[JonDoe]

Maybe try sharing some of yours and see if she will open up.

I have shared a few basic fantasies. She maintains that she "really doesn't have any fantasies".

I've never displayed a jealous side. We watched porn together once, a very long time ago, but she said watching other people did nothing for her. Just like she said giving me oral or a hand job does nothing for her, and we have established that it is all about her.

She maintains that she has to concentrate while masturbating, and that she is not thinking about anyone or anything other than reaching orgasm. I just can't wrap my head around the idea of NEVER thinking about someone or something during sex or while masturbating because it seems so robotic, unhuman, asexual. Sure I understand the whole idea of being in the moment too. I simply may never get a straight answer or understand.

[ItsASecret]

I can say I am a woman without fantasies if a person defines a fantasy as something overtly sexual and out of the box like so many do. Actors have no effect on me in an uncontrollable "oh my God he is sooooo hot oh my GODDDDDDDDDD" way, remaking a porn scene definitely has no effect on me, I have zero interest in doing it with a group of people so no threesomes or orgies ever cross my mind, and I do not think of doing some guy I see on the street because my bf is the only guy I care about. If anything my only "fantasy" involves having sex infront of the fireplace in the winter which we have done, and also wearing leggings and a garter belt which I find I like to do now. I also think of very little when I masturbate I just think of what we have done during sex before and concentrate on the feelings happening, never another guy, never a woman, never porn, never some performance act of role playing...nothing other than what we have done before on any given day. That is just how I do it.

A lot of people will say "what is your fantasy" and expect some very specific drawn out situation like something involving two days of prep and six hours of sex, maybe they will say something out of the box like being hit with a salmon across the face, maybe a person will say they want a gang bang on a roof top while wearing a clown costume...just generally something like "oh wow really?" and instead a person may say something like "uh sex in front of the fire place". A fantasy does not need to be something extreme or overt or wow factor, it does not need to be something that someone else has because they hear a lot of people also share the fantasy it does not need to be a famous individual simply because that is a popular thing to do...a fantasy is an individual thing and a woman may want something very basic but consider it not a fantasy simply because it is so basic. Sex in front of the fireplace at night is still a fantasy even if it is nothing wow or "oh my God"...a woman may feel embarrassed to say it simply because it is not what her partner may think a fantasy should be and as a result be labelled as "boring". Maybe your wife is the same way, wants a simple non-elaborate fantasy but hardly considers it a fantasy because it is so plain and simple so she does not want to say anything. I know I felt kinda pathetic when I told my bf that the only fantasy I have ever been able to come up with has been infront of the fireplace. He thinks fantasies are extreme and follow a general pattern of threesomes and outdoor sex but I am simply not like that. I can safely say I have no interest in acting during sex so role playing has never appealed to me, threesomes gross me out (I do not judge those that do I simply want nothing to do with it), I am too much of a realist of potentially getting caught by the cops or others while having sex outside so that does not appeal to me, the actors I can find attractive but I do not find myself fantasizing about them so that doesn't work, there are no toys that make me go "oh wow I want that", if nothing appeals to even a small extent then it is not explored...why force a feeling to something that is simply not there even a bit initially?

[JonDoe]

"I don't really ever masturbate."
"I don't really have any fantasies."

These are two things my wife claimed to be true for 24 years. This was her exact response anytime I brought up either subject in conversation. I always felt that she was being dishonest with me. I never felt a reason to distrust her otherwise, but the word really made me think that subconsciously she was trying to persuade or convince me to believe what she knew was not the truth.

I've known for most of our marriage that she masturbates because I have walked in the room several times over the years. She didn't know I was there, I left the room and never brought it up until recently. I thought respecting her privacy was the right thing to do. However, we had a long talk the other day, and I decided to explain how this dishonesty affects me. She admitted that she does masturbate and have fantasies, and felt that all fantasies should be kept private. Naturally, I told her that fantasies can be shared, and I respect her wish to keep some private, but dishonesty only creates problems in a relationship.

Afterwards, she shared a very common female fantasy. I shared a fantasy too.

