[alyss777]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years and our sex life used to be amazing. It started dwindling about a year ago and is progressivly getting worse. When We have sex its still really good and I feel great about it overall but I feel like everything I do to light the fire again- so to speak-isn't working. I've tried sexy outfits, buying him gifts, suggesting new things, having sex discussions to see if he wants to try somthing new..I've tried seducing him in different ways. Pretty much any tip I could read as a way to " get your man in the mood" I've done it. Everytime I try to talk to him he shuts down. He says he's still really attracted to me and wants to but just can't physically. I don't know if he's telling the truth or if its secretly me? But he and I both dont want him to get on pills. Hes only in his 20s. Help

[vinnyt]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years and our sex life used to be amazing. It started dwindling about a year ago and is progressivly getting worse. When We have sex its still really good and I feel great about it overall but I feel like everything I do to light the fire again- so to speak-isn't working. I've tried sexy outfits, buying him gifts, suggesting new things, having sex discussions to see if he wants to try somthing new..I've tried seducing him in different ways. Pretty much any tip I could read as a way to " get your man in the mood" I've done it. Everytime I try to talk to him he shuts down. He says he's still really attracted to me and wants to but just can't physically. I don't know if he's telling the truth or if its secretly me? But he and I both dont want him to get on pills. Hes only in his 20s. Help

Hi there,
You shouldt have to use anything to get him in the mood if he is in his 20"s! He should be attacking you every chance he gets. As a man I can tell you there are other issues. I will speak for alot of men, but for a guy in his 20's a woman wearing sexy outfits its like a sex fantasy that alone should make him get hard and attack you
You never said how old you are
did you by chance gain any weight, did you make any comments to suggest you want something more, or you had much bigger partners? Do you know if you are actually his type?
It will be very rare if he cant get an erection due to low testosterone, but that might be one reason why he cant physically do it. The fact he shuts down when you try to talk about it is not a good sign, it means there is something. I would suggest keep pushing until you get it out of him and if you cant just move on.

[Little]

There are lots of men out there with low sex drives or sex drives lower than their partners. You just have to search old threads here to see case after case just like yours - women of all ages, shapes, and sizes who have tried every trick in the book to get it up and get it on, but to no avail. What you won't find is a consensus on how to fix it. There's probably an underlying issue - some men feel lots of pressure to perform perfectly for sex, some use rejection as a way to stay in control of the relationship, some have hormonal issues, it goes on and on.
Until your boyfriend is ready to talk to you about what's really wrong, there's no way for you to "figure it out." There is a lot of social pressure for men to have perfect sex lives and be ready to "jump" their partners at a moment's notice, and your boyfriend might feel bad or un-masculine because he is not living up to this standard. Try gentle reassurance that you want to solve this problem - and certainly ask him to get a hormone checkup at the doc.

[Claret]

you You never said how old you are did you by chance gain any weight, did you make any comments to suggest you want something more, or you had much bigger partners? Do you know if you are actually his type?

I really find this answer an attempt to put the blame on the poster rather than an answer that would help her to find a solution to her problem. There are many reasons why the sex drive may have slowed down somewhat after 4 years. I'm guessing you are living together and there are pressures associated with that, how about his job, are there any family pressures, any medical issues in his immediate family, are there any financial worries? Have you every had reason to doubt his word before? Maybe he really is just too tired. Has he encountered performance issues or anxiety previously? Maybe by constantly trying to get him in the mood, he is just rebelling against it. Have the two of you any un-resolved issues that may be nibbling at the back of his mind? You need to sit down, talk in an un-confrontational manner, express your concern and ask him for his opinions and his thoughts. See what he has to say before you make any more advances.

[vinnyt]

I really find this answer an attempt to put the blame on the poster rather than an answer that would help her to find a solution to her problem. There are many reasons why the sex drive may have slowed down somewhat after 4 years. I'm guessing you are living together and there are pressures associated with that, how about his job, are there any family pressures, any medical issues in his immediate family, are there any financial worries? Have you every had reason to doubt his word before? Maybe he really is just too tired. Has he encountered performance issues or anxiety previously? Maybe by constantly trying to get him in the mood, he is just rebelling against it. Have the two of you any un-resolved issues that may be nibbling at the back of his mind? You need to sit down, talk in an un-confrontational manner, express your concern and ask him for his opinions and his thoughts. See what he has to say before you make any more advances.

