[retrochick]

Hi everyone,

I don't really know why or how to post what I'm about to.

I've had some troubling experiences with sex and men, namely a sexually intended attack that occured when I was 13. My experiences have led me to want wholesome and loving sexual relationships, which is normal- but at the same time, I want 'vanilla' sexual relations- to know and understand I am not being used or abused like I have been in the past.

My current boyfriend, T, is an amazing person- caring and patient, gorgeous in appearance. I love him dearly and I've been seeing him for a little over six months. He has an open mind toward sex, claiming it to be like food- that sex can be had for various reasons and in different ways. He sees it as something fun and as exploration.

I can't get my head around this. I can understand his logic- and most people do see it as fun- it's a bonding activity. Yet, I can't get comfortable- I can't find the value in 'fun'. I need to know I am loved- is fun a sign of love? I am not feeling apprecited or loved because I can only see a primitive and negative image of sex every time we do it. How is he not objectifiying me like the rapist who attacked me?

I feel with sex that I have blocked a lot of it out- I feel switched off mentally toward it and that the motions of sex are nothing but that, motions. He asks me how it feels and I say just how it is- 'like I have a penis inside me' etc. That is the truth.

Admitedly, sometimes it does feel good- but a lot of the time it feels like nothing, just how it physically is or it feels bad. I understand that it probably feels bad because I can't relax- my mind is racing a lot of the time.

My boyfriend also likes kink. I'm scared by this, I'd be more curious if I didn't feel so worried all the time.

I don't feel safe with my boyfriend with sex. I know he'll stop when I ask, I know he'll listen and he always does and I know he won't make me do anything I find uncomfortable. Yet I get a feeling of dread when suggests or does anything sexual.

I don't feel like I can connect his non sexual self with his sexual self. I've had this problem with men since the attack- I don't feel like they are the same person when they want sex. It's like I see it as two modes and both are detached.

Please help, I know I have issues but I just need any advice or feedback.

[stariana]

I can't imagine having to cope with being attacked : ( . . . but, I think by you coming here and seeking feedback is a wonderful step towards recovery. I applaud you for seeing what you need help with. You will find it here, it's a wonderful place. You'll be ok. One step at a time. Admitting you need help, that something just isn't right, is the first step. Have you ever sought out a professionals help?

[leahbia_83008]

first i'd like to say i'm so sorry this happened to you. i can only imagine the pain involved & i understand how coping would not be easy. i think the best thing you could do is be open and honest with your boyfriend (if you haven't been already) and just take things, both physically and emotionally, one step at a time. a sex therapist would be a wonderful investment... they could help you understand how and why you feel the way you do. ask your family doctor for a recommendation & if it would make you more comfortable, have your boyfriend tag along too that way he too can see from a professional point of view how you are feeling and what he can do to make things easier for you. if he is really as sweet as you say he is, he should be willing and understanding to help you learn and grow into the most beautiful, healthy person you can be. things like this happen to women every day and as hurtful as it is (and no disrespect), you can either move on to a happier lifestyle, or dwell on the past and make it harder for you to recover. best of luck to you!

[tinyclitt]

You need professional help. Perhaps you can find a local sliding fee mental health counseling service in your area.

[BabyGirl]

As Tiny said
~( hope it's ok just to call you Tiny for short ? Just can't seem to call someone a Clit or clitt just like the other C word , Shudders )~

If you can't afford professional Counseling .

Anyway, you may also be able to find Woman's Support Group in your City or Town. That are Similar to Alcoholics Anonymous. that Support those that have been Molested, Raped or just plain Sexually Abused.

These are Free and usually in Group settings and sometimes have Real Counselors that donate their time to help those in Need .

Either way, it's a setting where you can share your feelings and worries and maybe others that are in or past your " Stage " of recovery can help .

[KateA]

These are some heavy issues that you are going through, and it doesn't sound to me like you have gotten professional help to help you deal with the horrible things you have been through. There are many people on this site who would be willing to help and support you, but sadly none of us are qualified mental health profesionals.You need to see someone about all of this.

You also need to speak to your partner about sex. Maybe tell him you need to back off physically for a while. You need time to heal and process.

[LanaBear]

I'm going to echo what BG and TC said. I think you have a lot of healing to do. Sex, IMO, is fun. Fun can be a sign of love, why not? Or it can just be fun. If what happened to you has taken the fun out of it (which, by all rights, I totally understand that), then you need to be honest with your boyfriend and take a long hard look at what you want and look for in intimacy and/or sex. What happened to you was awful and I really think you need to seek out some counseling or group therapy to try to move past this, into a more healthy sexual relationship, if that is what you are wanting.

Seeing sex as primitive (the bad kind) and negative every time the two of you get together is not doing him nor you any good. And if his desires are different then yours, then you need to be able to work through that. You shouldn't feel terrified of your boyfriend and his sexual desires, that is not good. If he cares about you, which it sounds like he does, talk to him, tell him your fears, let him work with you, make you feel the way you need to to enjoy your intimate times with him.

And I'll stress again, please seek out some help.