[Agony_Aunt]

Ok, I know it's bad enough faking it in the first place, and then I go and tell him, But..

One night after we had made love, he commented and said "You were very quick tonight, usually you take a while". Which I do, he usually has to wait on me.
But anyway, he asked me then if I had faked it because it happened quicker than usual, I hadn't faked it. I told him No, and that I was just very turned on, we had done a lot of fore play and kissing and messing before we made love.

I know that as a woman my moods for sex can change every time. Sometimes it will take longer for me to get aroused and other times it won't.

But conversation carried on, and he got around to asking me if I had ever faked it with him. I told him, I'm going to be honest and I said I had faked it once. He was a bit stunned and asked why I did. I told him I knew it just wasn't going to happen for me, so to spare the feeling of him thinking he couldn't give me an orgasm, I faked it.

He said knowing that now made him feel pretty bad and that he then wished he hadn't asked in the first place.

I had told him previously that with other partners, I had never had an orgasm through sex or oral with them, and that at one stage I thought I was one of those women who just couldn't have orgasms.

I then found out and realised I could have orgasms, but only with someone who I have a real true emotional connection with. This is why I consider myself to have only made love and never had sex.

I had told him also that the sex with other partners wasn't great, and I more or less wasn't getting anything from it so I started to dislike sex.

He thinks now that I may have faked it on more than one occasion.

I tried to explain that, at the start of our relationship I told him I wanted to wait, leave sex out of it and get to know him as a person first. He didn't know at the time I was doing that to see if he was someone I could have an emotional connection and bond with, someone I would develop feelings for.
As time went by, I did develop feelings for him, strong ones, and I fell in love with him.
The first time we made love, I had an orgasm.

I'm just trying to give back ground info here on why he thinks I faked it more than once, apart from me telling him I did.


Can anybody give me some advice on how I can reassure him about this? I feel that every time we make love, he's doubting if it really happened for me, and I can see it becoming a big problem if it doesn't get resolved.

[jns]

Ask him, "If I was going to lie to you why would I have not lied and told you that I never faked an orgasm."

A guy may suspect that more than one orgasm was faked due to the number of stories out there about women faking orgasm. After all, it is much harder for a guy to determine if his gf has orgasmed than for her to determine if he has as long as he has ejaculated.

Instead of giving him a logical explanation as to why you faked it, you could give him an emotional response that includes how sorry you are that you did that. It is somewhat manipulative, but most guys don't process emotional arguments well or even correctly. The emotion will convey how sorry you are about doing that.

He may not understand how strong the emotional connection can be in getting you over the peak if his way over the peak is sensation and visual images. Some guys connect strongly that way, but some do not.

Some people cannot handle the truth. You may have to be careful about what you say in the future. If I was him, I would use the good communications that you two have to become an even better lover. And I would try to be the person my lover could always be truthful with, no matter how painful the subject.

[Agony_Aunt]

Thanks for the reply Jns,

I would rather have been truthful with him and not lie when he asked me.

I also guess is ego was hurt a little bit it too because he did ask, "Was it that bad, that you had to fake it to just get it over and done with?"

I have explained that it was just that time that I knew it just wasn't going to happen.

There had been other times where I'd told him it wasn't going to happen for me and he was fine with that, I guess he's probably just wondering why I did fake it that one time.
And for for me, after I did, I realised myself that I'm better off just telling him it's not happening, rather than fake it.

With other partner's that I never orgasmed with, I'll admit I did fake it quite a few times. But I really only did it to spare their feelings.

[Ashlee T.]

He needs to get over the ego trip. Sex isn't all about ego or "how well you do". So you faked it to spare him the pointless effort at the time and you admitted it because HE ASKED, and now he's pouting about it? He needs to get over it girl...seriously. I can understand when you're in a committed exclusive relationship in which you've developed trust, that you wouldn't like it if your partner faked it because you'd rather know that you needed to change what you were doing. But we're talking one time here, not "oh yeah, I fake it all the time". He needs to get over it.

[Nholland]

I think he just wants reassurance so just continue tongive it to him and Tell him you won't fake it again since it bothers him so much.

[Hopeless Dork]

Faking it is always a bad idea. Most of the time I'm ready for "mine" lol.. but there are some nights when its just not going to happen for me, my minds pre-occupied or im just not feeling sexy... and if he's down on me and I know its a waste of his energy.. I'll pull him up and kiss him and we don't even need to talk about it. If we're having sex, and I can tell he's waiting on me.. I'll say something "encouraging" letting him know there is no need to wait. Again, there is no big discussion over it, no hard feelings.

For 90 percent of the time, I get my orgasm. On the times I don't.. what he is doing is not the issue and he knows good and well he knows how to get me off so he knows its just not being in the right frame of mind so he never takes it personally.

Faking it, is first a foremost a deception. Second, it can worsten future sexual experiences because they think they can do the same things and yeild similiar results and then you can build up a constant cycle of having to pretend to be enjoying something you're not.

Third, when you experience authentic orgasms with your partner, they learn exactly what it feels like for you to do so.. which can BETTER future sexual experiences. When those encounters are tainted with theatrics no one wins.

The hard part in your situation is if your faked orgasm was as believable as your authentic ones... he will have to wonder all the time if that was a true one, or just you 'being nice'. Since we all make mistakes, and you can't re-write the past, best to just have a conversation and promise to be sexually open and honest going forward.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

AA.

Logic tells me, you "had" to fake them in the past, always...

Now you are in the present, and through love, you have learnt that you can actually orgasm and it's because of him.

Any habit can accidently come back as our brain remembers after all doesn't it?

[Agony_Aunt]

Thanks for all the helpful replies

I've spoken with him more about it, and I told him I wanted to know how he felt and what he was thinking after I had told him I faked it once.

He told me he was actually a bit baffled why I'd faked it once, yet there was other times when I told him that it wasn't happening.

And like HD explained herself, there has been times where in my own way I'd let him know not to wait for me. And even wouldn't take it personally either, he understands. So I guess now I understand why he's a bit confused as to why I faked it rather than just let him know it wasn't happening for me, like I have done on other ocassions.

It was early in the sexual stages of the relationship when I faked it. It was actually the first time that I knew it wasn't going to happen.

So like CW said, it was just like the bad habit returning. The first sign of it not happening I thought to myself "Hmmm, okay, gotta fake this one".
Which I know was wrong.

And ever since that time, I've always told him then if it wasn't happening for me.

When I look at it now, it was kind of force of habit from past experiences, but I wasn't happy doing that then, and I'm sure as **** not going to start doing it now, especially when I don't even need to.

I've explained to him about my past with orgasms and he understands that. (Actually had quite a chuffed look on his face when he realised he's the only man to ever make me orgasm).
I've apologised to him also and talked it through with him and now he realises I didn't do it because I wasn't enjoying it, that was what he had initially thought in the first place too.

I've agreed that in future I will continue to let him know if it's not gonna happen, and I've promised myself not to fall in to any old habits.

And we both agreed that as long as we can keep the lines of communication open, there shouldn't be any problems.