[Fedupwife]

I've been married 10 years, been in marriage counseling for 7 of those. We both have been abused in our past, so there's issues, but my husband is addicted to sex and I hate it. Every once in a while is fine I guess, but honestly I don't get it. He is the only one I have ever actually had sex with. I pretty much know what my problem is. I feel like I should be loved, respected by him and trust him, but honestly I don't, because of many stupid things he's done to me over the course of our marriage (i.e. lap dances at strip clubs, drug/alcohol addiction problems off and on, left to go to his recording studio with me in the hospital having our first child, putting everything before me, etc.) he's been a changed man over the last few months, but the scars are still there...

The counselor, who is great, keeps telling us we both are on opposite ends of the spectrum and we need to move more toward the middle to meet each other in the middle, and neither of us are very good at that. The problem is I have a definition of what sex is that, I'm assuming, I'm the only person in the world has. If he's treated me like crap, I don't want to. If I feel like I'm not his top priority, he can go far away from me.

Because of these issues, even a simple kiss or hug seems loaded with expectation, and it's gotten to the point where we don't even do that. The truth is I'm tired of fighting about this. DONE. I am also not willing to divorce. I don't feel like its there for me. I love him and we have everything else going great, it's just intimacy and sex. With all that being said, I am really looking for tips on how to like sex/intimacy. How do I turn off all these emotions that are over dramatic and just have sex? How do I like oral? With Porn? Does anyone else have this problem? Is it just a chore? Please help.

[Obelisk]

I can see why you wouldn't want sex with your husband after he's been to strip clubs and done drugs/alcohol, etc etc.

You said that he is changing though. Can you elaborate on this?

[jns]

A psychologist may be able to design a conditioning program that will lessen or eliminate your response to even the hint of intimacy by your husband.

[PhrendlyPhil]

Buy him the book "The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011." Nearly every man who reviewed this book on Amazon attests that the suggestions in the book vastly improved his sex life and his wife's happiness.

[Fedupwife]

He's doing more to help with the house and kids, you know, focused more on family. He knows what he did was wrong and is just now really coming to the light on how severe things were and how badly they affected me. However, he has an addictive personality that jumps from one addiction to the next, so sometimes that's sex. He says he doesn't expect anything from me later on in the bedroom, even mid hug he says it, but when we get there and it doesn't happen, he's mad. He wants it all better right now and I feel like its gonna take time. Either way I'm done arguing about it, I just want that part of my brain shut off so we can have sex and he can be happy and leave me the hell alone about it.