[Littleone13]

Hi everyone. I'm posting this because I honestly have no where else to turn and need some guidance. I'm going to try and condense this and give you the bare minimum lol.

I'm 20 years old and last fall the person I was then dating tried to rape me. He did not fully penetrate me but the pain I experienced was horrible and nothing I ever want to experience again. He also tried to choke me. The only reason it stopped was because his roommates happened to (thankfully) come home.

Fast forward to now, I have a lovely boyfriend. He's the first person I've actually had the desire to have sex with since the incident. We have discussed at length what we are into sexually, and prior to this I was very experimental and enjoyed roughness. I haven't told him about what happened and I feel like I need to.

He has no issues turning my on but as soon as he tries to finger me or anything my entire body tenses up and push him away. I'm afraid this is what's going to happen when we try to have sex and we might be unsuccessul and he might think it's his fault. We were planning on having sex tomorrow night but as the time gets closer I get more and more panicked.

I don't know how to bring it up. I don't want to talk about it in depth, I just want him to know that he needs to be gentle and take his time. Because I honestly don't know if ill even be able to have him penetrate me the first time :/

I feel terrible because I do want to have sex with him badly, but I feel bad for making him wait longer (he hasn't had sex in a long time as it is) and I keep putting it off. I'm scared he's just going to get tired and leave if I'm not honest.

How can I tell him? Should I do it in person?

[rcoreyus]

I think its best to tell him in person. Any reasonable man would react with sympathy and would completely understand why you want to take things slowly. If it is just intercourse that stresses you, then do other things for a while. If you don't tell him, he may think that there is some problem with him (men can have very fragile egos).

BTW: you are not in any way required to tell him if you don't want to. I just think that overall it would be better if you did.

Separate from that, some people do better after counseling. I'm sure you know that your rape was in no way your fault.

[jns]

rc has provided a good answer. Best wishes.

[lotos]

I've been raped twice in my life. The first time was when I was 5 yrs old. It wasn't rape with penetration, but with fingers but it was awful for a child that doesn't even understand. From that moment I was thinking that sex and anything that has to do with sex is disgusting and sick. Then, I got raped a second time when I was 16. I had really hard times after that, I couldn't stand even a touch from a man, let alone a relationship. Then, I found a guy I fell in love with, but I didn't have the courage to tell him. I forced myself to have sex with him, but I couldn't. My vagina's muscles were so tighten that he wasn't able to penetrate. Or if he was able, it hurt like hell. For years I was only able to have anal sex. Then, with another guy I decided to tell him, and... he left me, because I "was impure".

But I was really sure that I will have normal sex only if my partner knew. So, years later I finally found a guy who I was able to tell everything and who understood me, and he was gentle and didn't forced me into sex until I was ready and that really helped me. Now I am able to make normal sex, I only have troubles with the position in which I was raped the second time. It just reminds me of the rape so I still can't do sex in that particular position.

Just don't be afraid to tell him, if he is the right guy he will understand and he will help you, intentionally or not.

[starjoy08]

6 years ago I fell in love and I was confronted with the fact that I could either tell the man of dreams the true or lie and suck it up. I had had many bad sexual experiences in my past but wanted to have good sex! I decided to tell the man of my dreams that I had had bad experiences and didn't really want to tell him about it. He was great. He said that it was in the past and he took it slow. Now I am married to him and sometimes I wish I could tell him the truth. He is open with his past sex life but I am still scared to do so. I wish I had told him the true in the beginning just to get it over with.

I would sit down and tell your man the truth. If you don't want to go into details, he should understand. If he doesn't respect you, then he is not worth it. Tell him in person , just be honest and open!

[jns]

starjoy, you have been sucking it up long enough. Since it is still on your mind, it is undoubtedly slowly poisoning your relationship. You should seek counseling to help you cope with telling your husband or alternately, driving it deeper so it only affects your subconscious and that not so much.

Your husband deserves a truthful wife and you deserve to be truthful with your husband.

[Little]

I'm a rape survivor who has gone on to have a healthy sex life. Every survivor will react differently to the abuse and will heal differently.

It sounds like telling will help YOU, and you're hoping it will help your partner. That's great. I too suggest telling him in person. It is a culturally-charged thing to have happened to you, and as you may already know, some people do not react well to it, in one way or another. Some people will call you "impure" like the previous poster, some won't believe you, some will put the blame on you. Hopefully your partner won't do any of those. But there are other negative reactions, like talking about revenge ("I'll kill that guy if I see him!" etc.) Prepare for an upsetting reaction. Do not expect to be intimate directly after.

Personally I find that talking (verbally) about my rape is "triggering," making me fixate on the event in an unhealthy way and bringing up bad memories. Saying the word rape out loud is also very difficult for me. If you think you might have the same troubles, you can try writing a letter, delivering it in person, and staying while he reads it. You can include all the information you want to share and write that you don't want to talk about it further or share more details.

It's your experience to live with and heal from. Prepare for the worst - some people just have a hard time comprehending that these awful things DO happen to people they know/love - but hope for the best. I'll be hoping for you too.

[Littleone13]

Thank you everyone for your replies

I did end up telling him. If nothing else, it made me feel better knowing that I had been honest and he would understand if I told him to stop. He was very sweet and supportive, and was glad I was open and honest with him about it. He said we could go as slow or as fast I liked and he would stop anytime I felt uncomfortable.

We didnt have sex, but I let him finger me which is an improvement. I feel like I'm ready to take the next step now that he knows and I'm confident that he will be gentle and stop if I say so.

Also, I'm sorry to the others who have been through the same thing <3