[confusedladki]

Hi, I am a girl and i am 21 years old. Me and my bf have been together for the past 4 years. We have been very intimate and have also gone oral. But never had intercourse. This is because i fear that i may get pregnant and i really cannot afford that to happen. I know about pills but i am afraid of its side effects. The only contraception i want to try is a male condom. But that is also not 100% fool proof. My bf has been very sad for the past couple of months because of my rejection towards having sex. I want to have sex with him but the above factors scare me. Also, I don't know how painful the first time could be. What should I do?

[lcj14]

I don't really know how to help with your fear of getting pregnant. Four years seems like a really long time to be together without having intercourse.
The pain involved with the first time varies for each woman. For me personally it was not a very painful experience. One thing you should keep in mind is that if you do decide to have sex, try to relax and not worry about whether or not it will hurt. It is more likely to hurt if you're terrified that it will hurt.
Do you mind if I ask what side effects of birth control that you are afraid of?
I think you need to try to sit down and consider the pros and cons of your situation. Do you intend on being with your boyfriend forever? If so, you have to consider that at some point if you two are going to be life partners you will have to have intercourse at some point, I would think.
Perhaps try to discuss your fears with your boyfriend? If you haven't done so already

[jns]

What are your plans for life as far as education, career, marriage, sex and children? What are your boyfriend's plans for the same? There is nothing wrong with holding off being intimate until later. Knowing when that will happen, at least in general terms, will turn it from an unknown into a goal.

Pain should not enter in the equation as far as consummating your relationship. It is in most cases a temporary thing if there is pain to any degree. Is there any reason you believe you would be different than most women?

There are no guarantees in life. Everything is a gamble. You know the odds and you take your chances. This applies to contraception and also pain during first intercourse.

In general, I think that getting married before mid twenties will be done with more guessing about what you want with life because of not having several more years of life experience.

[confusedladki]

we are very serious about each other and want to get married at some point in life ,maybe after 5 years or so. i have told him about my fears and he understands but i know he is controlling his wishes just for me.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Hi Confused.

I would attend a Family Clinic/Doctor and discuss all options with them and come to a decision of what your body will be able to handle, accept, discuss the pill, condoms and the morning after pill.

Often fear of pregnancy or putting chemicals into our bodies does off course scare us, but there are many options for you.

What a fantastic boyfriend you are one lucky lady. But off course, 4 years with a woman he loves and can't be intimate with in that regard can be hard on a man.

(Edit) I am basing my reply on your question and not on if you wished to remain a virgin until marriage otherwise, I'd agree on some of what JNS has stated.

Good for you to come here.

Welcome.

CW

[confusedladki]

Thanks, all your valuable advice is greatly appreciated by me. I was really stressing myself over this issue and I am actually feeling better by talking to all of you and listening to your advice. Thank you so much.

[Adviser]

Thanks, all your valuable advice is greatly appreciated by me. I was really stressing myself over this issue and I am actually feeling better by talking to all of you and listening to your advice. Thank you so much.

Hi,

From my personal experience, the pill I am on has had no side effects, and I have been on it for two years.

Finding a pill that suits you may take a while, it may be the first one the doctor suggests, or the third, but it is likely you will find one that suits you.

I have never missed a pill in two years. I set an alarm, so I don't forget! If you take it at around the same time, it is as accurate as any contraception can be.

If you want to be intimate, then reliable contraception is something you will have to consider.

I was scared too, scared of pregnancy and of it hurting, but when the moment came, it felt right, and the pain is really nothing to worry about! If he is the right one for you, if you want to marry him, as you say, then this is an important step for your relationship.

I don't think I would be as close to my boyfriend without it, it makes us so comfortable with each other, strengthens our emotional connection and we know each other so well as a result! I'm not saying you cannot be close without it, but it is a natural beautiful way of expressing love.

Hope you find a solution! I would be interested to know what you decide.

[confusedladki]

I come from a conservative culture. The problem is that I still live with my parents and if they find out that i am taking pills, it would be a really bad situation then. I want to make my own decisions but can male condom be safe enough to eliminate the risk of pregnancy or infections? I do not know why i am being paranoid about this but clearing my doubts and seeking help always seems to be the best option.


Thanks for the help.

[confusedladki]

Also I really want to have that moment with him and I want to remain tension free after that.I do not want to have all that stress regarding pregnancy and i do not want to regret anything i have done just because we were not careful. Prevention is always better than cure. Right?

[Adviser]

I come from a conservative culture. The problem is that I still live with my parents and if they find out that i am taking pills, it would be a really bad situation then. I want to make my own decisions but can male condom be safe enough to eliminate the risk of pregnancy or infections? I do not know why i am being paranoid about this but clearing my doubts and seeking help always seems to be the best option.


Thanks for the help.

I am also from a conservative (Catholic) family, and my mother does not know I am on the pill.
She has not known for two years, but then, she respects my privacy. If your parents respects yours, and you have somewhere safe to put it, then that may be an option.

The male condom is safe enough to reduce the risk of infection, and if used correctly, can reduce the risk of pregnancy, but not completely.

What do YOU think about contraception? If you think it is right, then stand up for yourself if your parents find out. (I'm going to be blunt here) If you don't agree with it, and don't want to get pregnant, then don't have sex.

If you want to have sex, then accept the consequences of preventing pregnancy.

You don't want the stress either, that you might get pregnant. Prevention is better, yes!