[MissUnderstood84]

So here's my situation...I'm 29, my now fiance of (boyfriend for 12 years first) (we've been on and off a few years in between) is 31. He's not my first, but I'm his first. He's never been with anyone else before except me. I've been with a few guys (I've had two one night stands with friends but other than that the other guys were my boyfriends)

I'm not a shot so please don't think of me that way. One guy I started 3 years before getting back with my man I'm with new. The reason we were on and off for 12 years is because I have a serious problem with being held down. But I also have a problem with being alone.

I also have a problem with intimacy which is why I am writing right now.

Let me start off by saying that what I'm about to say is very hard for me and not many people know about this. But I feel that letting my secret out will help me...

I was molested by my step grandfather. My father's step father. I blocked a lot of my childhood memories so I can't recall a lot of stuff. But I am deathly afraid of him. No one believes me because he's the type of person that everyone loves. My grandma knew about it and refused to say or acknowledge what was going on.

But anyways, when I got older, he stopped molesting me. guess he only liked young girls. I still have nightmares about it. My fiance believes me.

My thing is that I have intimacy issues. I've had...well still have a hard time with receiving oral sex. I love getting it, but I freak out when I get too excited and I make my fiance stop. I don't know why. It causes me great sadness. I want my fiance to pleasure me but I just can't help it.

Another thing that really bothers me is that I cheated on my fiance (not in 5 years) but I can't help it...he knows about it...and he understands it...my therapists say it happens with sexual abuse. But I just don't like it. It hurts me. I love sex and I hate hurting my fiance. I am so confused to why I'm like this. Now that I have a two year old, it's been easier not to cheat. But all I want is sex.

Another thing, the guy I lost my virginity to (at 16) abused me, raped me, got me pregnant, then threw me down stairs and I miscarried...he still gets my number, texts me, and tries to tell me he changed...I admit he's different, but I'm still scared.

He talks me he misses me that he wants to make love to me and make me feel good like a man should make a woman feel. He used to make me feel good when we had sex. He was the only one I could have oral sex with and stuff...I don't know why...he wasn't always that bad, I think a friend got him that way...but anyways, he tells me he wants to make me cum and scream...I get really uncomfortable but also really turned on...why is that?

He's really sexy and send me pictures of himself...he sexts with me and we have sex with the web cam...I tell my fiance that my ex intimates me and we've tried to get a restraining order but they say there is nothing they can do...

Why do I keep doing this? I hate myself. I don't love anyone but my fiance....I thankfully haven't heard from my ex in two months...but what happens if he tries something again?

Someone please help me...I just need to know that I'm not alone....I'm so depressed because of how I am. My fiance wants to get married but I can't do that until I get help...he says he loves me just the way I am...

[BabyGirl]

Some answers lie with this statement.

my therapists say

You need to continue to see a Therapist.

Another thing, the guy I lost my virginity to (at 16) abused me, raped me, got me pregnant, then threw me down stairs and I miscarried...he still gets my number, texts me, and tries to tell me he changed...I admit he's different, but I'm still scared.

Change your #, Do Not contact him or reply if he tries to contact you.

He's really sexy and send me pictures of himself...he sexts with me and we have sex with the web cam...I tell my fiance that my ex intimates me and we've tried to get a restraining order but they say there is nothing they can do...

Why do you sext and Web cam with a person that Raped you and caused you to miscarry ?
You need to stop ALL COMMUNICATION with this Rapist and Child Murderer !!!!

My fiance wants to get married but I can't do that until I get help...he says he loves me just the way I am...

You are very lucky to have someone who Loves you like this . Don't mess it up with your past .
There is Nothing you can do to change the Past.. But you can Guide your Future by not repeating the past .

Continue Therapy, that's the Help you need and Know you Need. When you were young you had no Control over your Life.. Now you do .. Only YOU can pick up that Phone and Sext Back or reply, Only YOU can turn on that Web Cam.
Right now the Ex is not the one Abusing you.. You are Self Abusing, by allowing any Contact with him .

You have a Child now... It's time to take Responsibility and be the Best Mother You Can Be. This being done by Changing yourself, accepting the Therapy, Learning to be Loved by Fiance and to Stop allowing the Past to rule your life.

And Most Importantly.. Recognizing You have the Power to Love Yourself.

But all I want is sex.

Like many young Abused people, they tend to still believe Sex is Love. It's not !! But Sex can be great when Given and Shared by people in Loving Relationships. Try to change your mindset to " All I Want Is Love ". The Good and Positive Sex will come from that Love and Trust you build with your Fiance.

Why do I keep doing this? I hate myself.

It's time to Stop Hating Yourself and Start Healing Yourself.
Again, you are in Control Now.
Time to make decisions that you can Live with,that you know are Healthy for you .

I wish you the best of Luck . It's not an easy road.. But you can do this and end up happy .

[MissUnderstood84]

Help please

[BabyGirl]

Today, 10:30 AM
I attempted to help.
I did ask some questions and Hopefully did not offend.
Maybe my " help " is not whats needed and Others can Reply . ?

MissUnderstood84Today, 11:54 AM
Help please

We / I have been having some Site issues, but I'm sure it will be fixed soon

[starjoy08]

It sounds like you are doing the right things by talking about your feelings! I think that your feelings are valid and you are not alone.

[MissUnderstood84]

Thank you...I just feel sad I can't have oral sex...I feel like I'm not a real woman...but I have gotten a lot better since me and fiancé have talked about things, but I just want to be normal

[jns]

It sounds like your ex was a bad person to you as was your molester (understatement). It sounds like you subconsciously equate that to not being in control of the situation and as such are not responsible for your reactions, which allows you to release, but it makes you feel used and/or dirty. You are more of an equal in your relationship with your fiance, so you stop oral sex before climaxing, subconsciously showing you are in control.

You might look into therapy to try to alter this situation. You might need a psychologist to determine a proper regime of treatments. Good luck.