[Miggy]

Hi girls

I'm a guy, 39, still looking pretty good, and 'on the top of my game' (EN not native language so sorry for any 'weird' expressions ). Not a lot of reasons to feel insecure. I have the most beautifull, smart, nice, loving, caring, sexy, hot girlfriend ever! Our whole relationship has been awesome in terms of communication, being on the same level mentally and, when it occurs, also physically. Now almost 3 years still kind of young relationship, and we still live apart (even in different regions, so we see eachother 2/3 days a week) because of work-reasons (we want to live together better sooner then later). You would think that we still get very exited/arroused when we see eachother… Well this is only so for me..

Now when we make love it's incredible, we both enjoy it a lot, and 9 times out of ten we manage to have orgasms at the same time. Now my girlfriend is now 41, still looks sizzling hot, especially for her age, but she is starting to have some issues about her sexuality; she just doesn't feel that sexy/feminine, at least not how she used to. For me kind of sour to hear that she used to enjoy sex a lot and on a daily basis, but since we met it's gone and now down to once a month. Twice if i'm very lucky. So this femininissue plus ,very important, her workstress influences her sexdrive (but hey, doen't everybody have workstress?; I'm a freelancer and I'm in an almost non-stop state of workstress, for which I find (amongst other things) sex a very good, healthy, fun, enjoyable outlet of tension and way to forget about it for a moment or two...)

I try to be very understanding. Not forcing it, being the listening ear for her. But after 2 weeks I get sort of grumpy or quiet and I can't help myself, so after a month it's very hard for me to act as there's nothing wrong… so in the end I DO give her a feeling of uncomfortableness(?) (Guess I'm not that strong of a person…;and yes, this is where my insecurities are starting to surface; "I'm not strong enough to support my girl mentally in these difficult times"… this is not a permanent state of mind, but starts to pop up more and more often)

I tried to put some spice in it by ordering some lingerie, trying to make her very comfortable with the right lighting, make her some nice tapas, a bottle of wine.. some marvin gaye in the background… the works… To no avail. There is nothing in my power (so far) I can do to arrouse her, make her feel relaxed. Foreplay I try to and it seems that I even enjoy it more then her (I ant to eat her more), because when she gets arroused…. she gets arroused quick, and even comes quickly so I have to do an effort to synchronize with her (haha I always thought these were woman-problems, seems sometimes it's the other way around)

Her reaction is often like "Do it yourself' she's ok with me mastrubating, watching porn, but I'm not, at least not within a relationship… or watch erotic films together, but then it has a completely different incentive… And if I start feeling the urge, then to me something is wrong or missing... Maybe I'm a little too idealistic about a healthy sexlife in that sense…

She tries, I know she tries… hard!!… and she's having a super difficult time aswell; she WANTS to be horny, and feel like having sex, but she's stuck, and therefore I'm stuck aswell. We communicate and are very open, but even that kind of talk saturates after a while, if you know what i mean… And however we both want (her to be horny, me to be 100% ok with sex once a month) it now seems like a downward spiral; while (the lack of) sex is the only negative aspect in our relationship...

Sometimes I think this is a tragic thing that happens to a lot of 'pretty girls', always been centre of attention, always has been the hottest in the group, it seems that these girls have a harder time accepting the fact that they're not shaped like barby-dolls all of their lives.. Well this is just a thought out of 1000's

Does this sound recognizable? Any girls out there who are having the same experience, or had, and solved it in any way? Or fellow-men
I'm eager to hear more thoughts about this change in sexuality, that i guess happens to every single one of us, male or female… and i'm very curious how people deal with this..

...sorry for this long post.

thanks and enjoy

[jns]

It sounds like your libidos are mismatched. Initially her libido was higher; maybe due to the Coolidge Effect. Now its down to a lower level. Maybe its being influenced by a negative self image, birth control, stress, etc. Does she feel that you are not paying enough attention to her in your LDR (long distance relationship)? The person with the lowest libido controls how often and how much sex occurs in a normal relationship.

Have you tried giving her multiple orgasms and not trying to have mutual orgasms at the same time. Right now sex sounds regimented. Maybe try a little more randomness. Add some surprises and gifts that tell her that you are thinking of her. Not expensive things, just thoughtful things.

[Miggy]

It sounds like your libidos are mismatched. Initially her libido was higher; maybe due to the Coolidge Effect. Now its down to a lower level. Maybe its being influenced by a negative self image, birth control, stress, etc. Does she feel that you are not paying enough attention to her in your LDR (long distance relationship)? The person with the lowest libido controls how often and how much sex occurs in a normal relationship.

Have you tried giving her multiple orgasms and not trying to have mutual orgasms at the same time. Right now sex sounds regimented. Maybe try a little more randomness. Add some surprises and gifts that tell her that you are thinking of her. Not expensive things, just thoughtful things.

Hi JNS
Thanks for your reply!
I think stress (work, her not being in a place where she wants to be) and lower self-image (through her age, even fear of pre-menopause when her periods get inconsistent) might be two reasons. Birth control is not (she doen't take it). I think we both pay a lot of attention to eachother, no complains there.. we say we love eachother, tell eachother how much we miss each other, how beautifull and sexy we both think the other is.. multiple times a day I buy her small things, and taking care of her with small but meaningfull gestures. I think I do, and she confirms it.. And she does the same.

I'd LOVE to give her multiple orgasms, but if she doesn't want to be touched in the first place... I always guess the best thing is just to avoid me kissing her in the neck, showing her my arrousal,she doesn't really likes to be touched, scratched on the back.. So mostly I try to be close to her in a non-sexual way, because I just don't want to force her, or make her feel obligated, uncomfortable...
I wish I could find the 'button'... Tried finding them, mostly with the classic reactions: "I have a head-ache", "Don't feel sexual", "Tired" I asked her also in a light way "So show me your buttons"... Answer is "I don't know", "I'm not so much a sexual person as I was in my twenties" or one of the above 'classics'...

Same goes for randomness basically. Quickies, outdoor, unexpected moments or places. After a few turn-downs I'm less and less creative in finding a solution, and also less secure about it.. which I guess, on its turn, is not too arroussing to women in general. Hence the downward spiral.

But I never put it on the table literary like that: giving her multiple orgasms without a mutual orgasm... Yes, actually i told her 3 or 4 times the last 2 weeks or so that I would love to give her some oral pleasure... Mostly answered with silence or "Let's see", or "Head-ache" or "Tired"...

But I think they say in English: "Dogged does it"!

Thanks for the suggestion, I'll let know if it works...