I genuinely feel relieved that she finally told the truth and that we were able to communicate, but I am left wondering "Why?" I'm also left with an uneasy feeling that she was so easily dishonest with me and that perhaps she has been dishonest in other ways that I completely missed. I also find that I am thinking harder about her choice of words so I don't miss the hidden meaning.

I really don't like this uneasy feeling.

[time2discover]

I'll give it to you from a woman's point of view about the same age as your wife.

This was not a typical dishonest situation. Some people want to tell their fantasies to others and see how they react or maybe just get their point of view on them.

But other women, like me, consider a fantasy something intimate and personal especially when it comes to masturbating. If other people knew my thoughts at that moment, for me, the fantasy would be gone.

New things to try as a couple, for me are not technically fantasies, but new adventures to wanna try out together.

Maybe your wife thinks like me and prefers to preserve the "fantasy". Once you say it it becomes real. Get it?

By the way, just one woman's opinion!

[Alex HPS]

I think that any sentient being with a libido and an imagination must have fantasies simply by definition.

I think some people assume that it has to be kinky or extreme to qualify as a 'fantasy', but technically, the term just means 'imaginary scenario' and in this case means 'imaginary scenario with sexual overtones or overt sexuality'.

Sounds like she certainly does have them, just like she does masturbate, but for some reason she is not comfortable sharing. However since you state that she is a selfish lover, this should not really be a surprise. Some children just cannot share their toys

Oh and since the reality never matches the fantasy (well, not in my experience, except once where it completely blew it - and me - out of the water), she possibly feels like she wants to keep her fantasies private in case you suggest living them out at which point they might be ruined for her.

Some people have really extreme fantasies that they would NEVER dream of acting out. But the fact that they get turned on by such 'dirty' thoughts can seem perverse, so they don't ever want to verbalise them. In other words they don't want to be judged by their fantasies.

You sound like a patient man, so eventually you should get through her defences. Perhaps you should 'perv up' your own fantasies a bit and make them more extreme, just so you can tell her about them. Then, if she's worried about you judging her, she'll be reassured that your fantasies are darker than hers... but don't go overboard, haha.

Alex

[rcoreyus]

My wife also won't tell me her fantasies and won't tell me what she wants in bed. I begin almost every lovemaking session by asking if there is anything particular she feels like tonight - the most I ever get is something to the effect of "maybe start with a backrub" - which I am happy to do, but not really what I was asking. She enjoys toys, but won't help me pick them - even online, and even seems to have difficulty letting me know what she enjoys - though she does enjoy a lot of things.

She almost never asks me what I want, and I wonder if it is because she knows that there are some things I like that she doesn't want to do - oral in particular. Maybe she feels that she tells me what she wants and I do it, she somehow owes me the same. Its not true: I enjoy doing all sorts of things for her, I don't need something in trade. (I've told here this, but I don't think she believes me).

Maybe fantasies are the same - she knows that I would be happy to act out any fantasy that she is likely to have, but she knows that she wouldn't be willing to do the same.

I'm not going to push anything, our sex life is so much better this year than it was for the previous 25 and I don't want to endanger that.

[Bladyn'smommy16]

rcoreyus Your wife sounds like she's shy in bed I'm like her too she probably feels embarrassed about it. And that's why she won't tell you

[time2discover]

rcoreyus, maybe find her a forum like this for her to go see on her own. I know that reading other women's opinions, on these forums, made me realise that I shouldn't feel embarassed and that I was losing out on alot.

Just an idea!

(P.S. I still believe that fantasies are personal but what you want in bed is to be discovered together.)

[JonDoe]

Wanting to keep fantasies private and being dishonest and saying she doesn't have them are completely different in my opinion. My issue is primarily with open and honest communication.

Rcoreyus, if not for wanting to remain completely anonymous, I would suggest that we meet for a beer. Your last post is nearly identical to my marriage, even the timespan, except my wife never asks what I want and she doesn't like toys.

[Bladyn'smommy16]

Actually Jondoe, I don't think she's being dishonest I just think she's embarrassed. Yes those are too different things but your suggesting she isn't telling him because she's got something she's hiding which that doesn't sound like the case.