[family1st]

I am a guy needing other women's input please. I am married to a wonder woman for 15 years with several children. We have a typical marriage (ups and downs) but over all solid. One of the issues that causes me angst is our intimate life. We are both a little more conservative, Christian family, and my wife admit-tingly has a severe case of "Good Girl" syndrome. She has a lot of walls and inhibitions and sex 'had it's purpose and was not suppose to be entertaining'. She has probably a typical drive for a 37 year old with children ( turned on without prompting about every 7-10 days, more so when she's ovulating) but does understand that I need it more often so she makes herself available. She does climax regularly and seems to enjoy it, however Sex is very sterile and mechanical. It is not play time, the goal is to climax and move on. She has never been comfortable with her body, "what's the deal with breasts" she feels her vagina is ugly therefor should not be attractive to me. Her choice of sex would be lights off, no foreplay, drive till climax, then be done. To her credit she does patronize me a little (with lots of limits) but she is always uncomfortable when we branch out. foreplay is "dirty" to her, lingerie is "****ty", and I'm a pervert if I bring up something adventurous. She doesn't like me to fondle her but allows at times to make me happy. My penis is ugly and she would rather not mess with it, but does all times to make me happy. She thinks oral sex is gross, but has done it a couple of times to make me happy.

We've talked and she acknowledges her perception might be overly prude but can't over come it. We've read books, listen to tapes, etc. about sexual relations and she puts herself out there for a week or so and then falls back into the same rut.

Is her attitude towards sex typical? Is it wrong for me to want more out of my sex life? Is it realistic for her to break down some of these walls. Should I just shut up and live with it?

I would really like to get other women's perspective, I already know what every other husband thinks!

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Please don't take any notice of what "other husbands think" let's face it, they will want nothing other than a promiscuous woman whom is a lady outside the bedroom. Am I right?

There are two things, either the way she was bought up or, something that happened to her in her youth.

I am suspecting her up-bringing.

But, here is the thing, you are more fortunate than so many men, so many women will not even compromise but she does here and there... That is love.

The only way you can communicate sexually is if you make her feel so sexy, so beautiful, not after sex, rather intimacy.. That she has no need to fear intimacy it is beautiful to be a sensual woman.

SENSUAL is the key.

Can I suggest? You seek sexual counceling (hear me out) to establish how you can do this, make her feel safe, comfortable, beautiful and wanting to be that woman.

It's evident that she has it in her, through love and that is the key.

(edit)

If I can add.

It truly is about feeling loved, secure, intimacy is ok..

And it is truly about a man making a woman feel it's OK

[DreamP346]

Getting some outside help can definitely help. A sex therapist is really good, but having somebody from your own community like a priest counsel her that sex is OK and good wil probably be more effective.

The other thing is you have to remember this will be a life long process. You read the books and listened to tapes and things changed for a while. Were you continuing to listen to the tapes and read the books while you were making the changes? That is a mistake most people make. Learning and changing is a continueous process that needs to be fueled continuously. You don't just take a single course and suddenly become an expert. You need to continue to effort you are putting into making changes. This goes for your wife too. Helping her understand that is where the sex therapist would be helpful.

Have you looked into the Sinclair Foundation? They are a religious group that puts a lot of sex education videos and brochures out. I would recommend looking into it.

[Trisha23]

I guess it is best if you seek help with a professional counselor to better address this problem.

[momofthree]

I have to agree with all of the above. I too, was very "shy", intimidated and grossly lacking self esteem in the bedroom for years and years. My mother used to tell me that sex was disgusting and only done when absolutely necessary. All of her negative sex talk stuck in my mind for many years, and counselling helped me alot. I'm still quite "shy" when it comes to bedroom activities, but definitely more open and willing since I've been taught that sex is a natural, loving and NORMAL part of married life.

[Harmony]

No feelings of guilt or shame should be associated with (consensual) sex, unfortunately - primarily due to religious influence in my opinion - they have been.

I would follow the above advice, couples counseling and perhaps sex therapy.

Good luck, you both deserve this and owe it to yourselves and each other to make sex a mutually pleasurable (and hopefully regular) part of your marriage.

The good news is that your wife is somewhere around her sexual peak, so once she learns to engage her mind and body with yours, embrace sex and enjoying the mutual exchange of orgasms, she wont want to look back.

[Lady Syrinx]

I have to agree with all of the above. I too, was very "shy", intimidated and grossly lacking self esteem in the bedroom for years and years. My mother used to tell me that sex was disgusting and only done when absolutely necessary. All of her negative sex talk stuck in my mind for many years, and counselling helped me alot. I'm still quite "shy" when it comes to bedroom activities, but definitely more open and willing since I've been taught that sex is a natural, loving and NORMAL part of married life.

Same here. I'm much more open in the last year. I was a bit prudish. My husband would point it out which offended me. I always joked that it was due to 12 years of Catholic education. My big block was always being heard. Then after reading a threadhere I started thinking back on my family life.

It wasn't the attitude toward the act itself, I know fathers are generally squeemish when their daughters hit puberty. I've heard enough comics talk about it. My dad was beyond squeemish. So much so that I couldn't ask my mom to get me pads when he was within earshot. If I did slip' he 'd ask me to repeat myself. And tell me not to do it. I guess It made a bigger impression on me than I ever thought it had. Because once I acknowleged it I was able to fully enjoy sex without feeling like I had to control myself so I wouldn't be heard.

When I met my husband it felt very strange to be with a male who was fine withe talking about my period.