[vcollier]

Hi Guys,

Me and my boyfriend have been together for just over 2 years. We have just moved into our house together, and our relationship is great. We go out together, but we have time apart so we don't trip over each others feet, but one thing has dissipated, our sex life.

We've always had a good sexual relationship, running away from parties or leaving the pub for a quick one and running back afterwards, spontaneous sex, but recently, it's all gone.

He never initiates sex any more, and when I try to he huffs and makes excuses not to. We're in our early 20's, but we have the sex life of an old married couple. We used to have sex almost everyday, but now I'm lucky if i get it once a fortnight. I've tried everything, suspenders, toys, being romantic, i've tried to talk to him but he laughs it off, saying things like 'oh the nympho stikes again'. We have a great realationship otherwise, we go out for supper all the time, make time to spend together, we're always laughing and joking. My weight hasn't changed, in fact if anything i've lost weight.

Yesterday I bought some new underwear, and as i got through the door from work I put it on and wondered in the bedroom, tried to initiate sex, and he said no. When i asked him why he said 'well your not exactly making it sexy, are you?' Ouch.

Last time we had sex (last week) It took me ages to convince him, and then when he came around he didn't look at me once. Every time i tried to kiss him he gave me a peck and imediately turned his head away. It was awful, emotionless awful sex.

I'm running out of ideas... I love him , obviously, but i just can't see how we can carry on like this.

It's really, really getting me down. I'm not sure what to do.

[Sunlight72]

Hi V,
a couple of thoughts....

When you moved to this new place, did you move to a new neighborhood or a new town? Did you move away from his friends or family? Did he have to change jobs or something? If so, he could be off-balance and not feeling confident in his life, which could easily through his game off.

Alternatively,
did this change come about when you began planning to move in together or soon after you moved in together? If so, perhaps he is really uncomfortable to have taken this step toward commitment. I don't know how you could help change that if this is the cause of the problem, unless you are willing to go back to living separately and dating less seriously (but seek other opinions. I don't have a good solution, but someone else does).

From what you have written, it sounds like you have been doing the right kind of things to open the way for a closer relationship and your boyfriend isn't interested. I don't get the impression that you are the cause of the problem though.

That is a very hard place to be. If it's been like this for less than 10 weeks, I'd really encourage you to try talking to him, or (if possible without making it get weird) ask one of his friends or a family member. It's unlikely they'll talk to you candidly unless you already have a bit of a talking relationship with them, but that's the only other avenue I can think of.

If you have a comfortable talking relationship with one of his friends, and you express your confusion and concern (hopefully without sounding too controlling) even if they don't know the cause, they will likely mention it to him if they actually care about his future with you, and that might get your boyfriend talking (or it might make him angry. I don't know the guy).

If it's been like this over about 3 months, I'm sorry to say it, but I would think it's time to start considering ending the relationship and moving out. I say this because you write that you have tried talking to him and he is not responsive. He is living something in his head or in his heart that you are not invited to share, but he is not telling you what or why.

Just my thoughts...

[Sunlight72]

Oh V,
please disregard what I mentioned about breaking up. I don't have enough information to recommend that.

And I thought of something else...

Years ago, after I'd been in the military reserve for about 2 years a friend pointed out to me that I had a habit of becoming a jerk a few days before my monthly training weekend. I had completely missed that fact, but she was right. I didn't even realize how much I disliked that job, but when she called me on it I soon saw that she understood something I hadn't figured out.

We tend to think that we all have reasons for behaving the way we do or for changing our behavior, but truthfully we don't always realize it ourselves.

What I'm saying here is that you shouldn't necessarily believe that your boyfriend is keeping his reason(s) for pulling back from you a secret on purpose. He may or may not realize what he is doing or why he is doing it. If he is off-balance or stressed about a new higher rent, about a new job, about moving away from familiar surroundings, or now feeling that he has to take care of you and him (even if he doesn't know he feels this way, or you tell him it's OK), it could cause real changes in his behavior that he doesn't understand.

I don't know. It's just another thought.