[BobSmith]

My girlfriend and I are in a healthy relationship of over 12 months. We are both adults, so no need to worry. In october, we decided that we both wanted to lose our virginity to one another. So we did. The first few times we had sex, weren't great, I orgasmed quickly, and she was in a lot of pain. The next few times were like this, and from what I understand, the pain didn't hurt quite as bad as it did the first time. We assumed that with time, the pain would go away, and that she too could enjoy sex. Naturally, she was excited for this transition to occur (as was I). But the pain seemed to never really go away completely for her. That is, we cannot have sex without her being in signifigant pain. We have tried lubricated condoms, and she had said that they help a little, but not fully. She can barely withstand missionary style, but any other position asolutely kills her. Eventually, with college and other responsibilities, we both kinda gave up on improving our sex life. Currently, we have sex, at the most, once evry 2 weeks. I feel like this is not enough for two healthy college students who do not wrk full time. And she agreed, but she said because of the pain she's in, she really can't handle too much more. . She can barely withstand missionary style, but any other position asolutely kills her.(Please not that I do not blame her at all for not wanting todo something that hurts)

In addition to the pain that she experiences during sex, she also does not feel any "good" kind of feeling during sex. Also, we are very honest about our sex life, and both accept the fact that we're boh new to the whole thing. During other sexual activities, such as me giving her oral sex, or fingering her, she says that the oral sex does not hurt, but feels almost no different than if I were to be doing the same thing to any other part of her body (basically it doesn't feel good or bad). She says the same goes for the rubbing of her clitoris.
I am open to the idea that I am doing these things incorrectly, but I have seeked advice and developed what I feel to at least be a decent and standard technique for each of these.

She has never orgasmed around me, and she does not masturbate through fingering or any sort of clitorial touching. (she does the leg crossing thing). I have suggested that maybe if she were to try and masturbate with me in the room, her body would be more willing to do it while we were intimate. We haven't had the chance to try it yet. I have also suggested that she try masturbating through fingering or clitorial rubbing on her own, in hopes that her body might find a desire for it.

So I guess my questions are:
1. WHat are your thoughts on the painful sex?
2. What are your thoughts on her not feeling any stimulation from the other sexual activities?
3. What do you think of my suggestions to her?

[bunnyrunner]

yikes! the painful sex thing, even after trying as much as you have, sounds like a problem. Has she talked to a doctor/obgyn? There might be something wrong. You aren't supposed to be in that much pain :/

Not feeling stimulation could be a psychological thing? I'm clearly not a doctor or anything but maybe she just has anxiety about it or maybe anxiety about something else that she doesn't realize she's thinking about could transfer over? I know different people prefer different things and different things feel good so maybe it's just the nerves or something in that part of her body? This is also something I think I might bring up when talking to the doctor.

It's really awesome that yall are open with each other and can talk through things like this. I hope you find a solution. Keep us updated!

[Guest]

I would recommend that you do a search using the window in the upper right hand corner of this site. Enter words, each individually, like sex, oral, masturbation, masturbating, BJ, Hand Job, or what ever.

MOST subjects have been "talked" about and some have been "talked" about to death. So, IF you're willing to spend the time reviewing some of the many posts/replies that have been left previously, I think you will find a lot of helpful information.

This is a GREAT site with LOTS of people that have helpful suggestions of all kinds.

One thought that comes to my mind is that you're not spending near enough time in foreplay, therefore, she is not getting nearly wet enough to enjoy anything that you do. It takes, on average, TWENTY minutes for a woman to get to a level of arousal that is reasonable....and that's just an average.

So s - l - o - w down, take your time, focus on her and making her feel good/bringing her pleasure. Get her entire body involved....learn to enjoy every inch, every curve, every part of it. As you explore, ask her how this or that feels as you caress, finger, fondle, kiss, lick and stroke her body.

[CandieBears]

If you just started having sex and its both the first couple go rounds with each other.. there are several things that could be wrong.. first when women get scared all the muscles down there contract.. so she needs to relax and you need to help her... second she may be allergic to latex and that is a HORRIBLE PAINFUL experience in its self.. and each time it hurts.. it makes the next time that much more scarier.

As for her masterbating.. not all girls like to touch there "bow" so maybe thats her issue.. if she has pulsating shower head she can try that.. or try touching over her underware and not directly first. I hope some of this may have helped?

[jns]

I agree with SA

[BobSmith]

hmmm.. she says that it feels just a little bit better when we use the condoms..

[WildChild]

This sounds more psychological than physiological but she should see a doctor just to rule out any infections or other possible causes.
Studies of brain activity have found that there are a fair number of women who are essentially disconnected from their bodies. Brain activity will clearly show that orgasm has occured but they don't feel or recognize it. Dr Northrup has expressed in her book on the Wisdom of Menopause that there is often a corelation between painful sex and unresolved emotional issues.

I agree with Seeker that learning to become a master of female arousal is a good approach. Check out the Books on Sex thread and get online to seach for books on how to pleasure a woman - ones written by women are your best bet. Even if you don't manage to get things balanced with this woman, it will still serve you well to learn this.

[oxy-moron]

Obviously you have tried adding lube.
Is the pain is eased a bit by a condom then you would have to imagine a friction type pain rather that a muscle type pain. So this could be a laceration on the skin surface -but even then you would imagine that would be worse on one side.
I understand from the leg crossing thing that this involves more extreme pressure on the clit.
(Havent read the Hite Report for years so cant quite remember)
This is probably why what you are doing is not working.
Try changing your love making a bit. Insert totally with her on top then get her to grind pubic bone to pubic bone. No thrusting or movement in and out. See if she can feel this on her clit.
Good luck.