There is no blame, it was a simple question. Unfortunately for some men the weight gain could be a killer. And the "love me for who i am" doesnt work.
By beating around the bush you will not find help. Men do not get affected by jobs or family pressure or financial issues. Too tired for sex is a women's trademark for not wanting sex. What straight healthy man wouldnt want sex with an attractive woman, no matter how tired? Guys would not sleep for 2 nites sometimes and still do it no problem, its just a man's thing. The only men who will use that excuse are the once who are so not into their wife's they rather jack off or are having an affair.
Women over analyze things, men do not operate like that, and I doubt any woman would find a man who gets affected by any of those issue or loves to analyze and talk things over attractive for more than few months, after that its back to wanting a real man.
And just like you said:
Have the two of you have any un-resolved issues that may be nibbling at the back of his mind?
Guess what those issues might be, definitely they will not be his stressful job and the fact his feelings got hurt because she didnt listen to his lil story about his ***** boss, Or his family issues.
Those issue will be weight gain, (he is not into her) comments made (sexually he is insecure) or impotence (he cant get it up but its embarrassing to talk about it)
And realistically speaking how many couples can claim that they had that heart to heart non confrontational talk about the disastrous sex life they have or rather not have and it all got better after the talk?

[Claret]

I think you are doing a great dis-service to many, many men by painting them all with the same brush that you use. There are many honourable men on this forum and in the world that would and do analyze their feelings, actions and lives and would and do operate like that. If this is only your opinion, state that but don't state that all men think, act or feel in the manner you describe.

[Little]

I must agree with Claret. Saying that ALL men do something will ALWAYS be incorrect. And your negative talk about what ALL women do will similarly ALWAYS be incorrect. YOU may do the things you say, and the men you contact may (say that) they do things the way you say, but that does not mean unilaterally that ALL men will be like you. And their being unlike you does not make them less of a "real man." Comments like that last one are insulting and not welcome here.

[rcoreyus]

From many posts at this site I think it is clear that there are some men and some women who either lose interest in sex, or never had much interest through absolutely no fault of their partners. I think that people who have an active sex drive and who are attracted to their partners have a difficult time imagining this - they think of cases where they themselves didn't have any sexual interest in someone because of some reason.

Before seeing this forum, I also had assume that all men were interested in sex most of the time, unless something was "wrong". I'm sure there are women here who assumed that if a woman wasn't interested in her partner it was because of some fault of his. It is just natural to map your own situation onto things you read.

I don't think people have found any "fix" for a partner who isn't interested. Sometimes it gets better, often not. Trying hard to attract them doesn't seem to work - maybe it is just seen as more pressure for unwanted sex. I'm pretty sure that my wife got to the point where every nice thing I did for her was seen as pressuring her for sex.

Now - to the original poster: your partner says that he is really attracted but just can't physically. If that is true, and not an excuse, have you tried things that don't require him to "perform"? It is possible that he is embarassed about his inability to perform and that pushes him away. Can he please you with fingers, mouth, toys (unless that makes him feel even more inadequate)? Maybe if the pressure were removed, his physical problems would go away and he would enjoy sex more.

Probably not - I'm guessing that he is using the physical problems as an excuse (maybe to himself) and this won't help.

I'm one of the people who is almost always very happy to intimate with my wife, so it is difficult to picture someone who isn't. Really it would be best if one of the posters who has lost interest in sex could comment.

[jns]

He says he's still really attracted to me and wants to but just can't physically.

His tongue doesn't work? He could satisfy some of what you want by using his hands and/or his tongue. Those things would work even if he had erectile dysfunction. As for pills, things like Viagra work best when his head and mind is in the game. They aren't addictive AFAIK so he could try them and see if it's a confidence thing.

[sweetsoutherngal]

I have the same problem!

My boyfriend and I are in our early twenties as well, we've been together for a little over 4 years an dour sex life has slowly been going down the drain as well. At one point, because of my birth control, I didn't ever want to have sex and had no idea what could have been wrong with me, and during that time he wanted to have sex a lot, almost as much as when we first go together. That put a huge strain on our relationship, neither of us knew what was wrong. It took until I was done with the bc to figure it out. Now at four years I started wondering id it was me or him. And when we talk about it he says its stress or he's tired. Then he told me "honestly, I thought about it and I think I have low testosterone" I still have problems, thinking theres something wrong with me, but I realize some men aren't sex machines like others. American men have a huge toll on their shoulders to be providers and live up to huge expectations. They put lots of pressures on them selves to be perfect in bed and when they dont live up to theirs and others expectations it can have a huge strain on them. If you talk to him about things like this he may start opening up a little, once he hears something that he thinks you understand that might be bothering him. I hope this helps.