[Maximus]

There is something you couldn't understand during the fight. Why he continued after the first round.
I might share my experience.
I also got into a fight, well in my case a vicious training session
I was at a training camp with another national team.
At some point, the head-coach of one country asked to spar with me.

For 3 rounds, I wiped the floor with me.
Nobody has ever even come close to throw me more than a couple of times in a round !

By the first round I knew something was wrong, and I could also have stopped.
But you want to continue because, like a casino player, you think you will have your chance, even though I had enough evidence.

Later I found out that the guy had won 10 times national champion and a multiple european and Olympics contender...
And we are friends.

Moving forward, CW is saying what I would have said too...

[CHANDLERS WISH]

He is a strong alpha male. He really doesn't want you to mother him. That will just have him replay his loss. Tell him you expect him to do better and redeem himself in his next match. Tell him to get back into training and to train with a vengeance. Back him by being an unyielding wall. Have him believe to get into your good graces, he will have to earn it. To be blunt in alpha speak, little boys go cry to their mommies, men get back up and fight, even if they were beaten down before. I think psychologically this is the right tact for his personality.

Everybody will meet someone who will beat them at something. How they react to it is the key. Will they leave or will they fight back. Alpha males will recover their personalities from being beaten and will fight back.

I get this JNS, but I still think he expected to win....but he lost it, through fear, Virgile has used his own experience in this.....which makes me think more deeply on this...

My gut feeling is he expected to win.... I wonder if JNS is correct, quailfications? I see what you are saying in support...but he's not feeling it, he feels, he is a loser.....ts

I need to step outside of this and re-read tomorrow

One thing I will say, is from your ending? It was purely fear on your side, yet forgive me but your posts have focused more on you, than love and him until your last one......

JNS may have something, Virgile has something, Kyrstalyn and I too..... I think tell us more before the fights, what motivates him, what makes him want you, what is his passions, his goals, his dreams with you............if you don't mind

CW

[Guest]

OK, so let's break this down:
-He lost a fight that you happened to be watching
-It crushed his ego and made him feel less confident
-His lack of confidence after the fight made you feel less attracted to him
-He has picked up on that even though you tried to hide it and that damaged him even more
-This carries over to the bedroom and he doesn't perform the way he used to
-The passion and attraction dwindles even more
-He feels even worse
Repeat from #4 down.

So, bottom line, he needs to build his confidence back up and he needs to know that you feel the same way about him no matter what the outcome of a fight or anything else he does. I don't think your attraction to him changed because he lost a fight, I think it changed because he doesn't have the confidence he used to have. You should let him know how you still feel about him, help him build his confidence back up. All athletes lose sometimes, it comes with the territory. There's no reason why this has to carry over into his personal life, it's just a sport, you win some you lose some. Yeah, it's a hit to one's ego when they lose, but he needs to just get back up, train harder for the next fight which will help build confidence, get back in there and try again. He needs to know that you support him no matter what happens. When he has his confidence back, hopefully your attraction to him will return and will carry over to the bedroom. Seriously, the outcome of a sporting event should not affect someone's personal life. Just because he lost a fight, that does not change who he is as a man. Remind him of that, let us know what happens.

Thanks for your reply Krystal, your summary is pretty spot on.

Things kinda came to a head tonight in the bedroom. We were having sex again and I knew I wasn't going to be able to climax so I started to get ready to fake it like I've been doing for the past couple weeks. Unfortunately, tonight he was only able to last about 4 minutes before he ejaculated prematurely(maybe he's starting to be afflicted by performance anxiety now?). I was caught off guard so obviously I couldn't react to fake it in time, so he knew he wasn't able to please me. When I came out of the bathroom after cleaning myself up he was in tears sitting on the bed. At this point I knew I had to take your advice and talk to him, no matter how painful things would be for him to recount. I just hugged him and let him know that it was ok and that I knew he was capable of being an excellent lover, and that I knew the fight was probably still bothering him and causing him anxiety. I told him I was flattered that he insisted I was there that night to help him get back his fight, and that I'm wasn't upset at all about him losing or even disappointed, after all it was easy to see that he had gotten stage fright with me there. I told him to let it go and that the outcome of a sporting event shouldn't affect personal life, after all he'll get a win next time!

