[Snitfit]

Hi everyone...this is my first post, so bear with me.

First off, I want to describe my situation, which is the reason I am posting a whole new thread instead of simply commenting on a different one. I am 32, never been married, never had a child nor have I been pregnant. I do work at a job which does have high stress levels, but this is a job I've worked for years. I have always been a big girl, yes I have gained some weight over the years but my sex drive was not affected.

I was on Ortho-Tricyclen for six years, then I changed to Nuva Ring and was on that for years as well. Both methods worked great, didn't affect my sex drive. I was never sexually abused. I lost my virginity at 19 to a man who became my fiance, but that relationship ended badly. He introduced me to a lot of sexual things, and we did a lot together...threesomes, different positions, toys, just about everything you can think of. The relationship ended because he was a cheater, a liar and a con artist...but I am not saying I was completely innocent either. I had one affair to his several. I have been in three other relationships since him. Now I am in a stable relationship with a man who is an alcoholic but otherwise is very loving and adores me. We have been living together for four years. He has a very high sex drive, wants it every day. We had a great sex life at first, but over the last couple of years I have been wanting it less and less. We have tried going off birth control, thinking it was an issue. It worked for a while but then I stopped wanting sex again. I stopped using the ring and went back on the pill, same effect. Also condoms irritate me, and it feels like I am being screwed by a balloon (please forgive the blunt wording). We have tried different condoms, no difference. My bf is a good lover, but when he drinks he can become a clumsy and selfish lover. So I have refused sex when he is drinking, but now even when he is sober too I refuse it. I do "help" him most times, but there are some nights when I cannot even do that.

I find sex repulsive...I hate getting oral sex, I don't like to be touched down there. I have experimented with toys and lube to no avail. I rarely masturbate. Porn sickens me. I have fantasized a little about other men, but only in the romantic sense, not sexual.

I cannot afford to see a counselor. I do not believe in taking pills to solve any problem.

I don't know what is wrong with me. My bf is physically attractive. I feel really upset when I deny him sex, but even worse when I submit. Once in a great while I will be in the mood...maybe once a month, if that! He becomes frustrated after so long, accuses me of wanting other men or being with other men (usually he is drunk when he does this), thinks there is something wrong with him but I do my best to reassure him on all counts. I still find him attractive. I don't want to be with anyone else. What is going on???

[Snitfit]

Of course my aversions to sex have only come about within the last couple of years. It's frustrating to me. This morning my bf tried to initiate sex and it felt good until he tried fingering me down there. His fingers were rough from work and he hadn't cut his nails in a while, so it felt like sandpaper and a razorblade inside. WTF...I almost feel like straight-up sex without foreplay would be better for me.

[shutupandcolour]

This is more or less my entire reason for joining this forum myself, and holy hell can I relate.

I've been with my SO for 6 years and we married last October. He's attractive, worships the ground I walk on, and is still madly in love with me years later. He has an obnoxiously high sex drive whereas mine had always been low(er) and now next to non existent and it is tearing our marriage and our lives apart. I can totally and completely relate to pretty much everything you mentioned.

I'm 25 and should be in the absolute prime of my life in terms of sexual prowess, and I **do** have a sex drive, but I have to force it with him. I have to slam back shots of tequila or rum before I can stomach doing anything sexual and it makes my husband feel awful. He doesn't blame me for not having an interest in him as much as he blames me for just not trying as he tries for me. I generally find a way to weasel my way out of doing anything.

How is your relationship with him romantically? You mentioned you fantasized about other men more so romantic than sexual. Months ago during some hardships with my husband we fell apart romantically and my sex drive became focused elsewhere to other people willing to fulfill both my romantic and sexual needs (very long, complicated story that's not entirely as bad as it sounds). I realized when I was starting to fall romantically for a particular someone that my interest in my husband sexually had gone from pathetic and low to completely dead. If your relationship is struggling on the flip side, it'll in turn have an affect on your sex life.

[Snitfit]

Romantically...ehhh it depends. He does a lot of things for me, such as he'll cook dinner for me or give me a massage, still buys me roses from time to time...but otherwise he won't hardly touch me or pay me any sort of physical attention until right when he's supposed to go to bed, and by then he's usually blotto, which turns him into a creature I don't want to have sex with. This happens more often than not. But we enjoyed a wonderful little PDA in the grocery store yesterday, he put his arms around me and kissed me from behind, it was nice. I loved it. But when we're home, he's usually getting drunk at the computer desk and zoning out on his games, then when I decide to bring out my netbook and go online after sitting by myself for a while, he gets mad at me for ignoring him.

