Firstly let me say that my wife and I do have pretty open communication, so I'm not just asking random women on the internet for an opinion without bothering to speak to my wife first.
We are married for 7 years (this month) and have a beautiful 4 year old daughter. We are both overweight, but okay with it and still find each other attractive. She tells me often how sexy she thinks I am and I still think she is sexy as well. We have lots of inside jokes, we go to scifi conventions together and have lots of fun together. We joke a lot and laugh together. Pretty much everything in our lives is wonderful with a few exceptions. I am bipolar and have trouble with the stress of my job, in fact the plan now is for me to quit my day job in a year or so and be a stay-at-home dad and also homeschool our little one. I get much more personal satisfaction from keeping a house orderly than I ever did from a job, where basically I feel like I'm prostituting myself for a paycheck. We have a cute little woodframe house that we can easily afford and we don't waste money on crazy stuff. For the most part we've got our stuff together and are smart about how we live.
I think my wife is beautiful and sweet and I just can't get enough of her. The biggest problem we have; however, is that when things are on her mind (fairly high-stress job) or otherwise bothering her she shuts down, she wants to be left alone. I'm the exact opposite, when things are bothering me I want nothing in the world more than hugging, kissing, nuzzling, sex, pillow talk, cuddling, etc... Of course when she's feeling like that my "neediness" makes her want to shut down even more....and when she shuts down like that I feel hurt and alone and I just want to cry. I feel like a little lost puppy that just needs his best friend in the whole world. So then I also feel rejected and my (already very present) self-esteem issues kick up and I crave affection and sex more than I did before because I need to feel desired and loved. Of course this just makes me seem more "needy" and I then feel even more pathetic and obviously that's not attractive....so I make her want me even less....I just don't know what to do anymore. I am absolutely not the cheating type. I love my wife so much I could never EVER cheat on her. I love her and only her so much.
It's just difficult both because of the emotional issues and also because of the sexual issues. She has a fairly good sex drive. I've known guys who's wives seldom (if ever) want sex with them but my wife typically wants sex 1-2 times per week most weeks...which isn't bad....but to be quite honest I have a VERY high sex drive. Yes I know most men do, but it's also an emotional thing for me. I gravitate naturally toward desiring sex every 1-3 days, so typically 3-6 times per week. We've managed for the last few years to find an equilibrium somewhere around 1-3 times per week but in all honesty I wish it was at least just a LITTLE more. 2-4 times per week and I probably wouldn't feel frustrated anymore. What makes it extra difficult though is that my wife has an irregular menstrual cycle and it wreaks havoc on her hormones. Occassionally, maybe once every year or two she'll get a huge hormonal surge in her libido and I actually have trouble keeping up. When it happens she's wanting sex pretty much every day and several times a day on the weekends...I love it but almost start getting concerned I won't be able to keep up with her. Then most of the time we're in that equilibrium phase where it's the 1-3 times per week. Then every now and then (like right now) her cycle skips a month and then is really bad and lasts like a week and a half and then for another week or so after that she doesn't want me to touch her. She says that her cervix is physically sore and that sex just isn't comfortable and I respect that...I ALWAYS concern myself with my wife being sexually satisfied and enjoying the experience, almost to the point that sometimes my enjoyment of the moment isn't what it could be because I'm so concerned with how much she's enjoying it.
I want so badly to just give her the space she needs, to not think about sex for the 2-3 weeks when she periodically has a crazy cycle like this....but the more she pushes me away the more I desire her because my self esteem dives and I need so badly to feel desired.
What do I do? How do I respect that her hormones are going crazy and she's wanting to be left alone (coupled with sex not physically feeling that great) but also not drive myself completely insane with feelings of inadequacy? We talk about it and have for years, but it basically always just comes down to me having to try to find some way to deal with it. I don't think it's fair to have to tell her "you need to be horny more often" but at the same time it's equally unfair for me to have to try to be less horny. Counter to what many people may think men have feelings, I often feel I have TOO MUCH feelings, and I have needs...physical as well as emotional. My wife is a wonderful woman and I love her with all of my heart but I just have these needs and desires that are driving me insane.