I really thought I was getting through to him when I was talking, but when I finished he seemed more distraught. I asked him what was wrong and he finally divulged how he felt to me about the entire incident.

He said he wasn't affected by "stage fright" at all, and that if anything my presence actually helped that day. He had felt great before the fight, but it didn't matter his opponent was just too good and completely out classed him, beating him in pretty much every way. That's part of why he was so upset because their were no excuses or teammates or anything that caused him to lose. He was at his best and still got absolutely crushed, and because of that he was just devastated. Also, while he did appreciate me going to see him compete, he said the reason he had asked specifically this time was because he wanted me to experience the atmosphere of the match. He was planning on asking me to try something new in the bed (fantasy/role-play) where I was ring girls at his boxing match. He actually felt really confident and thought he was going to win the match for sure. So he figured this would be this would be the perfect opportunity because seeing him win would help alleviate some of my fears and get me in the mood to role play.

I was crushed to know that he had been holding these feelings in, but I was glad was finally talking to me about it. I reminded him again that this was just a fight, but he told me that to him fighting is more than just a "sport", because he invests so much time and effort into training and has such a great passion for it. Therefore when he loses in the way he did it's really hard to get over.

I can understand where he is coming from so I just let him know that I understand, and told him I knew he would do better in his next match. Unfortunately, he doesn't see things the same way, he told me how demoralized he is after the last two losses, especially considered how he got "decimated"(His words : [ )in the last one after thinking he could win. He said that even if he does win his next match he'll still be hurt from this last one because in MMA when you get beat badly like he did the beating becomes personal. He said he'll need a rematch to fully recover, but he's just not entirely sure if he wants to fight anymore.

I guess guys are much more complex emotionally, than I ever thought before. Usually it's us women that are stereo-typed as hard to figure out.

So although we've aired things out a bit, he's still suffering from the aftermath of the fight. I'm honestly not sure what to do. I'm scared of a possible rematch because of what the other guy did to my boyfriend in the first fight, but at the same time I think it might be good for him, almost necessary for him to at least attempt to redeem himself, for his own sake and for our relationship.

I'm stuck between doing what JNS said as a way to motivate him to fight a rematch, or just let him decide for himself and deal with his decision. I'd almost hate to influence his decision, but at the same time I don't want my boyfriend to regret not taking the opportunity to settle the score for himself. If this will provide some type of closure for him I think it's the best thing, not only for him, but for the relationship as well. Not to mention I'd hate to see him just give up something he has such a passion for over a couple losses, not matter how bad. Anyone have any thoughts?

Until a decision is reached a guess I'll have to incorporate some masturbation into my activities to help tide me over, does anyone have any tips? I still plan to work on sex with him, despite things getting worse lately maybe after this talk things will get a bit better. Maybe it's possible to help rebuild some of his confidence in the bedroom, despite his ego still being bruised. Do you think having him perform oral on me in the event I can't finish normally will help him with his confidence? At least that way he can feel good knowing he's pleasing me. Surprisingly enough we don't normally do oral, so maybe it will be a good change of pace for him.

Also, I just want to thank you all again for your continued support. Your suggestions have really been helping us get to the root of the problem it seems!

Please keep the feedback coming. : )

[Guest]

I get this JNS, but I still think he expected to win....but he lost it, through fear, Virgile has used his own experience in this.....which makes me think more deeply on this...

My gut feeling is he expected to win.... I wonder if JNS is correct, quailfications? I see what you are saying in support...but he's not feeling it, he feels, he is a loser.....ts

I need to step outside of this and re-read tomorrow

One thing I will say, is from your ending? It was purely fear on your side, yet forgive me but your posts have focused more on you, than love and him until your last one......

JNS may have something, Virgile has something, Kyrstalyn and I too..... I think tell us more before the fights, what motivates him, what makes him want you, what is his passions, his goals, his dreams with you............if you don't mind

CW

Thanks again for your reply CW.

I didn't see the second page before I responded last time, but I think my last replay addresses some of your questions.

