[In_need_of_guidance]

I'm very fed up with my 4 year on and off again boyfriend. I feel like we have serious issues when it comes to sex. For at least the past 2 wks, we have not had sex. He knows that whenever he wants it, I will give it him. Last night I fell asleep early and found that he had masterbated in the washroom while I was asleep. This morning he did so as well. I was lying in bed and could hear him. This issue has been on going. I have brought it up to him several times and have asked him to do so in front of me. He says he will but then always ends up sneaking to the bathroom. I feel like the second I'm not around he can't wait to get into the washroom. It really hurts. I have tried to make our sex life better by dressing up for him, bringing toys into the mix, buying him porns we can watch together, etc. I've heard that he has always been like this... I feel like he gets bored being in a relationship and needs to look elsewhere. He has tons of porn downloaded on his computer, tv, cell phone, etc. Recently he mentioned to me that I have gained weight and that I'm doing nothing about it & that he is no longer attracted to me. I have maybe put on 5 pounds since I've been going through a hard time. When we do have sex, he is usually under the influence. Whenever we do have sex, he needs to masterbate to finish. He does so in front of me, but many times is unable to ejaculate. As well, he doesn't really believe in foreplay, so I hardly ever get off. I really don't know what to do anymore... Do you think these issues stem from psychological problems? His need to control? How can I get this to change?

[rcoreyus]

His behavior is not normal - most healthy men much prefer sex with their partner. His comment on your weight has to just be an excuse - 5 pounds is nothing. He is just trying to find a way to blame you for what is entirely his problem. His porn use is of course tied to his masturbation. I have no objection to porn IF it doesn't interfere with someone's sex life, but here it clearly is. Maybe his watching of porn has desensitized him to real sex - possibly his tastes have drifted to extreme (or maybe gay?) porn?

He needs to want to solve this, and it doesn't sound like he cares. You say you think he has always been like this.

So - why are you still with him? Sex is a really important part of a relationship and you really won't be happy as long as this continues. Is there something about him that makes up for this really serious problem? Might you be better to find someone else and have a healthy relationship and leave your current boyfriend to his porn? Don't be angry with him - this is just how he is - but you don't need to stay with someone who doesn't make you happy. I honestly don't think this is something you can fix.

[In_need_of_guidance]

Thank you so much for your help. This is just one of the many problems in our relationship. I need to gain the courage & move on.

[rcoreyus]

I don't think it benefits either party to stay in a relationship where someone is unhappy: if your partner isn't happy, you can't be either.

I think the important thing is to avoid blame: no one is keeping score, it just doesn't matter who is at fault. Resist the temptation to complain about his "choosing porn over you" - in some sense that is exactly what has happened, but you don't need convince him that he is wrong. If you leave (as I think you should), then what he thinks is not important anymore.

You are unhappy in this relationship and would be happier without it - and that is how I would present it to him. You will be amazed at how much better life is with someone who cares about you and with whom you can be intimate. There are lots of really nice people out there, never any reason to feel that you need to settle for a situation where you are unhappy.

He may even be relieved when you leave. He will be free to watch all the porn he wants, or maybe even find someone who has whatever he feels he does not have here (that something he wants might be a partner who is male...).

[Wowzer]

He clearly has a problem with porn. Porn desensitizes a man to real sex, makes them prefer self-sex, and trains the brain to solo-sex. He clearly likes self-sex over partner sex. Ditch him. He is brain-damaged.

[vinnyt]

I'm very fed up with my 4 year on and off again boyfriend. I feel like we have serious issues when it comes to sex. For at least the past 2 wks, we have not had sex. He knows that whenever he wants it, I will give it him. Last night I fell asleep early and found that he had masterbated in the washroom while I was asleep. This morning he did so as well. I was lying in bed and could hear him. This issue has been on going. I have brought it up to him several times and have asked him to do so in front of me. He says he will but then always ends up sneaking to the bathroom. I feel like the second I'm not around he can't wait to get into the washroom. It really hurts. I have tried to make our sex life better by dressing up for him, bringing toys into the mix, buying him porns we can watch together, etc. I've heard that he has always been like this... I feel like he gets bored being in a relationship and needs to look elsewhere. He has tons of porn downloaded on his computer, tv, cell phone, etc. Recently he mentioned to me that I have gained weight and that I'm doing nothing about it & that he is no longer attracted to me. I have maybe put on 5 pounds since I've been going through a hard time. When we do have sex, he is usually under the influence. Whenever we do have sex, he needs to masterbate to finish. He does so in front of me, but many times is unable to ejaculate. As well, he doesn't really believe in foreplay, so I hardly ever get off. I really don't know what to do anymore... Do you think these issues stem from psychological problems? His need to control? How can I get this to change?

Hi there,

as a guy i can tell you there are only 2 reasons why a man would rather watch porn a jerk off than fu**k
1 he never got his fantasies fulfilled or 2 he is not into you, you are not his type to begin with. check out the porn, do the women resemble you in any way shape or form? and also what kinda porn does he watch, did you do all he watches with him?
maybe is time to move on