[haliyo]

Heya,
I'm a bit apprehensive about posting this here as it doesn't seem like a particularly open forum to the gay/bi scene? But I'd like your opinions/advice on something that has been bugging me for a while now?
In this thread: link I talked about my relationship with my new boyfriend. Basically I am 21 and this is my first relationship? I'm pretty scared of sex, namely the man-junk aspect of it, and my boyfriend is also my first male friend. One of the issues I have is that I have very particular interests and tastes (non-sexual) and he is the only guy I have met who is into quite so many similar things. He is practically the male-version of me, it's great. However although he has great taste in clothing etc, physically he is not attractive.
I am quite tall and wear a lot of waistcoats and things like that? My best friend is very clingy and we happily describe our relationship as 'as gay as you can be without actually being gay' and I would want it no other way. I don't fantasize about her sexually, our friendship is very strong and pure and I would have it no other way. However I don't deny that I enjoy being in that position in a relationship? I suppose the seme, or the 'man.'
I suppose I fantasize about men when I masturbate, but in any case I more fantasize about the character /I/ am, rather than my partner.
My boyfriend is not particularly manly so eh... I have been wondering if a female close friendship with sexual aspects would suit me better, and if I would feel more comfortable? However the only lesbians I know have been... quite annoying? And moany and angsty... >_< Massive generalisation, I know, but I'm just not sure what to do with myself :/ I love femmy guys in manga and anime, but irl they need to man the **** up and I find it really irritating. I am a very headstrong and healthy person, so to me most people are pretty sickly? Harsh I know, but I can forgive a girl for it a bit more than a guy.
I have one bi friend who is in a long-term relationship with her girlfriend, and although I /could/ discuss this with her... she is pretty annoying. I don't really want to open up that much to her - especially as it would then feel like she knew so much more on this very personal matter of mine than my best friend, whom I share everything with (but not this because I don't want her to feel uncomfortable in OUR relationship.)
Any advice...? I thought about taking this matter to a gay/bi forum, but I wanted less biased opinions?

[jns]

It sounds like you are put off by a man's sex organs, and are more comfortable with women because of the familiarity of a woman's sex organs. Further, it sounds like you want to be the one that leads in a relationship. From your masturbation fantasies, it sounds like you would like a strong, manly man who would let you lead. I think a lot of this will be resolved when you get to the point that you actually start having sex. Then one way or the other way will seem natural.

[DreamP346]

Being young and trying to figure out who you are can be complicated and confusing. As a society, we want to label everything - gay, straight, bi. We want to put everything in nice neat buckets with defined characteristic. We also like staying people are born a certain way and that's the end. But the reality is sexuality is fluid. Things continually changes with time and experience. Don't think of yourself as straight or bi. Think about the type of person you are attracted to. That may be a man or a woman. Think about the person you want to share experiences and sex with regardless of their gender. If you want to explore you feelings, this is definitely the time to do so. Chat on some gay forums with other people. Go out there and meet other gay people. See how you feel. Searching yourself can be a life long process. If you don't get all your answers right away, don't worry about it.

[haliyo]

I am much more comfortable with the thought of having sex with a girl than with a man, but that could just be because of how uncomfortable I am with man-junk rather than actually being sexually attracted to girls :/ HUMPH.
I will take this to shy-bi.com Thanks guys!

[Hugo-B]

Hallyo, you sound like a really quirky and interesting person, I read your other thread but contributed very little since you received better advice from the other members than I could have offered.

From what I've read, I personally don't think you are gay or bi, bi-curious, if anything. You say you masturbate over men and fantasize over women? This is perfectly normal, I've fantasized about performing oral sex on a man, but I've never felt the COMPULSION to go and do it (believe me if I did, I would go an do it), it's easy to confuse the two. There is NOTHING wrong with being gat, please don't think I think there is. Just from what I've read I don't think you are.

It sounds like the closest and most intimate relationships you have cultivated so far in your life have been with women, and you feel most comfortable with and around them, hence the interest in exploring a woman's body as opposed to a man. This all seems perfectly normal to me.

You admitted your BF is not attractive to you, and it sounds like you are 'with' him more for his value as a friend and companion, than as a potential lover, so it's no surprise you're not sexually into him.
Like me when I was younger (I was a late starter) I think you have a very specific idea of what you want in and from a man, and since this can be difficult to find - and because you've waited for it for a respectable amount of time - you've understandably become a bit impatient (not to mention started to feel peer pressure) and started wondering if you'll be able to find it by exploring alternative avenues...

It sounds to me like it is very important to you that your friends, not to mention your potential partner, all possess particular qualities and share certain interests with you which you can relate to, making you feel more comfortable with them and more suited to them. Also, that you would rather have fewer close friends than be part of a larger group made up more of acquaintances, I can relate to this, but it will obviously restrict the number of people you meet; perhaps these circumstances have made women somewhat of a 'plan B' for you since you are meeting more which fulfill your partner 'criteria'.

I have felt like you have, for want of a better expression (there may be one but I don't know it) I call this 'reactive/circumstantial bi-curiosity' I felt like this when I was a virgin who thought he'd never find a GF, I simply wondered whether being gay would be better suited to me since it could yield more fruitful results in terms of sex, and I also felt like this after I split up with my first GF and went through a terrible patch of bad luck with the ladies which spanned an absolutely miserable three years in terms of sexual satisfaction.

I also know that the fear and apprehension of opening up to another person and exploring each others bodies, and having sex can make a person want to stay within the comfort zone of their own gender, since it is a safe and convenient way of shielding yourself from the potential rejection, failure, and humiliation that sexual and romantic encounters with the opposite sex can bring down upon us.

I personally just don't think you've met the right man yet. If you genuinely think you're bi then engage and embrace it, don't repress it and be proud of who you are, just don't mistake desire and fantasy with compulsion, especially if it is a way of you subconsciously stopping yourself from facing up to any fear and apprehension of sex.

Whichever way/s you go, I hope you find satisfaction and fulfillment, oh, and love, and that's where things get really complicated...

P.s typing this reminded me of a lesbian I used to work with who came from a very strict family who wouldn't accept her sexuality so we started devising a plan where I would come round for dinner pretending to be her BF!

[haliyo]

buddhaboy you seem to know me better than myself x3 Thanks for such an eye-opening answer~
My only other love interest I actually turned down (well, kind of broke contact with when I went to uni) after realising I wasn't at all turned on by the idea of being intimate with him irl, and so finding this again with my actual BF? I don't know - I guess it has got me a little frustrated. But in exploring different avenues I hope to at least find some answers - even if they are not "oh ho you were actually bi this whole time!"