[MeganC818]

My Fiance & I have been together for over a year now. The first 7 months of our relationship sexually were amazing. Sex ALL the time. at least 4-5 times a week (which is a lot given our schedules).

It has now died down. Completely actually. I've tried talking to him about it, I've tried dressing up, I've tried JUST pleasuring him...but every single time, I am rejected.

I started getting suspicious. So I went through the history on our shared computer. He watches porn videos as soon as I'm either out of the house, or he'll stay up after I go to bed, and watch them. I confronted him, and he says he doesn't pleasure himself to them, he just watches them.

I feel so gross, and undesirable because of all of this. I want my future husband to want me. It hurts greatly for the man you love to reject you constantly.

Any suggestions on what I can do to get him in the mood? Or how I can figure out what is going on?

I am so lost, and I am at the point of even questioning if marriage is a good idea. Although our relationship (non sexually) is wonderful, I don't think I can be truly happy with someone that can't bare to have sex with me.

HELP! =(

[jslater]

I'm not sure this is just a problem of getting him in the mood. The fact that he is constantly rejecting you is very concerning. It's not just a lack of sex...it's a lack of intimacy. You mention you have tried talking to him. Have you been completely honest with him about this problem? It's not unreasonable to confront him about this. I would suggest to you to tell him how you feel...that he hasn't touched you in several months, that he rejects all your advances and you want to know why. If this is a person who could see marrying one day, you have to get to the bottom as to why he is treating you this way. You mention that the relationship (non sexually) is wonderful. Can you describe that relationship? Do you guys kiss when your together...do you hug, embrace each other... cuddle on the couch...is there any physical touching aside from sex? If your answering no to these questions...it's not so much a wonderful relationship but rather a good friendship. It's vital to your relationship that both of you talk about this and open up those lines of communication. Communication is everything in maintaining a healthy relationship and if he shuts you down and refuses to talk...you really have to decide if you want to continue to endure a problem that isn't going to fix itself or give him a sobering ultimatum. Your right in that you can't be truly happy the way things are and that's exactly why you have to take control of the situation and put him on notice.

[Giuseppe]

If your boyfriend is telling you that he is only watching the porn and not pleasuring himself to it. He is probably not being honest with you. I know of no male who watches porn, just to watch it without pleasuring himself at some point. Also seeing that you searched the history of his internet use. Don't be surprised if he was upset that you invaded his privacy. I'm sure he was probably embarrassed too. I am by no means saying the way he is treating you is ok and I understand why your searching...but like jslater said, it probably would have been better to have pushed the communication issue. Since he is your fiancé, he asked you to marry him for a reason ( I presume he asked you) and I would ask him again why he wants to marry you if he can't even touch you anymore. The fact that you dress up for him and have tried to pleasure JUST him and he still turns you down is a HUGE problem. Something is seriously wrong with him. There has to be a reason for it and you can't read his mind. I agree, if he can't be honest and open with you...you should probably walk. A marriage is full of so many challenges and it has to start out strong to weather the storms life is going to throw at you. Letting this go, is like building a house with a crack already in the foundation. I'm so sorry you feel gross and undesirable. I know it's easier said than done but try not to let his actions define you. A husband should make a wife feel beautiful, needed, desired, protected...and the bottom line is your not even married and he is failing at that task already. You really need to take some time and rethink things.

[LilahX]

Sorry, but if the sex has died off after such a short time and there is no intimacy, I don't know if it can be rekindled. Lust doesn't last for too long and unless there is true deep feeling there as well then there isn't much left. This is not the way to start a life together. It's very easy to confuse lust with love, especially in the early days so please, think deeply about your situation and do what's going to be best for you in the long run.

[Estelle 81]

Hi Megan,
I'm really sorry to say it but you should end things now, while you can. Things were just the same for my husband and I and it sounds really bad as I love him but I never should have married him. Please don't make the same mistake as me.

My husband is lovely and says he finds me attractive but he too used to use porn too much ... not long before we were about to get married I found out he had gone out to find a prostitute (didn't do anything just went there and then felt bad). I said I really thought I couldn't go through with it (and was even crying on the way to arrange date etc with priest...saying I thought we shouldn't do it) but he promised to stop looking at the porn and pay me more attention instead. He did stop the porn obsession and think he has kept to it but we might as well be friends. We might have sex every 2 months if I'm lucky, when we do it is great but I feel unattractive and unwanted all the time. When we have sex I wonder if he is just doing it to keep me happy, I often used to cry after sex (he doesn't know this) as felt like I had made him,. He doesn't want to recieve oral sex but will give it.

I never could understand why anyone would self harm but I have found myself contemplating it often. I think if I made scars and made myself ugly then I would understand why he doesn't want me...I know this is stupid and am sure I won't but being in a sexless marrige with very little contact has made me feel like this.

I thought things would get better but they didn't, we both want kids now but how can we when we don't have sex??! We went to the doctors and they said we need to have sex every 2 days, when they said this I just gave up on having a family. I feel I am attractive, as I am sure you are, lots of men pay me attention. It is not like me at all but I am frequently thinking about other men in a sexual way and think I may have an affair. As a catholic I would feel guilty forever if I did. i feel marrige is forever and so don't feel I can divorce and marry again.

