[megan102]

hello i am new to this forum, but i have been confused and sad for the past 6 months and it has led me here. I have been in a relationship for a little bit over 2 years, we have been living together for a little over a year now and the sex in the beginning was great, we would have sex atleast 4-5 times a week every week. well the past 6 months it has dwindled from only a couple of times a week to once a month and now it has been over two months. I really do not think he is cheating, he spends most of his time at the apt, never hides phone calls, nothing suspicious at all. I have brought the issue up several times and he usually says its because i don't initiate anything or i don't do anything to turn him on (which of course is hurtful to me)..well i wear cute sexy things and have tried initiating in the past only to go unnoticed which makes me feel insecure and keeps me wondering why am i having to try so hard when i never had to try before? He doesn't watch porn (that i know of) i did find out about him looking at some maxim sites but no porn and he doesn't even have access to this computer..it just baffles me..he is very affectionate just NO sex. he does take a narcotic for his back and i thought maybe that would lower his sex drive but really 2 months? i just don't understand and i am tired of feeling like i am to blame. I am no supermodel but i will say several other men take notice of me and i can't understand why the one man i want to notice me doesn't.

[oxy-moron]

What is the Narcotic?
Get him to try MSM for his back- We have used it to great effect and it is cheap.
There is an old saying -
Put a penny (or a bean) in a jar every time you have sex during your first year of marriage. Then take one out every time you have sex after the first year. Supposedly you'll never empty the jar.
But this sounds a bit severe. Are you living in a part of the country that is not getting much sunshine.

[WildChild]

Check the website on the drug and look at the side effects. That may give you an answer.
He should get a physical with full blood work, tell the doctor that he has no interest in sex. There are many physical causes and some can be serious.
Once physical causes are ruled out you will have to look at emotional.
One thing to keep in mind is that many men just don't get hints. Try walking in naked while he on the couch, straddling him with a knee on either side of his legs and kissing him. That may get his attention.
Your idea of "cute and sexy" may be his idea of just another outfit you are wearing. I understand your frustration, I was married to a man who had testicular cancer and had no interest in sex - actually he didn't before either. I tried what I thought was pretty alluring nities and he was downright rude about them being "impractical".

[megan102]

he is taking hydrocodone, i looked it up it does say it is a side effect but he has been taking it since we met, so it doesn't really seem to me like it could be the problem for just the last 6 months. also, i have tried sexy bras and panties and have definitely tried the completely nude thing a few times and just get my feelings hurt. i once tried to just go at it and he turned me down and said maybe later, that was enough for me to not try again. i don't want to be humilated like that! debating whether i'm going to eventually have to move on..i feel like 2 years is way too short of time to already be having this problem but he is perfect in every other way. sucks. also, i don't know if it matters but i am 21 and he is 27, still seems to young to be having this issue to me.

[jns]

To consider drug interaction with sex drive, consider the way the brain interacts with sex drive. If sex is new or especially exciting, there is a greater release of neurochemicals in the brain causing a greater physical love response. These releases can be strong enough to overcome deficits caused by prescribed, over-the-counter and illicit drugs. However, with familiarity, the newness fades and the response isn't strong enough to have even moderate libido levels. Doing new things or more extreme things can temporarily reverse the situation. Probably the situation you describe was the transition from a lust to a love relationship.

You can work with his doctor to reduce his level of hydrocodone. You can see if his doctor will prescribe erectile dysfunction pills if he wants to have a better sex life

If he is taking a statin for cholesterol, that could be interfering, also. Cholesterol is necessary for the proper sex response and statins seem to interfere with libido.

[JadedQueen]

Have you tried talking to him about his lack of sex drive? How old is he? How long has he had back problems? A lot of times an injury like back problems (which if he's been on pain meds for 2+years) that are severe or have been ongoing for a long time can have a negative effect on a person's sex drive as well as long term use of narcotics. When a person has been on narcotics for an extended period of time. I googled Hydrocodone effect on sex drive and it does decrease a person's sex drive and I am willing to bet that his medication is a big part of the problem and he probably doesn't even realize it, he just doesn't have a sex drive and he's accepted that as the norm. I would have a talk with him and tell him that you are feeling unsatisfied, neglected and find a way to come to a happy medium that works for both of you. If your relationship is good in every other way then communicating with him so he is aware how his lack of sex drive is upsetting and makes you feel undesirable is better than throwing away the relationship not to mention the havoc it must be playing on your self esteem. If he's not in the mood ask him if he's willing to pleasure you when you are in the mood? When you do talk to him try not to make him feel guilty because generally if a guy feels like he's being attacked or being made to feel guilty the conversation generally doesn't have a productive resolve. Good luck.

[megan102]

Well i have brought it up on several situations, at first kind of in a joking way which (of course) got me nowhere. The first time i ever really brought it up and told him it was hurting my self esteem and making me self conscious was about 4 or 5 days ago. He told me its because i use to do things that would turn him on and now i don't..well i said like what things (hoping to get some suggestions of what to do) and he said well..i don't know. and that was the end of convo. I am secretly hoping this does have a lot to do with his medication, would make ME feel better but then again there is still the issue at hand. Thank you ladies for all of your advice and for listening, i haven't had anyone to discuss this with because well, it's downright embarassing.

[megan102]

nevermind.
found out he has been watching porn
which he tried to lie about
kicked him to the curb
i am too young/good for this junk.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Sorry megan, obviously you prompted yourself, having said " I don't think he watches porn" as the reason....

Just remember, "the blame game" is usually a card a person uses, when they don't want to accept responsibility. (your comment where he stated, you never initiate)....

Life has lessons unfortunately..

Don't look at it as two years wasted, rather, there were some good times, to remember but you deserve better and porn isn't something you agree with, or agree with if it means that you miss out and that's your priogrative

CW

[WildChild]

You GO Girl!
Lessons learned - keep them
The garbage - leave it on the curb with him
Give yourself some time to be yourself and then you decide what you want and don't settle.

I pointed out, nearly a year ago to a man I loved deeply, that with all the men in the world complaining of having a woman in their lives who doesn't want sex, doesn't really enjoy it, he has one who wants it. Who wants him and he treats her like last weeks leftovers.

As long as you stick around and accept this, he won't learn and you will suffer. So wish him well and move on.

May I suggest a little letting go ritual? Ever seen the movie, South Pacific? There is song from the movie, Wash That Man Right Outta My Hair. I suggest you play that song nice and loud, maybe several times, get in the shower and wash him right outta your hair.