[WildChild]

We didn't suggest a couple's massage but a CLASS in couple's massage. You learn to give massage to each other. This can be a wonderful way to connect.

Is she on BC or any meds?
How long has she been this way?
Was she orgasmic in the past?

[caster]

We did a massage class as well, she loves getting mine and that's about the only intercourse I get. Nice position but I long for the embracing of intimate sex, not just the act.
Ever think you'd hear a guy say that?

No meds, it's been a long term issue. She used to be quite a tigress, then less so like most long term relationships, then lack of desire, hard to orgasm and now frustrated, it's dwindled down to near nothing over the last few years.
Probably a year plus since she had an orgasm. She now blames it on menopause, but it's been going on longer than that and she knows it.

[pretzel]

We did a massage class as well, she loves getting mine and that's about the only intercourse I get. Nice position but I long for the embracing of intimate sex, not just the act.
Ever think you'd hear a guy say that?

No meds, it's been a long term issue. She used to be quite a tigress, then less so like most long term relationships, then lack of desire, hard to orgasm and now frustrated, it's dwindled down to near nothing over the last few years.
Probably a year plus since she had an orgasm. She now blames it on menopause, but it's been going on longer than that and she knows it.

castor, this jumped out at me like a 50 ft. red flag.

Understand that menopause (or in this case perimenopause) is a process that is years in the making. My wife's 48 and has been dealing with symptoms of varying degrees for the last 4 years and I would venture to say we still have a few more years of dealing with it ahead of us.

If you haven't looked already, somewhere on the web is a list of various perimenopause symptoms. I'll bet that you'll be able to identify more than a handful of symptoms.

[Hopeless Dork]

No meds, it's been a long term issue. She used to be quite a tigress, then less so like most long term relationships, then lack of desire, hard to orgasm and now frustrated, it's dwindled down to near nothing over the last few years.
Probably a year plus since she had an orgasm.

I think it has way less to do with the fact that you guys have been together a long time than the fact she isn't having orgasms. A lot of women tend to thrive sexually the longer they are with a man... the more he learns her body, the more comfortable she is... and the sex just gets better and better.

If she is not experiencing sexual pleasure... it makes sense that she would not want sex... so that should be the primary area of focus. She hasn't had an orgasm in a year. You get hj's and sex from her (to orgasm, I presume).. and are considering ANOTHER outlet for your orgasms while she still hasn't found ONE? Think about how much resentment that would cause down the road, despite what she says now?

Unless she is trying to find a way out of touching you, period, she doesn't mean what she said. If you started getting happy ending massages I could see that as her ticket to 100 percent check out of the sexual side of your relationship -- thereby cementing you guys and best friends that love each other, with no intimacy.

Perhaps she said she was okay with it to see if you'd confess to having done so in the past, perhaps she said she'd be okay with it to see if you would jump and down and say 'OH GOODIE', perhaps she said she was okay with it for some reassurance that you'd never do that to her... or perhaps she said it because she truly desires to check-out of the sexual side of your relationship.

None of those things and many others I can think of lend to the idea that persuing what she said would be anywhere near a good idea.

[caster]

A lot of women tend to thrive sexually the longer they are with a man... the more he learns her body, the more comfortable she is... and the sex just gets better and better.

I don't know about that one, from the most part men are complaining how their wives lost interest in sex over time, not that it's gotten better. I'm sure some do gain interest, but I'd wager it's a small percentage.

We're a pretty open minded couple, never shared or anything, but nothing is taboo to discuss or try, to a point. Personally I think she was being candid, that she wouldn't care if I "got serviced" during the course of a massage.
Not that I'd go looking for it, but not sure I'd now stop a masseuse if she started something. I do realize that once that door is open I'd have no idea where it'd lead.

If you haven't looked already, somewhere on the web is a list of various perimenopause symptoms. I'll bet that you'll be able to identify more than a handful of symptoms.

I have and I think she started menopause around age 27 and still isn't through it at age 50.
Kidding aside, I know it's an issue, what I don't understand is her unwillingness to address it. Maybe allowing me out to play is her way of knowing she's not giving me what I need.
That's not what I want, but the status quo can't continue. I'm only 51, not going on like this until 61-71-81
The last talk we had the other night made it appear to me she's waiting on something to click on inside her when it's all over and she'll be ready to resume intimate sex again. In the mean time I'm left to twiddle my, um... thumbs or have someone do it for me.

[WildChild]

I know its a big fat book but I really recommend that you get and read,The Wisdom Of Menopause. I think you will find a wealth of information and some answers there, not just for now but for the past and future as well.
Diet, emotions and physical activity levels all play a roll. Why not get as educated as you can?

[pretzel]

I can definately sympathize with you on what we tend to perceive as unwillingness to address it and her waiting for something to click. I probably have a couple hundred posts here asking the same questions. Still don't know if I'm any further along in understanding it.

There are a few posters who have helped me tremendously in this. Hopefully between the Menopause Forum and their wise words may give you a few ideas on how this affects women and how we love them.

(on edit)

Gee WC, you could have at least let me suggest you chiming in by way of proper introduction.

[WildChild]

Gee WC, you could have at least let me suggest you chiming in by way of proper introduction.

Oh darlin' you knew I wouldn't miss this one! Humans are a difficult lot aren't they? So few of us seem to get what we think we need, yet we are surprisingly resistant to doing what would bring change. (self included). I'm waiting for the day that you announce that you are fabulously happy and satisfied! I'm working on it. Finally got it (again) that it's all on me to create what I need.

[WildChild]

Gee WC, you could have at least let me suggest you chiming in by way of proper introduction.

Oh darlin' you knew I wouldn't miss this one! Humans are a difficult lot aren't they? So few of us seem to get what we think we need, yet we are surprisingly resistant to doing what would bring change. (self included). I'm waiting for the day that you announce that you are fabulously happy and satisfied! I'm working on it. Finally got it (again) that it's all on me to create what I need.

[pretzel]

One day you just might hear that. In one form or another.