As for my focus on me instead of him and our love I think I just didn't want to make it seem like the problem was entirely on him. After all it is our relationship. I was thinking that maybe their was a significant portion of the problem coming from me. As for our love I figured that was implied, but then I realized you were right to inquire because I didn't mention much and it could have definitely been a very important factor in the problem.

Also, I did ask him why he continued to fight during the recent conversation we had. He said that no matter how bad it may have looked he thought there was still a chance he could win, maybe he would be able to land a lucky blow or something like that(so virgile was partly right). But it wasn't only that, part of it was because he had expected to be able to win so he just wanted it so badly, especially with me being there watching. He didn't want to let me down, and not only that but most importantly he didn't want to go out by giving up. In his mind that would be an ever more embarrassing way to lose. He didn't want to quit on himself or on me. Basically, he'd fight to the last if it was for himself or me.

I've gotta say I've definitely gotta respect him for that, it was pretty brave of him to attempt to fight into the later rounds knowing how badly he was hurt and how slim his chances were at making a comeback

Anyways, thank you for the support and I look forward to your analysis . I won't be able to respond for a bit, but I should be back to be able to answer more questions/provide more insight later tonight.

[Maximus]

Hello ChloeP,

As a couple you already managed to achieve a lot.
Being able to have the conversation you had is so much important !!!
The emotional connection, the empathy are surely excellent points.

Now the fact the love making is not optimal at the moment is problematic for sure.
There is no other recipe than patience, and keep talking to one another.

About the rematch. I have some reservations.
Because fighting has the physical dimension, but also the strategy dimension.
What kind of structure your bf has ? Is there a camp, can he study the first fights he has had ?
Before deciding, has he thoroughly study all aspects of the game ? Irrespective how prepare he thinks he is ?
What was his game plan before ? what adjustments to be made to defeat this particular opponent ?
So much more to answer before getting into the emotional treadmill of a rematch.

About the sex itself. Maybe it's not the right time at the moment.
This maay take some time. Not sure what are your needs (and actually don't want to know), patience is still the key.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

He said that no matter how bad it may have looked he thought there was still a chance he could win, maybe he would be able to land a lucky blow or something like that(so virgile was partly right). But it wasn't only that, part of it was because he had expected to be able to win so he just wanted it so badly, especially with me being there watching. He didn't want to let me down, and not only that but most importantly he didn't want to go out by giving up. In his mind that would be an ever more embarrassing way to lose. He didn't want to quit on himself or on me. Basically, he'd fight to the last if it was for himself or me.

Then he's a fighter, so in that, he'll fight back for what he had as well, in the bedroom, in time....

Imagine the confidence, a dream, a goal, he thought he would win, he invited you for roll play, of another event he wanted to venture to, and that was in bed,with you......and that dream, goal, went terribly wrong...

I think that now that he has opened up and told you, a weight has been lifted off his shoulders to a degree...

It is in-deed fantastic that he can communicate ......and I respect that the complete picture was hard to see at first But, obviously you do stand by your man.

A re-match? Like anything in life, you have to work for it.....If he needs that for closure, as Virgle stated, get out there and practise with the best,....this person he faught with someone mentioned, may have a heck of a lot more experience, they do this all the time in the name of betting, privately and making money, chuck a good player in with a way experienced player, for money.....

My only suggestion for you is.....you've now seen the ring.... you've been there, live out his fantasy catch him un-aware and maybe firstly tell him you suspect, the above...so he sees it differently that maybe he was set up, because maybe he actually was.

CW

[Guest]

Hello ChloeP,

As a couple you already managed to achieve a lot.
Being able to have the conversation you had is so much important !!!
The emotional connection, the empathy are surely excellent points.

Now the fact the love making is not optimal at the moment is problematic for sure.
There is no other recipe than patience, and keep talking to one another.

About the rematch. I have some reservations.
Because fighting has the physical dimension, but also the strategy dimension.
What kind of structure your bf has ? Is there a camp, can he study the first fights he has had ?
Before deciding, has he thoroughly study all aspects of the game ? Irrespective how prepare he thinks he is ?
What was his game plan before ? what adjustments to be made to defeat this particular opponent ?
So much more to answer before getting into the emotional treadmill of a rematch.

