters with other men...you don't even need to be there for HER pleasure...it's all about you in your mind but what is she feeling?