[marcsite]

Hi,

Recently married man, we've been together for four years. We're both in good health, fairly fit, have no kids, and are financially sound. We've always had a strong difference of libido's; I'm way hornier. I used to think that her lack of interest in sex was due to stress as the job she had for a large part of our relationship was very stressful. However, she left that job 9 months ago for one that she likes much better and that is far less stressful. Our sex life hasn't changed, though. Now I'm wondering if she just doesn't find me attractive. I've tried being more romantic, cleaning the house, doing all the chores, changing my wardrobe, changing my grooming habits, etc. I've tried ignoring the issue, acting like it's no big deal, just to take pressure off of her. Nothing works. Eventually she'll have sex with me because she feels she must to make me happy, but I know it's pity sex; she's never wet, and never visibly aroused.

It's frustrating. I know I'm not an unattractive guy. I know I'm a giving lover, and I enjoy foreplay. I know that I am not totally inept at sex as I have authentically pleased women in past relationships.

I was gone the last seven days on business. After coming home and talking and eating together, I tried to initiate things by rubbing her neck and kissing her behind the ear, and so on. Nothing! Even after being separated for a week, she was more interested in reading her book!

I know that she's capable of being aroused, however. Every so often, usually when we've had a long dry streak, I'll wake up in the middle of the night and we'll be spooning aggressively or fondling each other. In this state, when we're only half awake, she can get very wet and very aroused, and we can actually have decent sex.

What does this mean? Why can't she be aroused by me when she's awake? Does she have to be half asleep to forget how unattractive I am to her? In that state, am I just a physical stand-in for the guy she's dreaming about?

[DreamP346]

It really sounds like she has hang ups with sex. In the half sleep state, her mind is not really thinking too much to let the hang ups come through. The other thing is that women get aroused several times each night just like men get erections at night.

Are there any issues in your wife's past. Was she brought up religious or told sex was dirty or decent women did not desire sex? Have you talked to her about this?

[marcsite]

We have talked about it. I've been concerned about our sex life for years, and I've tried to be transparent about my feelings. She thinks we talk too much and over think things. I just know there are problems and I want to fix them.
She was brought up religious and conservative, but more in the 'no sex before marriage' sense than in the 'sex is bad' sense. However, she'd had sexual relationships before ours, and she never kept the nature of our premarital relationship from her family.