[randomgirl]

I am in a relationship with a guy who has kids from a previous relationship. He was with her for 7 years and was single for about a year before we got together. We've been engaged for just over a year and I'm starting to get a little concerned. Our sex life earlier in our relationship was wonderful sex at least every couple days, but lately it's just miserable. He'll maybe initiate once a month if I'm lucky. And usually when he does it's a day or two after I try to talk to him about it like he's just trying to pacify me. So it feels completely empty. Sometimes he responds when I initiate, but the same sort of thing, it's after I've tried a few times and it just feels like he's trying to pacify me. Most of the time when I try to initiate he'll just ignore me and then get up and leave or he'll get angry with me for having the audacity to try for it when he's so tired, or whatever the inconvenience of the time is. I have tried sitting down and talking to him about it a few times, and if he stays calm enough to actually respond coherently, he always seems to have a different reason as to why. I've asked him if he's no longer attracted to me and he says that he is. We've touched on the possibility of it being a medical issue but he won't even see a doctor if he thinks he's broken a bone and flat out refuses to go for this. He still seems to have some kind of sex drive, he watches porn fairly regularly on his admission. We have tried counseling but as soon as the counselor says something he doesn't want to hear he shuts down and says we shouldn't go and nothing gets through to him so there's no point going back. He has told me that he has interest in some kinky stuff, and I've told him I'm willing to try some stuff for his sake, but I know nothing about anything like that, and even if I offer to try he doesn't seem up for it even though he's told me it's what he wanted. It's just a lot of mixed signals, the most glaring of which is when he said we needed to have sex more frequently so that he could last longer, then rejected all my subsequent attempts to initiate until I gave up trying. Even though he says it's not me, I really feel like it is cause nothing else makes sense. I've even started diet pills to try to become more attractive to him. Is there something I'm missing? Something else I can try? I feel so ugly and angry about it and don't know whether I should keep trying or just give up and mourn the death of my sex life once and for all.

[DreamP346]

Its not you, its him. There is a definite inability to communicate on his part, basically shutting down to avoid opening up his real feelings. Its clearly evidenced by his inability to have a calm, mature conversation with you or with a counselor. I would venture to guess that he has some fairly extreme kinky desires but is afraid or embarrased to tell you what they are. Do you know what type of porn he is watching?

[jns]

It sounds like he is emotionally unavailable. If he gets emotionally involved with you, he could get hurt as what probably happened with previous relationship. His need for sexual release is being fulfilled by masturbation. You are fulfilling the other parts of a relationship. If he has custody, you could be fulfilling a mother role for his children. It does not sound like he is giving his all for this relationship. Are you sure you want to go on like this? I would consider breaking the engagement if he does not go to counseling and give it a fair shot.

Does he ejaculate quickly when you two have sex? What does he consider kinky? Anything other than missionary position? Oral sex? What?

[randomgirl]

sp: I don't know what he watches regularily, what he owns of dvds is eclectic, from vintage to hentai. And I have sat down and talked him him about it, tried to make it very clear that I would listen to what he wanted. I did say that I couldn't guarantee that I would be up for everything he's into, but I would at least listen and not judge him.

jns: Sometimes he does sometimes he doesn't it depends if he's been masturbating a lot then he lasts longer. The only thing I know for sure is he's into light bondage, that he doesn't really prefer dom or sub that both are fun to him, but when I offer to give it a try he says not to worry about it. Yeah we did more than just missionary, but he's not very big so we're pretty limited (not that I've ever said that to him).

[Element]

My personal thought on this is to buy some rope, set it on the bed and bring him in to the bedroom. Tell him that he can use it any way that he wants. If he turns it down, then he's just not going to have a sex life with you. And I highly suggest not marrying him. Unhappiness in the bedroom leads to disaster in a relationship. You are walking into a divorce, or an unhappy ever after.

If he wants to keep secrets, then he can. But for him to sit by and watch the woman he supposedly loves to be hurt by him, well, that's not much of a man. I suggest going blunt on him if he turns it down. If he's not going to give you guys a sex life, what kind of a future does he see with you? Tell him to come clean with you, period. Don't threaten him, just demand that he talks to you. If he won't, remind him that the ONLY WAY a relationship works is with communication. If you aren't worth him being honest with you, if he still out right refuses to have sex with you; what sort of a marriage are you going to have? Don't settle for this guy. Find a good man who will love you, protect you and treat you like a queen.

[randomgirl]

I have tried everything you suggested. It's just really hard for me, I went through a lot of abuse growing up and my previous relationship was incredibly abusive. My fiance was the first one I've been with consensually and he showed me how good it can be. It's like he introduced it to me then ripped it away from me and I can't figure out why, he always talks about his sex drive before me and it doesn't match up with how he is now, he brags to his single friends that he can get it whenever he wants and they can't. I'm scared to leave cause this is the best I've ever had and I'm so tired of fighting to be happy I don't want to end up falling back into my old life if I leave.

[JonDoe]

My heart aches for you! Being denied intimacy by the one you love is very painful and emotionally draining. When this continues for years, despite sharing your pain with your partner, it becomes a form of torture that you live with everyday. In a long term relationship, you may be able to suppress this for a few months or even a few years, but eventually the numbness wears off and the emotional suffering returns to the surface, stronger than ever. Is this how you want to live the rest of your life? Tell yourself everyday that you are worth it and deserve so much better.