[Golfer]

Hi there

Iv'e been with my girlfriend for 8 months but there is a slight problem with our compatibility in the bedroom department. I'm 41 and she is 28 and she has a very low sex drive. When we first met i remember her telling me that she had a low sex drive and didn't want it all the time but as we were in the honeymoon period we were at it like rabbits, morning,noon & night.
Now it's started to dwindle to once maybe twice a week which i don't think is too bad but it constantly plays on my mind and makes me think i'm doing something wrong. She's very sexy and my libido has shot through the roof to be honest but it annoys her sometimes that i'm trying it on so much.
I have tried to talk to her about it and she says she doesn't really think about sex that much but once we get started she really enjoys it (which she does and as far as i know always has). She got upset once and told me something happened in the past which made her like that but will not tell me what. i can understand what she is saying and have a rough idea what she is talking about i would like her to open up and get it off her chest but she just clams up and doesn't even look or talk to me so it's definately deep rooted in my opinion.
Apart from that we have a good relationship, we live together, spend all our free time together, have kisses, cuddles, shower and bath together, laugh and joke etc.She's just not a talker and keeps it all in.
I would appreciate some honest advice please and not just "Oh just get rid of her and find somebody else" or "go get a hooker" as i dont want to.
Everybody has problems at times, iv'e had plenty but always found that talking to someone, just getting it off your chest can work wonders and not go down the route of taking medication if you know what i mean. We had both come out of bad relationships with our last partners, mine 15yrs, hers 7yrs.
I understand something has happened to her but it would make a lot more sense to me if she would summon up the courage to tell me what as i'm no psycologist. I hope i have not come accross as insensitive because i'm not.

Thank you for taking time out to read this.

[jns]

If she had something bad happen in the past, you will have to wait until she is comfortable telling you. She may want to be assured that you love her for being herself and not mainly for sex. She may also be scared of running you off if she lets it out. Alternately, it could dredge up memories that she has buried away because they are painful. What do you think it is? You two could try counseling or therapy to help with your pasts, although probably not together.

[rcoreyus]

A relationship with mismatched levels of interest in sex is a huge problem. Sometimes it just gets better, often not. If she thinks this is due to some event in her past, is she willing to seek counseling?

If you search other posts you will find lots of discussions here of this issue. Most of the time it doesn't end well. The person who wants more sex feels constantly rejected and resentful. The one who wants less feels constantly harassed, and starts to think that all their partner wants in sex. So, I'm not quite going to tell you to leave, but I think you do need to fix it if you want a happy long term relationship.

[Golfer]

Thank you both for your replies
*jns
I think that maybe she was sexually abused at some point in her life and going by her reactions that them memories are very painful to her, i'll try to take it easy for the coming days/ weeks and just see how it goes.
*recoreyus
I haven't yet suggested counselling but may well do if it carries on. "The person who wants more sex feels constantly rejected and resentful. The one who wants less feels constantly harassed, and starts to think that all their partner wants in sex"
That is spot on, she actually said to me the other week that i was harassing her for sex and i was shocked. That was when i started to look on the internet for answers as it made me feel like some pervert.

It didn't bother me during the last couple of years with my ex, the things she did made me not want to go anywhere near her, maybe once every few weeks at most but that's a different story altogether.
I have looked on quite a few threads and i will continue to read through more in the hope of understanding it all and anymore advice is very welcome

Thanks

[skyecountrygril]

My best friend was sexually abused as a child/teenager, and that is as much as I know and her husband knows, its something she has buried deep inside and refuses point blank to discuss. I haven't and wont speak to her husband about it as I don't want to go behind her back, but I do know whenever our group of girlfriends brings up sex things she instantly becomes distant and makes excuses to leave or get the drinks. What I would suggest is over the next couple of weeks is to make her feel as secure as possible, as some women like 'sex' where its rough and dirty but I know from speaking to my friend she finds this pretty revolting and much prefers the softer, romantic 'vanilla' love making act and maybe if you treat sex like this sensual romantic act, along with gentle strokes (avoid like, *** slapping ect) for a few weeks she will begin to diminish the past scaring memories and begin to trust and find comfort in you. 8 months is still a fairly new relationship so it may take time, but from posting on here you sound as if your really willing to work though this and love take care of the girl. All the best to you, I hope this helps somehow!