About the sex itself. Maybe it's not the right time at the moment.
This maay take some time. Not sure what are your needs (and actually don't want to know), patience is still the key.

Thanks for your support, you're indeed correct in that we've made tremendous progress thus far. The sex may still not be where it was, but I'll just have to be as patient as possible.

I agree with you about the rematch, I myself have reservations. Fortunately, his coach at the gym called today to ask how he's been fairing. My boyfriend was out with his friends so I figured I'd see if his coach wanted to have lunch so I could learn more about the gym, their team, and my boyfriend as a fighter. He agreed, and we were able to have a great talk which cleared up a few more things and provided some more answers.

My boyfriend is part of a team of fighters that train together at one of the gym's in our city, so he definitely has some structure to his training. Essentially, they fighters work with each other and the coach to train/spare/improve, while the team manager and coach arrange fights with fighters from teams at the other gyms. I also found out that a teammate of my friend was able to record the fight and his subsequent ones, so my boyfriend will have access to the footage he needs.

I then asked what he think went wrong for my boyfriend in the last fight, which ended up bringing a couple more things together.

Apparently, my boyfriend has been downplaying the loss he experienced before getting into his most recent fight. When I had asked how things went when he came home he said it went to a decision and his opponent barely squeezed out a victory. As it turns out the fight did go the full 3 round distance, but my boyfriend lost the first two rounds pretty decisively, and then went down to strong right hand about 2 minutes into the last round, getting knocked out cold. He actually asked if I wanted to see the video, at first I was hesitant, wondering why I'd want to put myself through it, but then I figured I'd probably have a better perspective of how my boyfriend was feeling the more I knew about him fighting, and no only that but it would make me mentally stronger for the next fight. So I had him send it to my email, and forced myself to watch it later that night, promptly deleting my copy my boyfriend couldn't accidentally stumble upon it. It was another pretty brutal beating just like the fight I witnessed, except it wasn't quite as bad as he was able to damage the other guy a bit and was able to last longer, also I knew it wasn't live so I could turn it off at any time if needed. After watching,it was clear, the only "decision" that had to be made in that ring was when to pull the other guy off my boyfriends lifeless body. : (

I had no idea that he had already been knocked out before. In my mind that must have made this last fight especially devastating for him since he basically had to relive his failure in the previous fight due to it ending the same way, except he went down even earlier and it happened in front of me. Personally, I couldn't imagine what it must have felt like for him to have woken up on the canvas floor again for a second time in a row, knowing he was defeated. I never really though about how psychologically damaging something like a knockout can be for some one. I mean a loss is one thing, but if it's a decision, it's made by the judges, and in your mind you can probably still tell yourself that you would have came out on top if their were more rounds. A knockout on the other hand is kinda irrefutable, their isn't really a question of who the better fighter is when their opponent is unconscious. I'm not really mad or anything that he lied, he was just embarrassed and probably knew I'd be terrified of watching his next fight if I knew what happened.

Everyone in his gym, including the coach was pretty shocked after that loss because apparently my boyfriend is the strongest fighter in his gym. His coach told me that after that fight he wanted to set something up to build my boyfriends confidence back up. Which is how the next fight came around. The guy he fought is apparently a cocky kid who wanted to make the team at one of the other gyms. My boyfriends coach is friends with the other coaches and knew they didn't really want this kid in their gym so he figured he'd attempt to kill two birds with one stone. He'd setup a fight with my boyfriend and the other kid with the other coach agreeing to give the kid a spot on the team if he won. In the eyes of my coach it would be perfect because my boyfriend was fighting someone inexperienced, which would likely result in a win a great confidence boost. Meanwhile, it would allow the other team to deny this kid a spot without just flat out refusing.

He didn't go into great detail about their plan before the fight, only saying that their basic plan was rely on my boyfriends strength, which is striking, and try to keep the fight off the ground, but he gave me an analysis of what he saw that day.