SERIOUSLY PLEASE DON'T MARRY THIS MAN UNTIL THINGS GET BETTER. IT MIGHT FEEL LIKE YOU CAN'T CANCEL OR THAT THINGS WILL GET BETTER BUT WHAT IF THEY DON'T? It is like being single but with no hope of having sexual relations with anybody ever again! We saw a sex therapist and all sorts (whilst going out...before prostitute). Please don't end up like me! xxx

[PhrendlyPhil]

MeganC818:

You are not alone. There is a thread in this forum called "men who prefer masturbation to sex" which you may find very informative. I am quite certain that internet porn (and porn in general) affects millions of couples and mostly in an adverse way. Please note: the stimuli from porn (and masturbation) and the stimuli from sex with a lover are utterly different - the first is an anonymous, visual, solo stimulation devoid of any emotion, the latter is a shared experience requiring at least some investment of emotion, cooperation, etc (even if the pleasuring is exclusively for him). Here are some suggestions to wean him off the porn and bring him back to you (give each step a bit of time):

1. Prepare for an open discussion with him about his interest in porn. By this I mean do a little homework into what he's watching (what sites, what genres, etc). Then watch some of those scenes yourself so that you can see what he sees.

2. Have a discussion with him about what he likes about watching porn (it will all be somehow related to the anonymous, emotionless stuff above). This is going to be difficult for him because he now has to expose to you what has been private to him. Gently continue this discussion until he opens up. If necessary inject a bit of humor, drama, tears (whatever it takes). This is a critical first step. Encourage him to be as graphic as possible.

3. Tell him that you want to watch some porn with him. Encourage him to masturbate to the porn scene while you watch (both him and the scene). Try to become fascinated with his pleasure. This is a big step for him because your mere presence adds a commitment of emotion. If he will let you, join him by pleasuring yourself while he masturbates - you're now adding a visual stimulus for him that is not in the porn scene. Be somewhat audible while pleasuring yourself (if its not already natural for you) - this adds another stimulus for him. If he succeeds in getting off to the porn with you present, you've made significant progress. (Don't stimulate him directly with your hand or mouth just yet).

4. Tell him you don't mind him watching porn (or masturbating) but that you want to be present when he does. Make sure you get a commitment out of him. Tell him you're available for this 24/7 and that you want to be there with him every time he has the urge. If has the urge while you're away tell him to call you on the phone and stimulate him with phone sex. If he has the urge while you're asleep tell him it's ok to wake you.

5. Now you be his porn queen. Stimulate him with your hand or mouth (or both). When he ejaculates let it fly all over the place (that's what he's been seeing in the porn scenes). He needs to know its ok to do this with YOU.

6. Vaginal sex: Finally - get him back in you. The sensation of your vagina stimulating his penis to climax is the goal. THIS IS THE STIMULUS TO WHICH YOU WANT HIM TO REACCLIMATE. Its the great emotion filled sex that you both enjoyed at the beginning of your relationship. With some commitment and effort from both of you, you can reclaim it.

[happygolucky90]

Porn can be fun - if it's watched together occasionally...

I have a similar problem and I don't believe porn is our problem but I'm definitely putting off marriage until I can figure out if it's either something I can deal with forever or if it's changed.

I advise you to stand your ground. Hold out on the wedding until you can think clearly about this: sex and money are the leading causes of divorce.

[hot amy]

I agree with phrendlyPhil watch some porn with him. Encourage him to masturbate to the porn scene. seat him in front of the T/V or where ever you view ,and wearing very little go down on him when he is ready again after he has masturbated caress his penis and slowly go down on him and go up and down his member finally returning to the top to take it all in your mouth and give him a real good job come on girl you must know how to do it. Ask him then to give you oral sex. after your cum goes into his mouth he will forget all the T/V porn and he should be well into you by then

[ItsAllAboutTheGirl]

It sounds like your fiancé is definitely addicted to porn. I also struggle with porn addiction would say he needs to realize his problem and seek help. You also need to understand you are a codependent to his addiction and need to choose wether or not to work through this with him. Porn addiction is VERY difficult to recover from and it will severely affect his relationship with you. You can search the internet for "your brain on porn" to get an idea of what he's dealing with.

In all respect to those that posted to try and embrace porn or watch it with him this is akin to having a drink with an alcoholic. Do not do this. It sounds very much like he is an addict and needs to seek help and completely remove porn from his life. It's up to you to stay with him in the hopes that he recovers. Best of luck.

[jen1447]

Sorry to step on anyone's toes here but I think we all have a tendency to project our own situations and experiences on other people. From what she said, all we really know is that the OP (who isn't posting anymore lol) has a fiancee who stopped having regular sex with her rather suddenly and started watching porn. I don't think we can jump to the conclusion that he has a porn addiction. There are any number of things that could be responsible ...low self esteem, performance anxiety, insecurity, etc. Maybe somehow he got it in his head that he's inferior and he's not doing it right. Who knows? Sometimes men put a lot of pressure on themselves to 'perform' like some kind of superhero, and the slightest thing (premature ejaculation, unexpected erectile disfunction) can throw their circuits off.

OP says he doesn't masturbate to porn - maybe that's true and he has a physiological issue. Just saying it could be anything.

Megan, I don't know to suggest anything other than communication or maybe counseling if it doesn't resolve, but I think there's good news - if he found you hot enough for the sex to be superhot before, it's unlikely he suddenly stopped finding you hot. I assume you didn't suddenly turn un-hot overnight. If that's the case, then whatever it is, it's not your fault. Or more specifically, it's not that you're lacking in hotness.

Hotness is many things, not the least of which is confidence. Embrace being a hottie (be it and believe it) and he might fall back in with a little encouragement. Hopefully he already has and the reason you haven't replied is that you can't make it out of the bedroom.