[nyx]

I know how u feel.....I have never been sexually attracted to my husband...never...it was his good heart and christian spirit that was the attraction....we r not newlyweds......I look at him and I am turned off...he is a cln person and keeps up with hisself I just have never been phy attracted to him...at all...he is not... I am considering divorce.....I am in my 40s.....I don't want to be unhappy or feel obligated ...after all these yrs of being married and he is still fumbling..like he doesn't know my anatomy.....it's annoying....I don't want anyone else....I really want to leave him.....but we have kids....it not just about me you know.......can anyone relate....if so what did u do.....I don't want counseling...I know this sounds mean...but I am tired of him....

Divorce isn't necessarily a bad thing. It is a huge change in everyone's lives. However, your kids will not be blind to the fact that you and your husband no longer love each other. You may just end up sacrificing yourself for no reason. It's not that bad though. Of course everyone will be upset at first and it will be really hard, but I believe it's better in the end. My parents are divorced, and I would rather them be happy than keep up a farse just to make my life easier. People grow apart and different things become important. Your kids will understand eventually no matter what you choose. But I think it boils down to keeping up a charade because it's easier, or making a huge life change. Maybe you should also talk to your husband about all this.

[Mr. Inquisitive]

I can't but think that if this was a guy posting something like this the women would be up in arms.

[randomguy2011]

Its kind of funny how people fall in love and marry each other knowing one thing and thinking that magically it will change. If your husband was inexperienced or at least acted that way sexually he isn't going to change especially now after you are married and he is 100% comfortable with you. He has already gained weight and stopped shaving so obviously he isn't worried that you will leave him and probably trusts you to love him 100% no matter what. You need to make him understand that his lack of attention to you and your needs are jeopardizing your urge to be with him sexually. I wouldn't say it exactly like that because most men and myself to some point have egos when it comes to sexual performance.

[Guest]

I agree with Pretzel's remarks. Also, Mr Inquisitive makes a very good point. I've mentioned this before that it seems to me like the man always has to work that much harder when he wants sex, than the opposite way round. What I found disheartening was where she says that she is fed up of having to do all the work ! Isn't this what miilions of men across the world have to do regularly? The main reason for this is that we have generally a higher sex drive than the ladies because of higher testosterone levels. Even so, it's not very nice to have to do this (whatever sex you are) and it is exhausting.
My view I admit, and it comes from where I had to do that very thing. I know, I know, you ladies may jump on my back, but hopefully you'll see that I make a pertinent remark (you're usually fair with us guys) Just seems to me that once a relationship is settled, the man GENERALLY has to do the chasing and working at sex, and the woman waits until she's ready and basically takes control of regularity. This is one case where the exception proves the rule!

[darcdante]

Were you ever "sexually attracted to him"? Other than his weight gain and infrequent shaving, what else has happened?

Men quickly get comfortable in relationships in part because women allow it.

That goes both ways. My fiance, whom I've lived with for over a year, very rarely shaves her legs. She gets onto me aboout shaving my face, so I gave her a *** for tat lol. "I'll shave me face when you shave your legs! Or I'll look like ZZ Top and you'll like it!" Then I shaved the next day cause I'm kinda a lol. And people see that, ya know? I gotta work and stuff, can't look like a frakkin hippy.

[WildChild]

I agree with Pretzel's remarks. Also, Mr Inquisitive makes a very good point. I've mentioned this before that it seems to me like the man always has to work that much harder when he wants sex, than the opposite way round. What I found disheartening was where she says that she is fed up of having to do all the work ! Isn't this what miilions of men across the world have to do regularly? The main reason for this is that we have generally a higher sex drive than the ladies because of higher testosterone levels. Even so, it's not very nice to have to do this (whatever sex you are) and it is exhausting.
My view I admit, and it comes from where I had to do that very thing. I know, I know, you ladies may jump on my back, but hopefully you'll see that I make a pertinent remark (you're usually fair with us guys) Just seems to me that once a relationship is settled, the man GENERALLY has to do the chasing and working at sex, and the woman waits until she's ready and basically takes control of regularity. This is one case where the exception proves the rule!

