[Sam1988]

Hello everyone!

So...I am 23 and I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years now. We have had an amazing relationship so far, inasmuch as he has truly become my bestest of friends. Problem is, our relationship (and my emotional stability) have been recently threatened by my lack of sex drive. To put things into perspective, a couple of chronological facts:

- Until a couple of years ago, I was the horniest of them all and I enjoyed good, healthy, frequent sex with little or no hesitation to try out new stuff, experience, and make both of us feel good and happy.

- Two years ago I went through an abortion; not something I like to talk about, however I should say that at the time it (bizzarely) didn't feel like the end of the world. I didn't take it light-heartedly, but I had a few good friends and my boyfriend around to help me see things in as positive a light as someone can see things when they are going through such an experience.

- Following the procedure, I had an IUD copper implant inserted. This was recommended to me as the most suitable contraceptive option for me: I had a history of not getting on with condoms very well and I was scared of going on a pill (due to weight consciousness reasons).

- Following this, I was OK for a few months but then the implant became a right pain! I had 3-week periods, immense pain during sex, and other non-relevant issues such as eye bags, spots and other such things that make a woman feel ugly and undesirable.

- So I started noticing a massive decrease in my sex drive. The mere thought of having to go through the entire process used to petrify me. I began making excuses, turning him down when he would make a move. I would get angry with him when he wouldn't get me, when he would carry on. I would think he doesn't get it, that he's selfish, that he cannot read me at all.

- I admit it came with the stresses associated with moving to a new city, having our first place together, enrolling in a demanding masters degree, and then struggling with finding a job. And most of the times it was tiredness. But other times (the scariest of times) it was pure terror of sex (due of course to the pain I was in) and lack of energy.

- So the IUD came out about 6 months ago. And in came the combined pill. I honestly thought that my life would change dramatically and that my sex drive would naturally come back. I stopped having ling periods (now I hardly have any at all), the pain during sex went away, and I even went through a very brief period when I thought the old horny-and-happy-in-love-me was back!

Well, I was wrong. My libido remains hidden somewhere else and I just don't find the resources to dig it out. This has recently brought a great deal of unhappiness to both myself and my boyfriend. It also takes place at a time when I am doubting everything: my feelings for him (is he more than just my best friend? where is the passion?), his for me (is he staying just cos it's too complicated to go?) and I am becoming unsure whether one caused the other (the lack of libido caused the doubting) or vice versa (the doubting and worries have amplified the lack of libido). I have no one to talk to as I'm not very good at staying in touch with friends. And even if that wasn't the case, I just find it PAINFULLY difficult to come out of my shell and express myself. I have developed this fear as a teenager - fear of sounding dramatic or exaggerated - so I do not share any of this with anyone; except for here, anonymously.

Nevertheless, my boyfriend and I have discussed the problems numerous times. Most recently, he told me that he feels that he can't even kiss me anymore because I sort of turn away to avoid him getting aroused and wanting to make a move. That is true. I can't bear making excuses anymore, so I just pretend I don't notice his intentions so that I don't feel guilty. I feel like I am wasting his time. We cannot have a conversation about our relationship anymore without me bursting into tears, feeling helpless and completely defeated.

All of these in the context of me planning to marry the guy one day and now thinking I don't want a marriage where we can't have sex.

I am sure other people have gone through this. I suppose I just need to hear that there's a way out and that my (sexual) life is not over at 23, that I will feel truly horny again and that I can (if I so chose) marry the guy and bring some passion into our relationship! I am thinking of trying out therapy, but not sure where in the NHS system (yes, I live in the UK) to start. My experiences so far with GPs has been relatively awkward and most of the times I tried to instigate a sex-related conversation I've been more or less dismissed. Can anyone help with some advice? Would yoga/meditation help? Any miracle supplements, or wonder foods out there?

Thanks for reading!


Peace
Sam

[jns]

General Practitioners have relatively little training in anything related to sex, so it is not surprising that they couldn't answer your questions. You need someone specialized in gynecology to even start to have an understanding of what is going on. Amongst other tests, they could check your hormone levels.

Its possible your libido is impacted by the hormones used for birth control. Could you go back to condoms? What were the problems associated with them? If you could go back, it is possible that your libido could return.

There could also be psychological problems associated with the abortion. Having an abortion is a big decision and at the end of the day you were the one who had to make that decision. Maybe therapy or counseling would help. It might also help in not seeing your bf as selfish or uncaring. Once you got those ideas in your mind, they could be playing a part in your lack of a libido. In his defense, your lack of a libido caused his high libido to get completely neglected. Logical arguments usually don't have a lot of impact on hormonal driven issues.

Were you hiding the pain you were feeling? If so, he may have not really been aware of it because he never saw you showing the pain. Can you truly forgive him? How do you plan on dealing with his libido? As it is now, it sounds like the two of you are sexually incompatible.