Basically we have our good days and our bad days. We struggle financially a little but we can afford to keep the bills paid and a roof over our head. We go out to eat sometimes when money allows it, but don't often go anywhere to have fun because...he'd rather stay at home, get drunk and play his games. I love him but he can be a little kid sometimes...and I don't mind it when a person drinks, except he cannot handle the alcohol. I won't get into detail on that.

Anyway...we do things for each other, but when it comes to romance, it's always with a catch involved...the catch being sex. I want to cuddle, I want to kiss and feel loved and have that level of intimacy, but of course he wants more...and when it comes to heavy petting and other stuff I feel almost revolted...probably more with my own body than anything else, but if he is fumbling around with calloused hands and untrimmed fingernails trying to find my happy spot, it doesn't help. I feel like Swamp Thing after we're done having sex...slimy, wet, sticky...but its too late to jump into the shower so I sleep in love juices all night. Bleck.

I know it sounds like all I do is complain about him, I apologize and I try not to nitpick or seem like a drama queen. I know I'm not the easiest person to live with either. I try to put myself in his shoes, and imagine what it would be like if I was the one trying to initiate relations with him, and always get shot down. I would feel like crap, I would feel bad about myself. But it doesn't make it easier on myself when I simply don't want sex. To make myself have sex with my bf even though I am not in the mood, it almost feels like I am raping myself. Does that make any sense?

[shutupandcolour]

It makes perfect sense. I'm up the same tree, just on a different branch. My husband is...kind of overly affectionate haha. He's always been that way. Hugs and kisses me A LOT, which I think to some extent has taken away some meaning to it. But when he doesn't do it to "give me space", I worry.

I had edited my previous post to a most awesome bit of advice, but it timed out and wouldn't let me post it then. Now I've got to try and jerry rig it back together.

Your relationship sounds eerily identical to mine (minus the alcohol bit with him). My relationship is good---he treats me well and does good things for me, often unprovoked and with nothing expected in return. However we struggle romantically (mostly my fault), which inadvertently causes my mind to wander elsewhere. I think our relationship has transcended into a very strong friendship and I've "friendzoned" him, and the idea of having sex with him just grosses me out....and there's nothing wrong with him. We've got some bad wiring in other aspects of our relationship that have caused my sexual fuse to blow.

From what you've said, you love no strings attached affection. Those are as much of your needs as sex is to his and the two often closely follow each other. Talk to him about spending genuine time together. Talk to him why it's important for you emotionally and physically to just share affection. I usually roll my eyes at PDA but it does have its function....when I feel adventurous and hold my husbands hand or cling to his arm when we walk around the mall or whatever, in some weird way its my way of saying "this piece of man meat right here is mine and only mine". And he knows that. And it makes him feel good that I'm showing....... possession?? and pride. People like being flaunted.

I think if you were to talk to your boyfriend about more just love, affection, and hardy bonding, it'll rekindle a spark in your sex life.

[Snitfit]

We have tried having that conversation. I know we have to have it again. We have a lot of good intentions, and we try...but we usually wind up doing the same thing every night with no change. I guess that's why I haven't left yet, because we haven't quite given up yet. In fact, as soon as I am done typing this, I am going to dig out my art supplies because we said we wanted to try doing something creative together. I guess I gotta force the change myself huh. I do need a new connection...I write poetry and I am a big reader, these are passions of mine which he encourages but doesn't exactly share.

[shutupandcolour]

There's having conversations and then there's enforcing conversations. Enforce what you agree to. Create a routine for some things just to get over the hump of having to do it. I HATED having to create a schedule with my husband to be split between time from his PC and best friend to spend with just me....we forced ourselves to do it....every Sunday & Wednesday was dedicated to just us. After getting over the "I'm doing this because I have to" we started to really have fun again and things started to come back together naturally. We made time for each other as it became available instead of being scheduled. That really turned some things around.

We talk a lot too....if anybody were to listen to us we'd sound like the most functional, loving couple ever. Meh. But applying what we've talked about was always the hard part. We literally had to force out our plans and hoped they'd remind us of love. Sometimes it didn't and just became a monotonous routine we'd have to stop, other times it flourished into valuable time we anticipated.

He doesn't exactly have to share your passions but it's a good thing he supports. Sometimes that means more than sharing the same interests. But like you mentioned with the art supplies....find something ya'll agreed to do together and just make it happen. Cut loose and be yourselves with each other. There are bukus of stupid tiny stepping stones to progress to each new development. Just find something that works for ya'll and make it happen. If it just isn't fun for either of you, stop and try something else. This will decrease stress and allow you to bond and maybe restore your missing connections with him, that could in turn help your sex life