It really doesn't matter who thinks which gender generally has it tougher. (my personal experience has been that I want it more than most men) What really matters is the individual relationship. Mismatched sex drives, interest or attraction, regardless of on what side, are a problem. Sometimes people just get lazy, they change, one wants something different and the other is fine where it is at. What your neighbor's situation is or what 90% of other people's situation is, doesn't make you situation any better or worse - it just means you have more company in it.

I hate it when a doctor says, "there is only a one in 1000 chance this is fatal" If you or your loved one is the "one", then for you it's 100%, it doesn't matter to you that 999 others are non fatal. Ya know?
Rant over.

Right or wrong the OP needs to decide what she wants?
Do you want to try to cure this? To reinvent the relationship?
O do you want out?
I can't address you religious end of decisions because I don't share that belief system but speaking one human to another, I believe we are here to learn and grow and to be as happy as possible. What will best serve this purpose?

[GoodGuy]

I can't but think that if this was a guy posting something like this the women would be up in arms.

Actually, that's very likely, though I don't say it in a completely condemning way. It doesn't bother me, but there is a "shallowness" of some sort attributed to our gender. It's deeply rooted, and in the eyes of many women would be the default reason why we posted it. In fact, we men more or less merily go ahead and admit to most of the shallowness, whether or not it is earned. HUGE discussion here, that needs to land in its own thread, but I wanted to mention that you are most certainly right in your wondering.

[waya]

but there is a "shallowness" of some sort attributed to our gender. It's deeply rooted, and in the eyes of many women would be the default reason why we posted it. In fact, we men more or less merily go ahead and admit to most of the shallowness, whether or not it is earned. HUGE discussion here, that needs to land in its own thread, but I wanted to mention that you are most certainly right in your wondering.

I agree to an extent. I think it comes from the attitude that 'real men' aren't supposed to be emotional creatures. IMO, this causes many to bury their emotions and makes others feel they have license to be shallow and/or selfish. Just a thought. Whatever the case, I don't buy into the idea that men are not at all complicated. They've always confused me

[Hopeless Dork]

I can't but think that if this was a guy posting something like this the women would be up in arms.

No doubt...

To the OP... if he is fumbling... why not guide him? Have you tried to show him what feels good to you? Is it that he doesn't know because you act like its all fine or is that you've told him and he refuses to try? The answer to that question would be huge in understanding your situation.

His experience or lack of it is sort of irrelvent in my opinion -- all women are different we all have things we like and don't like... and if we want to enjoy sex... its in our hands as much as our S.O's to make that happen by expressing what feels good to us, what we need more of etc..

As for his gaining weight... why not encourage some physical activities the two of you could do together? Start bringing healthy foods in the house and make it a team effort...

As for the shaving, if you prefer him shaved... let him know how sexy you think he is that way. Men want to feel good about themselves as much as women do (unless they are depressed, etc) and if you tell him he looks hot in red, and that you cant wait to rip his pants off when he wears red -- guess what... he's going to be shopping for red -- same for shaving, just let him know

[GoodGuy]

I agree to an extent. I think it comes from the attitude that 'real men' aren't supposed to be emotional creatures. IMO, this causes many to bury their emotions and makes others feel they have license to be shallow and/or selfish. Just a thought. Whatever the case, I don't buy into the idea that men are not at all complicated. They've always confused me

Hmmmm......almost. Even your statement "aren't supposed to be emotional creatures" has an implied assumption to it.

Taking a step back and looking at aggregates, there is clearly an *average* set of defining characteristics of men. There is also an *average* set of defining characteristics of women. Somehow there became a sense that half the population (women) had a better way, and that the other half (men) were somehow broken. This is fundamentally flawed. Each way is as valid as the other because they are only truly definable by their own rules.

This was very difficult for me to accept at first, and during the first half of my life I spent much of my time trying to fix this; striving endlessly to believe in the "masculinity doesn't mean {insert issue}". Then I discovered that a huge number of women secretly reacted positively, and in fact sought out, masculinity complete with all of what is conversationally considered flaws.