[Sam1988]

Hey JNS, and thanks for your reply. With regards to what you suggested about me considering him selfish, I should have made it clear that that was just a phase I went through when I first experienced this decrease in libido - not being fully aware of what was happening, I was feeling pushed and misunderstood. At the moment, if anything, I feel I'm letting HIM down. We have talked about everything - the pain before, my (and his) feelings now. There are of course frustrations on both sides and I am sure his desires being neglected is probably most so. Nevertheless everything is in the open between us and by no means do I blame him of anything at this point. (If that was the case, I don't even think there would have been a need for me to come here and ask for advice).

I can see where you're coming from suggesting that we are sexually incompatible - it has crossed my mind a few times, as you can imagine. But putting that in balance with the amazing sex life we had a while ago and with our strong feelings for each other (which stay despite everything that has happened recently) makes me wonder where I stand.

Thanks any

[WannaBee]

Hi Sam,

I think it is a very positive sign, that you are finally starting to open up and that you are actively looking for help.

However, I would wager, that you are looking for deeper insights, that random strangers on the Internet can provide, which know very little about you/your SO/your personality.
Living in a country with free health care I would suggest that you take full advantage of the system.
Don't be afraid or too proud asking for help, when you need it. These people are trained and committed to helping people in your situation.

It might take some time before you find some sex therapist or psychologist, which is able to help you. Maybe you work your problems out before you find that person. However, if you don't go looking for help, then it is very unlikely that help will simply materialize.

On a lighter note: If you are still uncomfortable with him initiating intimacy, try to initiate smaller acts yourself. Maybe, you want to give him a back massage, where he is lying face down on the bed. Thus, You are in total control and you go as far as you like, whenever you like.

[Peacheskreme]

Had the same problem minus some of the things you went through, but many different stressors.
I went to a sex therapist.
She said to do my homework. To pleasure myself everyday even if I have to force myself. Watch porn or think of lovely things.
I have to admit that when I do my "homework" I do feel a bit better in the libido end of it.
I also feel like my husband deserves more than just to be denied all the time.
He understands and is extremely frustrated.
If you want to talk further send me a message.

[cupcake87]

Had the same problem minus some of the things you went through, but many different stressors.
I went to a sex therapist.
She said to do my homework. To pleasure myself everyday even if I have to force myself. Watch porn or think of lovely things.
I have to admit that when I do my "homework" I do feel a bit better in the libido end of it.
I also feel like my husband deserves more than just to be denied all the time.
He understands and is extremely frustrated.
If you want to talk further send me a message.

Im 25 and have the same issue too. However I also think part of it is because its always so painful for me during, so I dont enjoy it as much. What other things did your therapist reccommend. I am dealing with a very frustrated man now and its affecting our relationship. Just like Sam, our relationship is more like best buddies and due to lack of intimacy its straining the relationship. Once this gets fixed, everything would be dandy.

[confundida]

I am going through something similar and actually registered so I could get some insight. I'm actually the same age as you and while I haven't gone through something as difficult as you have, my libido has been gone for almost 6 years now! I also used to want sex all the time and then my libido just disappeared, I never could bring myself to telly my then boyfriend or anyone really, as it is quite embarrassing.

Anyway, back when this started, I got a depressive bout. I had never in my life experienced depression, just had the blues every once in a while as everyone, but never actual depression. I wasn't diagnosed, but my mood changed so much that it was hard to ignore. I felt numb, in general, I didn't feel joy in activities I once loved, I didn't feel I was in love with my boyfriend, I didn't want to have sex, and even sad things made me indifferent. I questioned everything, especially my feelings for my boyfriend, since one day I was on top of the world, happy and in love with him, and then suddenly I felt "nothing". Then after a couple months I thought I was getting better, but frankly, I've never felt like myself again, despite the fact now I can function well and don't really feel "dead inside" anymore, but I also don't feel like I'm at mu full potential if that makes any sense.

Anyway, the point of this is that depression can be silent, and you may not even notice that you are depressed. Maybe your abortion caused some state of mild depression, or maybe it was something else, but I'm quite sure that the depression might have caused this for me. Emotional health is tricky and can be tied to so much! I'm still looking for answers, as I don't know what might have made my libido go away. As a matter of fact, last year there was a point in which I went to a camping trip and those days I was so relaxed, I enjoyed myself so much and I got it on with a guy and my libido made an appearance! Not by much, but I felt aroused again, like I said I was in an extremely good mood, very relaxed, but then when I came back to "reality" it all went back to no sex drive.

So maybe look into your emotional health, as I feel it can be crucial. Other than that, I agree you should go to a gynecologist and ask to get your hormones checked, as any imbalance - even a tiny one - can cause sex drive to plummet. You will have to really push for it though, because some doctors are very reluctant to taking tests they deem "unnecessary", but the truth is they don't know what it feels like so we just have to speak up... I still haven't but I'm thinking it's high time I do. It's been too long and this doesn't feel natural for me.

Good luck!! I hope you can figure this out because I totally get what it feels like!