[sardreamah]

ok, so i have recently come out of a 3 and a half year relationship. For the first year of that relationship my ex boyfriend and I had a healthy sexual relationship. Unfortunately for me I was never sexually satisfied. I would never get overly horny (I suppose because i has never had an orgasm, therefore never new the pleasures of having sex) and then it started to hurt. I wouldn't get lubricated and then I lost the desire to keep trying all together. The next year of out relationship was purely me taking car of his sexual needs. This became a chore as i wasn't getting anything out of it, or in return. I started playing with myself when he wasn't around and found that i could indeed orgasm. But no matter how long our foreplay was, no matter how much instruction i would give, even if i tried to get myself off with him in the room, it just wasn't happening. The last year of our relationship was sexless, and eventually came to an end because of it. When i pleasure myself, i have never done it with out porn. I am unable to with out it. Sometimes erotic stories, and sometimes movies. I am now sleeping with someone else, and he is already noticing i don't get any satisfaction, no matter how much i try. I thought being with someone else and being able to show him what i like and don't like from the beginning would work. But it hasn't. I am now 20 years old and still haven't received an orgasm from anyone but myself. I have already lost one relationship to this, I am not willing to lose any future relationships to it either. There must be some way, some sort of herb, supplement, medication, exercise, vitamin, mineral, ritual, ANYTHING that can help. With the guy I have started sleeping with, there has been no more pain, so I can only assume that was my on mind making sex feel like pain, as it was such a pain in the *** doing it with no return. PLEASE HELP. I can't live like this any more.. I can't lose anyone else from my life because of this.

[chaya]

There must be some way, some sort of herb, supplement, medication, exercise, vitamin, mineral, ritual, ANYTHING that can help.

If you find something that works, PLEASE share it with me. I am in the same situation, I can't get aroused but must have sex with my husband because he needs it and I don't want to lose him.

[Ashlee T.]

For you...it seems there are a few different things going on here. But mostly what you've discovered is that (and I know this is going to sound crazy... ) you're not ready for a sexual relationship. You're getting to a point at age 20 (learning how to bring yourself to orgasm) that many women haven't gotten to when they are 30. There is NOTHING at all wrong with learning yourself, exploring yourself and learning what works for YOU before bringing someone else into the picture. In a sense, you're training your body. A huge part of it is mental. Men deal with this as well. There is a fine line though, between learning yourself and exploration and becoming physically desensitized from your own self pleasure that you can't find that with anyone else. Right now, I don't see that as an issue for you. I see someone who is just finding her "mojo" and needs to take some time out from a sexual relationship to develop yourself sexually, independently, and without the stresses that a sexual relationship brings (STD's...pregnancy...unwanted emotional baggage....non-compatible partner...).

Alot of women experience their first real orgasm with a man during oral. And then it's as if once the "flood gates" open one time, she can relax a bit, feels more confident (and so does he) and then it can happen time and time again. Then it becomes a path of discovery for both involved. I am 29. I've had 2 partners that truly knew how to give satisfying oral. The others didn't take their time, didn't give it much gusto. It's quite possible you just haven't found the person yet that will understand your body, that will take the time to learn you and will rock your socks.

No beating yourself up over this. You'll only make things worse by creating and strengthening the mental complex you've already developed. (I know this from experience.. )This is not something you can force. You are not abnormal in the least. Matter of fact I respect you tremendously for being 20 and deciding that you're not willing to force yourself into unsatisfying sex. Do you know how many young women out there your age are having sex daily and not enjoying it......because they feel like they should, that it's expected of them? Why? Because they haven't had any time in their lives as adult women, to learn their own bodies, independently, without the pressure of a partner. Now's your time girl. It's a period of growth and exploration. Use it!!

[Brandywine]

I agree with BD that it's so so important to discover your body and what gets you going. From what you have said you have done some of this and so you know what an orgasm feels like. You want to have an orgasm with your man which makes sense! That being said, when I went through a short period of time unable to orgasm with my man, I discovered that it was because I was "trying too hard". The whole time I was having sex I kept thinking about wanting to orgasm and wondering if it was going to happen this time. It didn't. Until I realized to let go and just enjoy the closeness and intimacy and my man's desire for me. That's when I began to orgasm more and more. For me, it was a head game. I just had to learn to relax and although an orgasm is the ultimate feeling from sex, I stopped using it as an ultimate goal in my head during sex. Just gotta go with the flow.

[JonDoe]

Was there arousal early in your previous relationship? If so, think back to what brought on the arousal. Was it sights, sounds, smells, acts of kindness, a full moon? Routine and habit can be a turn off for some people. Perhaps try buying some scented candles, new lingerie or a new toy.

Are you or your partner placing too much importance on reaching orgasm? This can cause undue stress and prevent either of you from relaxing and fully enjoying the experience, this perpetuating the issue.

Many women do not reach orgasm through penetration alone. Try reading the book "She Comes First", and share it with your current partner. For me, 80% of the pleasure comes from knowing that I please my partner. So even though your partner may ejaculate, he may not be pleased either. Have you tried to openly communicate with your partner? If and when you do, keep the conversation about needs and desires, yours and his, and by all means refrain from conversation that appears to point blame. Saying things like "You never bring me to orgasms", might deliver a crushing blow to his ego, even if that wasn't your intention.

Good luck!