A woman's perspective on this please? Thank you for taking the time to read all of this.
We are married for 7 years (this month) and have a beautiful 4 year old daughter. We are both overweight, but okay with it and still find each other attractive. She tells me often how sexy she thinks I am and I still think she is sexy as well. We have lots of inside jokes, we go to scifi conventions together and have lots of fun together. We joke a lot and laugh together. Pretty much everything in our lives is wonderful with a few exceptions. I am bipolar and have trouble with the stress of my job, in fact the plan now is for me to quit my day job in a year or so and be a stay-at-home dad and also homeschool our little one. I get much more personal satisfaction from keeping a house orderly than I ever did from a job, where basically I feel like I'm prostituting myself for a paycheck. We have a cute little woodframe house that we can easily afford and we don't waste money on crazy stuff. For the most part we've got our stuff together and are smart about how we live.
I think my wife is beautiful and sweet and I just can't get enough of her. The biggest problem we have; however, is that when things are on her mind (fairly high-stress job) or otherwise bothering her she shuts down, she wants to be left alone. I'm the exact opposite, when things are bothering me I want nothing in the world more than hugging, kissing, nuzzling, sex, pillow talk, cuddling, etc... Of course when she's feeling like that my "neediness" makes her want to shut down even more....and when she shuts down like that I feel hurt and alone and I just want to cry. I feel like a little lost puppy that just needs his best friend in the whole world. So then I also feel rejected and my (already very present) self-esteem issues kick up and I crave affection and sex more than I did before because I need to feel desired and loved. Of course this just makes me seem more "needy" and I then feel even more pathetic and obviously that's not attractive....so I make her want me even less....I just don't know what to do anymore. I am absolutely not the cheating type. I love my wife so much I could never EVER cheat on her. I love her and only her so much.
It's just difficult both because of the emotional issues and also because of the sexual issues. She has a fairly good sex drive. I've known guys who's wives seldom (if ever) want sex with them but my wife typically wants sex 1-2 times per week most weeks...which isn't bad....but to be quite honest I have a VERY high sex drive. Yes I know most men do, but it's also an emotional thing for me. I gravitate naturally toward desiring sex every 1-3 days, so typically 3-6 times per week. We've managed for the last few years to find an equilibrium somewhere around 1-3 times per week but in all honesty I wish it was at least just a LITTLE more. 2-4 times per week and I probably wouldn't feel frustrated anymore. What makes it extra difficult though is that my wife has an irregular menstrual cycle and it wreaks havoc on her hormones. Occassionally, maybe once every year or two she'll get a huge hormonal surge in her libido and I actually have trouble keeping up. When it happens she's wanting sex pretty much every day and several times a day on the weekends...I love it but almost start getting concerned I won't be able to keep up with her. Then most of the time we're in that equilibrium phase where it's the 1-3 times per week. Then every now and then (like right now) her cycle skips a month and then is really bad and lasts like a week and a half and then for another week or so after that she doesn't want me to touch her. She says that her cervix is physically sore and that sex just isn't comfortable and I respect that...I ALWAYS concern myself with my wife being sexually satisfied and enjoying the experience, almost to the point that sometimes my enjoyment of the moment isn't what it could be because I'm so concerned with how much she's enjoying it.
I want so badly to just give her the space she needs, to not think about sex for the 2-3 weeks when she periodically has a crazy cycle like this....but the more she pushes me away the more I desire her because my self esteem dives and I need so badly to feel desired.
What do I do? How do I respect that her hormones are going crazy and she's wanting to be left alone (coupled with sex not physically feeling that great) but also not drive myself completely insane with feelings of inadequacy? We talk about it and have for years, but it basically always just comes down to me having to try to find some way to deal with it. I don't think it's fair to have to tell her "you need to be horny more often" but at the same time it's equally unfair for me to have to try to be less horny. Counter to what many people may think men have feelings, I often feel I have TOO MUCH feelings, and I have needs...physical as well as emotional. My wife is a wonderful woman and I love her with all of my heart but I just have these needs and desires that are driving me insane.
A woman's perspective on this please? Thank you for taking the time to read all of this.
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