[judah6]

I've been dealing with this for about a month now, but I just need someone to kind of vent to. This seems like a very nice forum with great people, so I've chosen to sort of let it all out.

I got married August of last year (yay!) to the man I love more than anything else in the world. He proposed after we'd been dating for about two years, so I was super excited. I was a virgin, and was more than happy for him to be my first when we got married.

The only problem is he has very low self-esteem. He's about 4-5 inches in length when he's aroused, and I think that's a really nice size, it's not terrifying, but it's not too small either. But the problem is he's always thought that he's too small. Recently, the past month, he hasn't even been in the mood for sex. He wants to have sex, but every time we try, he's unable to perform. So it just starts the cycle all over again, he's sad because he can't perform.

I've been trying to hide the fact that I'm sad I can't have sex (I'm one of those women who has a huge sex drive), and it's been frustrating to see him be this way. He doesn't have as big a sex drive as me, and I want to be supportive. I did confront him and ask him if maybe his problem is me, I'm a little chubbier than most women (he's chubby too, though), and I can't really do normal positions without it being awkward. He did tell me that I was cute, but not "hot".

This really hurt me. I know that I'm not the sexiest woman alive and not the "standard" that most American women are shown at on TV or magazines, but I think he's handsome. I'd rather have him than washboard abs, seriously. He apologized profusely for saying it, but I need time to sort of "get over it."

How should I handle this situation? Should we get some sort of pills to help him perform better? I think once our sex life improves a bit, then he'll feel better. I can't afford pills to help his self-esteem, so I was going to go the placebo route and just tell him it's the actual stuff.

I'm just at a loss.

[rcoreyus]

There are lots of types of intimacy you can both enjoy that don't involve intercourse. Do other things and take away the pressure for him to perform and the problem may just get better.

Try not to worry about words like "beautiful", "cute", "hot" - they mean different things to different people. I'm really attracted to my wife, but I wouldn't call her "hot", to me that implies a a different (but not better) sort of look. In the same vein, my wife thinks I'm attractive, but if she called me "macho", or "manly", or "a hunk", I'd burst out laughing - I'm not those things, and I'd know she was just making it up.

[Euphoric]

When a person has low self-esteem issues, sometimes they make comments against another person, but it's really a reflection of how they feel about themselves. However, once words leave your lips, they can't be taken back. No amount of apologies can erase the damage done. Time will fade the blow you felt. I'm not so sure that a placebo pill would make any difference. Given that he has a low libido, perhaps he should have his testosterone level checked.

[jns]

Instead of putting pressure on him to have an erection for intercourse, why don't you two take time exploring each other's bodies? Use oral or masturbation to excite each other. As you get more comfortable with each other, intercourse will just happen at some point. Maybe even just have him do only a few strokes before going back to other explorations at the beginning. Later, expand the length of having intercourse. Work with him to build up his confidence. A mental block like he has is a self fulfilling prophesy. He thinks that he will have trouble performing, so he has trouble performing.

[JonDoe]

A penis that is 4 to 5 inches when erect is on the smaller side, but many women will honestly share that a man's tongue and/or a single finger can provide incredibly pleasurable orgasms, thus size is not the most important factor and for many size is simply not important at all. I seriously doubt you will leave him solely because of his size, but in time you might leave him because of an unhealthy and unfulfilling sex life.

Unfortunately, modern society has an unhealthy view that bigger is better. I can only imagine that this must be both a very sensitive subject for your husband and tough to deal with as well. Even if your husband isn't watching porn that has men with very large penises or women using very large dildos, it may feel to him that there is almost no escaping from the "bigger is better" hokum in television, movies, magazines and the internet. Until he regains his self-esteem and learns to be content with his whole self, he will continue to have these thoughts at least several times a day when undressing, going to the bathroom and showering.

I recommend seeing a sex therapist, but that is not going to be an easy pill to swallow. Other people on this forum may be able to provide advice on how to go about seeking professional counseling.

Find ways to routinely exercise together and shed the extra pounds. Do it for yourselves as well as for each other and your marriage. Not only will you both feel better about yourselves and have more self-esteem, but you will also have more energy, deal with life's daily stresses better, get sick less often and lead an overall healthier lifestyle. If that is not enough motivation, then consider how much you will save on doctor visits, medication and insurance over your lifetime. Do the research -- you can save tens of thousands of dollars.

Men that are overweight tend to have lower testosterone and increased levels of estrogen, which can have a negative effect on libido and contribute to erectile dysfunction. In addition, an overweight man may be "hiding" as much as a half-inch or possibly more of his penis under belly fat. Now there is motivation for a man to exercise and shed those extra pounds!