[Northstar]

I’m so confused right now. I have been married for 15 yrs and have had a lot of ups and downs. As a teen I had an extremely high sex drive and things started out that way with my marriage. My sex drive was a lot higher than my hubby’s at first, but after having kids it did dwindle over the years. The problem is that when mine dwindled, his picked up. It seems like for a long time we were not on the same page. I am a very open person and like to experience new things and we have experimented with toys and porn and things like that. Our sex life has been good, but it has not been not as frequent as my hubby would like. Our marriage has been on the rocks for over a year now because I feel like he has not been supportive of my ambitions and made it difficult to go back to school. A few weeks ago, I went to have coffee with a guy friend (who is quite attractive, but just a friend) and he started kissing me. I really wanted to take things further but left because it is wrong. I don’t believe in cheating at all and was surprised that I allowed myself to kiss him back before turning him down. That kiss did something to me. It totally awakened my sleeping sex drive. I have gained a large amount of weight from having kids and being kissed by a very attractive guy made me feel really attractive again. I told hubby that night that I thought our marriage could be in real trouble because for the first time since being married I was starting to want to have sex with other men. ( I didn’t tell him about the other guy only because he is married with kids and I don’t want to cause problems for them). We decided to go away for the weekend to work through things. The problem is that I was just really horny and wanted to have sex all of the time. We went to a strip bar and got a private dance with a couple of strippers. It was great; I have been attracted to women for a long time but never acted on it. When we went back to the hotel and had sex, hubby told me how much he wanted to have sex with those women and it really turned me on. We had amazing sex and I felt really connected to him. I haven’t felt a strong connection is a long, long time. It is very confusing to me, my only explanation is that I feel connected because we experienced other women together, and because he was being so open with me. He said that he felt connected to me too. We have had sex at least once, sometimes 3 times a day since we went away, and I can’t get sex off my mind. I fantasize about having sex with other men and other women, I want to do a threesome and I want to try swinging with other couples. His sex drive is also really high and he kind of wants to try things too, especially a threesome with another woman. I think that I would be ok with swinging. It is so weird, the thought of him being with another woman really turns me on. I did not get at all jealous when strippers sat on his lap, or when they rubbed their in his face, I just loved that he was enjoying himself so much. When we watch porn together, watching him get turned on by other women turns me on. I am very confused about all of these feelings. I feel so close to hubby right now and I don’t want to lose that feeling again. I am also very sexually charged and want to experiment with things further. I think that if all of this is coming from a positive place, where I just feel liberated and free to explore my sexuality because I am just a naturally highly sexual person, then there is nothing wrong with taking things further as long as we are both ok with it. Part of me is afraid that this is coming from a negative place. I was raped as a teen and treated very badly in some relationships until I met hubby. I know that such experiences can mess people up sometimes, and lead to promiscuity. If this is acting out then I will just end up hurting myself, and possibly him too. I just don’t know what to do right now.

[WildChild]

Why not start by visiting a swingers club just to observe and chat with people? Check out Loving More, you may find some good information there.
You need ground rules if you are going to do this. You need to both be safe mentally and physically.

There is a big difference between seeking out sex after abuse to try to fill a void in place of feeling loved and wanting to explore and play. It's Ok as long as you are on the same page with this.

[Northstar]

Thank you, Wildchild for reading my long post and for your great advice. Hubby and I are considering visiting a swingers club in a few weeks. We are both so sexually charged right now that I am aftaid that we may decide to take things to a level we are not ready for because we get caught up in the fun and excitement of it all. I just don't want to do anything before we are both ready. We will spend a lot of time discussing and working through our feelings until then.

What you said about the differences between sex after abuse and wanting to explore and play makes a lot on sence to me. I am a highly sexual person and I have had a difficult time comming to terms with it. Not that I think that there is anything wrong with it, I just have always thought it came from being raped and several sexually exploitative relationships rather than from who I am. After doing some soul searching, I realized that I have always been a very sexual person, even before I was raped. I actually remember being able to give myself orgasims as a failry young child, and fantacizing about sex quite often.

I think that because swinging is such a taboo thing, I may take some time to become comfortable with being so interested in it. It is kind of hard for me to accept that I get turned on by, and not jealous of, the idea of hubby being sexual with another woman. If anyone else had ever had these feelings, I would love to hear about them.

[Guest]

Partner and I visit these types of clubs once in a while. NOT to share, but for the visual stimulation that they offer. Neither she nor I are into swinging as it pertains to actually sharing a partner, but the sex can be amazing while visiting one of these clubs.

Something else we do, kind of along the same lines, is visit nude or clothing optional resorts too. Though these are not swing resorts (at least, that's not how they're meant to be). There are nude or clothing optional resorts for swingers too.

[Northstar]

Seeker_Advice, Thankyou for sharing. Can you tell me a bit about what some of the clubs are like. I really have no idea what to expect. The one that I am considering going to is an off premise club. There aren't any on premise clubs close to me.

[Guest]

Honestly, I'm not sure what an "off premise club" is, I will assume that it's in someone's home... Regardless, so called swing clubs or adults only clubs are anonymous clubs where people gather to socialize, drink, dance, eat and spend time with others who have like or similar interests.

The women are generally the "focus" and as such tend to dress a little more provacatively then they would outside of the club. There is usually one main room with a BYOB bar of some sort, a dance floor or area to dance, a DJ playing tunes and tables to sit at. There may also be couches or over stuffed chairs, etc. or other areas in which to "play". There may be other rooms exclusively for adult play and/or other areas for more adult play.

Generally, you are free to be as discreet with your play as you desire or as open as you desire. We have a strict "hands off" with no sharing policy, but many other couples allow you to "join in" with one or both of them or you may even be approached as a couple to "swing".

It is quite common to see a couple engaging in an activity with a couple of additional males caressing the other parts of her body (as an example). There are also plenty of more than one woman scenarios too.

I have only been to one "wild" adults only club and it was in a large metropolitan city. Swinging from the chandeliers was pretty close to accurate in that one instance. Most clubs are pretty tame and reasonably "conservative"...all things considered.

If I were you, I'd take some extra clothes, a couple small hand towels, lube, condoms, your favorite toy and an open mind.

We have a lot of fun when we go. Same for the clothing optional resorts. We really enjoy those too.

[LilahX]

You certainly have the right attitude within your relationship to swing successfully. We've been a part of the scene for around 10 years and I know for a fact that the only way it works is if both partners not jealous of the other having sex with someone else. In fact it should be a turn on. The fact that you can have sex with someone else doesn't mean you love your partner any less. As you say, it in fact brings you closer, the ultimate intimacy really because you can be open and honest about your desires and know it's not a threat to your love and trust.

Go to a club or a party, see how it works and that everyone there is just a normal couple who just happen to have broader boundaries than other couples. The key - talk a lot about this, share your thoughts and feelings about all aspects of it. Not everyone you meet will work out, you'll have good and ordinary experiences, but you'll experience its together which is what matters most.

[Hugo-B]

I'm sorry to hear about what happened to you as a teenager. Congratulations for persevering, moving on and starting a family. Please do NOT associate guilt with sex. It is your right to enjoy guilt free sex, don't forget this.

A good first step before the threesome if you're not quite sure is to go to the swinging club and have sex with each other only, but in front of the other couples. Fantasy and reality are quite different, the relationship needs to be watertight for you to both see each other enjoying other partners, the worst case scenario is can you cope with seeing your husband being pleasured by another woman, and what if he appears to be enjoying it more than he does with you? No offense?

Good luck and I hope this wrks out for you :-)