He basically just said that the other guys striking was far superior, which along with his superior strength and speed allowed him to pick my boyfriend apart while sustaining virtually no damage. He also mentioned my boyfriends take-down defense looked pretty weak as his opponent was able to take him down quite easily late into the first round. This allowed him to mount my boyfriend and really start to unload on him. He said he thinks part of the reason he was taken down so easily is that he was just too weak from being knocked around in the beginning of the round. He was shocked when he saw the other guy striking so much better than my boyfriend. He thinks the other guys speed really gave him the edge, unfortunately my boyfriend had already sustained so much damage from trying to go toe to toe in the first round that his vulnerabilities (being taken down) were easily exposed, and he just didn't have the strength to survive very long in the second round.

His coach said he really needs my boyfriend to work on improving his striking so that he at least has the ability to exchange blows without getting completely pummeled by this guy, and then try to develop his ground game so he was something else, unexpected, to go to in the event he's being beaten in the stand up game. I'm sure this is all in pretty much laymans terms as he knows I don't know a ton about fighting.

He was also worried about my boyfriends confidence after losing two fights in a row. I didn't divulge the secrets of our relationship to him, but I was curious as to why else, besides obvious reasons, he though my boyfriends ego would be damaged. I guess as it turns out the other fighter had been talking about how easily he was going to stomp my boyfriend in the ring, which is probably why this one seemed a bit more personal to my boyfriend aside from the manner in which he lost. According to my coach my boyfriend was pretty level-headed about the situation, even when the other guy brought me up, after learning I was going to be attending. When they were met a week before the fight to finalize the plans the kid said something to the extent of "better be careful bringing that girl around on fight night, she might not want to go home with you". Like I would leave with anyone other than my boyfriend, the guy seems like he a complete jerk. The coach said he just seemed to really be trying to get into my boyfriends head, but my boyfriend isn't much of a "smack talker" or anything so he basically told the other guy to be ready to put his money where his mouth is, when he stepped in the ring. My coach was just worried how he was doing psychologically because the kid basically forced my boyfriend to eat his words after pounding him senseless in the ring. It also made me realize another reason my boyfriend may have been feeling insecure afterwards, maybe the other fighter did get in his head with that comment about me, just after the fight instead of before it. Maybe my boyfriend actually considered that I might be attracted to the other man in the aftermath, what if he mistook me burying my head as a sign of shame? It just made me feel even better he had the chance to talk and clear things up.

After knowing all this I'm extremely scared of a possible rematch. I'm just honestly not sure if my boyfriend even has a chance, as much as I hate to say it(I'd never let him know this obviously). I know he's a great fighter and a very hard worker, but I fear this guy just may be too much for him. Especially, considering how confident and prepared he thought he was the first time, all of that time, training, confidence building only to have it get wiped away in less than 10 minutes by someone who makes defeating you, at your own game even, look effortless.

The last thing I want is for him to suffer another crushing defeat at the hands of this guy who is turning out to be his nemesis. I don't know what it would do to him or our relationship at this point.

By the same token I don't want this to bother him, fester in him, and grow into some gigantic problem later on. If he really needs a rematch to vindicate himself, who I am to try and deny it? He would only be doing what he thinks is best for himself/me.

This is why I'm so torn between taking JSN's approach or letting him make his own decision. I just think that if he does decide to fight a rematch, I might be able to help him by motivating him better, going about things in the way JSN described. Obviously, I'm not going to be pushing him into the fight right away, he's still recovering. I just mean that maybe taking JSN's approach will help me motivate him to begin training/preparing for the rematch, with extra vigor/passion.

Let me know what you think given the situation? Tell him I want to see him redeem himself in front of me like JSN suggested, or let him con to the decision on his own terms?

As always, thank you for the continuous support.

[Guest]

Then he's a fighter, so in that, he'll fight back for what he had as well, in the bedroom, in time....

Imagine the confidence, a dream, a goal, he thought he would win, he invited you for roll play, of another event he wanted to venture to, and that was in bed,with you......and that dream, goal, went terribly wrong...

I think that now that he has opened up and told you, a weight has been lifted off his shoulders to a degree...

It is in-deed fantastic that he can communicate ......and I respect that the complete picture was hard to see at first But, obviously you do stand by your man.

