[5cents]

Been with my girlfriend for a year. The sex has always been Pretty vanilla. It took a few months for her to even allow me to touch her vagina. She has always viewed the sex as a chore, never looked at it as something fun or intimate. I've even taken her to a sex therapist to try and find a balance between us. I am very sexual so this has been our only constant issue. We get along perfectly otherwise. She says she can't have sex at night because she is too tired, not just as its about to happen. But she put this out as a disclaimer. I've tried everything to try and get her to open up to me. I've come to the conclusion that she either has a low drive, or just isn't attracted to me. For example, we had 2 nights in a row without the kids, and the one time we has sex she had her head turned, eyes shut, and never made a sound. I felt horrible even doing it. The occasions we do have sex, she does have an orgasm every time, and no it's not fake. I'm ready to leave this relationship because I feel totally unwanted by her. I do the laundry, I clean, I cook, I express how much I love her constantly. I've tried everything and am ready to bail. Any opinions?

[DreamP346]

If your partner thinks sex is a chore, she will never learn to enjoy it. Maybe its time to see a different sex therapist. They are not all the same and you need to find somebody who your gf feels comfortable with. There will be sessions with both of you together and some solo. Check the AASECT website for a certified sex therapist in your area. Don't expect the issue to resolve in a few sessions. My profession (who is a renown sex therapist) says she takes 4 sessions just to do the evaluation - no actual therapy. Only after that will the therapy actually begin.

Some people just don't enjoy sex. Does you gf enjoy other stuff like foreplay, cuddling, oral, kissing, etc?

the other thing you have to ask yourself, if this does not change, is can you be in a relationship where she views sex as a chore. It will not get better. Would she allow an open relationship. Would you get happy getting your love from her but the sex from somewhere else?

[notlikethenormal]

Have you tried focusing on her pleasure? Showing her that when you see her being pleasured its a turn on for you?

Sounds like the intimate aspect is really what you're needing, on top of the release and physical pleasure.

[ItsASecret]

For example, we had 2 nights in a row without the kids, and the one time we has sex she had her head turned, eyes shut, and never made a sound. I felt horrible even doing it.

Some women are just like that and do not show too much outward expression. Just like some women may be bouncing around, screaming, flailing, throwing their head around to make their hair swoosh, dirty talk, extreme expression...etc there are also women who do not make a peep, do not make eye contact, do not flail, do not move around excessively etc. It may simply be her personality and only you would know if she is the more quiet type and hence more likely to be quiet in the bedroom.

[x.st.angel.x]

Has she had any bad experiences in the past? That may be a factor. Do you know what her previous sex life has been like? The answers to those questions may be able to give you more insight.

Good luck
-SAint

[LilahX]

This isn't something that is going to change unfortunately. Is she willing to really talk about it, and not just say 'I'm too tired'? Does she know it makes you feel unwanted and unloved? A talk where you both put your thoughts and feelings out there is in order.

As mentioned above, I totally agree that if it becomes apparent that things won't change and she'd be happier without sex at all is she prepared for you to get that aspect of your r/ship elsewhere? Not many women would be that understanding, but personally I think it's only fair.

Good luck!

[jns]

She has always viewed the sex as a chore, never looked at it as something fun or intimate.

I do the laundry, I clean, I cook, I express how much I love her constantly.

In a way you are comparing sex to a chore, too. You are listing chores that she would do or that would be shared and are doing them completely. You didn't list some other chores such as taking out the trash or maintaining the house, the yard and the vehicles, but you did mention those ones. IMO, you mentioned them because you think that by doing them, your gf will be more in love with you and therefore "want" sex with you. I have seen posts in quite a number of threads here where the guys were doing the same thing in relationships where the SOs was uninterested in sex. It never works and I believe the SOs see through the smoke and call it for what it is, equating sex to one or more chores. If you want to do those chores all by yourself, fine, but don't consider them a way to get her to "want" sex with you. Don't even bring them up in a conversation as what you say will be misunderstood.

[brightceci]

Other than low sex drive, there might be some other underlining issues. You might think everything else is fine between the two of you, she might think otherwise. The relationship has only been a year, but according to you it sounded like 10 years marriage! First of all, why is it a girlfriend, but not wife? Do you know for a fact that she doesn't care about you proposing and make it official? Not all woman cares about the whole marriage and commitment thing but a lot of them do after a while living together. Ask her right out about that.

You mentioned about kids, do they belongs to both of you? Does she take care of them most of the time or it is an equal share between both of you? Equal share is difficult to definite, talk to her about that.

You also mention about chores.... as jns said... doing chores and having sex for woman are totally two different thing... don't think that by doing chores you therefore have more scores and therefore deserve more sex. It is given that chores should be equally shared, and the definition of equal again is hard to say. e.g. if you are strong enough to mow the lawn and fix the house while she take care of the dishes and make meals... like taking care of the kids, does the expectation somehow has anything to do with who earns the most money?

Is she on the birth control pills or some other kind of birth control? That might affect her sex drive and emotion too. Have you try to ask her about her well being, her health issues, and what's bothering her? Most of all, is there anything in the relationship she is not happy about?

Btw... if whatever you attempt to do gives an impression that you are trying to fix her... it is going to be a big turn OFF.
You also said you take her to the sex therapist, instead of both of you agree to go to sex therapy... maybe it is not a 'sex therapy' she needs. Maybe a relationship counselor or marriage counselor will help? At least that shows that you are trying to find out how to make the relationship better WITH her.

Have you told her that you feel unloved and unwanted by her, if you did how did she react to it?