[micheane]

I've always considered my self a "good girl", and in all honesty I wasn't interested in sex and find it kind of disgusting, an ex ruined it for me when he pressured me into having sex and I didn't want to, he would try and force my head down to his ... "area", in a nut shell I have issues with sex and body image. and I never forgave myself for going against my values and had sex before marriage, and that was years ago. I am now married and have a son, sex became fun before I got pregnant but now it seems more like a chore. He is trying to spice our love life up, he is trying to get me to go down n him or whatever its called, but I have never done that, and every time he asks me all I can see is that ex who tried to force me to and I freeze and get scared, im tired of living in the past, and want to have a great sex life with my husband, so I need sex tips, im a total.... I don't know, I guess cluts in the bed, I don't know what to do, sex is boring for me, how do I break out of my shy self and actually have fun in bed?!im tired of acting like a little school girl taking her first sex ed class, and how do I stop gaging after we do have sex?

[rcoreyus]

There are books that will give you a lot of suggestions. Back in my day "the joy of sex" was a good example, I'm sure there are newer books now. That will give you ideas to work with and help understand what things might be fun to try. You can also try watching videos - again to get an idea of how to do things.

Attitude and communication are more important than technique. If he has asked for things, then you have an excuse to ask as well. At first it doesn't need to be "sex", it could be a massage over your whole body. Take lots of time - explore each other with fingers and lips - see what feels nice.

Let him know about your bad experience. Then maybe you can try again if he agrees not to in any way pressure you or hold your head. Kiss him all over and move onto gently giving him oral sex. You don't need to "deep throat" or take more than just the tip of his penis in your mouth - use your hands to do most of the work. Then tell him what you want - he may be very willing to please you, but doesn't know what you like.

All this assumes that he wants to please you in bed. If not, then that is a different issue.

[CoolBreeze]

Micheane sex is a very beautiful and human thing. However, no one has the right to pressure you into anything. It might have left a negative residual effect on your perception about sex. It's understandable. It was the fault of your ex who didn't have enough empathy to realize when you wanted it or when you didn't. As females our intuition is much better in discerning when a man is really tuned into our feelings. The one's that are, readily know when we are ready. Don't pressurize your self into doing something that you are not feeling comfortable about. Sex is not something to be done but to be enjoyed. First you have to be comfortable with your own sexuality, don't allow anyone else to dictate what a good girl is supposed to be. Your sexuality is yours and only yours to define. After that step you can gradually start being as naughty as you like. You will surprise your self once you tap into that inner sexual energy. Afterwards sky is the limit. Wish you a happy and healthy life.

[CoolBreeze]

Additionally I would advise going through Nina Hartley's instructional books and material on how to spice up your intimate life. Her tips are some of the best out there.

[Emswifty]

Hi Michaene,
I felt the same to do with my sex life before I meant my current partner. I have had some bad experiences that I still have to work hard to let go.
Just breifly - it's super important to be open with your partner. Tell him the images you get and the bad thoughts. Discuss your feelings to do with anything to do with sex. It's also good to share what you both want from your sex life. I have found that this has brought us so much closer and it's clear what he wants me to do. I find it very arousing now to arouse him, it's a complete turn around.
Also, don't be afraid to start oral sex slowly and just do little bits at a time that you're comfortable with. Ask him as you do it if he likes what you're doing and what else he'd like you to do. Most guys like being asked and knowing you want to do what he wants.
You might find that you like doing it! I was the same and now I'm willing to try anything with my partner. And don't forget that it's a two way street! Tell him what you want him to do and how you want it done.
Hope this helps!
Em

[jns]

micheane, does your husband give you oral? I ask this because some women use a sense of fairness that if the guy brings them to orgasm from oral, then they want to return the gift. I would suppose that you may have been taught that your husband giving you oral is bad or its dirty or its unnatural or its like animals or etc. It is none of those. Maybe allowing your husband to explore more of your body and exploring more of his will allow you to see that many of the things you were taught are not true.