A re-match? Like anything in life, you have to work for it.....If he needs that for closure, as Virgle stated, get out there and practise with the best,....this person he faught with someone mentioned, may have a heck of a lot more experience, they do this all the time in the name of betting, privately and making money, chuck a good player in with a way experienced player, for money.....

My only suggestion for you is.....you've now seen the ring.... you've been there, live out his fantasy catch him un-aware and maybe firstly tell him you suspect, the above...so he sees it differently that maybe he was set up, because maybe he actually was.

CW

Thanks for your continued support! : )

I'm definitely going to take your advice and act out his fantasy. I was able to get my hands on an incredibly sexy outfit that, looks exactly like something you'd see being worn by the girls at the ring. The best part is he had asked me to collaborate with him on his fantasy by creating the scenario! I can't wait until he gets home tonight, I'm going to do everything I can to blow his mind and I've got just the thing in mind. I'm planning on role playing as ring girl who's sought after by both my boyfriend and an opponent and ask them both to fight for my honor in the ring. The winner (My boyfriend of course) gets me, and a night full of passion! If that doesn't boost his ego, I don't know what will!

I'll let you know how things turn out, I really hope this will be a step in the right direction as far as getting our sex life back on track!

[oxy-moron]

Taking repeated blows to the head causes brain damage. The type of brain damage usually shows by 40 Years of age.
If you are worried about him talk him out of fighting. If he has to fight then talk him into something like martial arts where his brain wont be turned to porridge.

[Guest]

So, unfortunately last night didn't go as well as planned. I guess I kinda expected too much for one night to fix everything. It obvious we still have a ways to go in the bedroom. I'm ok with that just a little disappointed, mostly with myself I guess. : (

The night started out great, when he came home he found me in bed with the costume on and he seemed really turned on. We started acting out the fantasy and everything was fine until we got to the fighting part of it. He started fighting (well I guess pretending to fight) and I was fine at first, I was cheering for him telling him how badly I wanted him. He came and sat down on the bed for the "intermission", during which I game him a lap dance and then performed oral sex on him. I could tell he was absolutely loving it. He started the "2nd round" and tried to get me even hotter by adding some drama in the mix, he started to pretend he was taking some hits and had been taken down. For some reason this just had the opposite effect he anticipated. I guess he wanted me to cheer harder for him to get back up and win, but instead I started to have flash backs of his trauma in the ring, even seeing him pretending to be hurt just drove me crazy. I know this probably sounds completely crazy, but I guess I'm just really vulnerable when I picture him getting hurt right now. After all he's been through with the two crushing losses and the mental trauma of losing to the person taunting him I just can't bear to see him getting hurt anymore, even if he was just pretending. I basically just broke down in front of him. At first he was confused, rightfully so, but after I explained what I was experiencing he seemed to understand completely. He kinda conceded that it might have been a little soon to try the fantasy. I did get the vibe/atmosphere of the ring when I watched his fight, but since he lost in the way he did it was just a negative experience overall, which he thought probably really affected my mindset when trying to fantasize about the ring and him fighting.

So we ended up just declaring him the winner by default, and I let him take me to bed to try and finish out the fantasy. He took his time undressing me, which really helped with the foreplay we've been missing, and then he started to ravish me... or so I thought. Things were going great at first, I hadn't seen him so passionate in a while, I thought tonight he was going to have me reveling in ecstasy. It was just starting to feel it when, without warning, he ejaculated... he literally lasted 3 minutes. I didn't make it a big deal and let him remember we're still working on things. We tried a few more times, but the all the buildup/passion was virtually lost and I think he was still a little down because he knew he had me right where he wanted me when he ejaculated prematurely.

I guess we'll really have to work on his, what seems to be, performance anxiety? It was definitely a little frustrating tonight because it seemed like things were on the very verge of going back to normal, but then in the next second everything just kinda feel apart and we realized we weren't as close to where we were as we thought. : (

I'm starting to hope he gets back into the ring and can nab a win because that would allow us to just take our fantasy play to the next level and let me think of the ring as place where my boyfriend is the king instead of the jester!

Any thoughts on taking JNS's advice and coaxing him into the rematch? I'm really leaning towards doing that now. I couldn't stand to see him give up one of his passions on such a sore note, it would just destroy him! : (