[Reyalla]

Hi everyone...

Ok so I'll just spell it out. The only real orgasms I've ever had are ones I have in my sleep. I usually wake up mid-orgasm when that happens. And I love that... why? Because I'm actually orgasming. At no other time have I experienced that sensation.

I've never told a lover about this. My current boyfriend of 5 years has no idea that I've just faked it to seem somewhat 'normal' or something. I know that's awful... and I feel bad about it. But I have no idea what to do. I can't even get myself off, how can I expect him to? He knows I have trouble with masturbation, but that's as much as I've said. I have no idea how I would break it to him now... it feels like I've betrayed him so much.

I was brought up in a household that told me nothing about female masturbation, and a religion that basically said girls shouldn't touch themselves and sex means you've sinned. Trust me, I am SO angry about this combination of a sexual 'upbringing'. I never even tried masturbating until my mid-twenties. And I'm AWFUL at it. Just awful. I get super awkward with myself. I get turned off within a matter of minutes. I am already frustrated before I even get very far. Even when I barrel through that and keep trying to stimulate, it's just doing nothing. I don't even get close. I don't even know how to get turned on and stay that way. I have no idea what to think about. My mind sort of fixates on that whole, you never orgasm and that's ridiculous thing. I'm freaking 27 years old and the only orgasms I've ever had were in my sleep. I'm angry about this. And anger isn't going to help at all. I know I should try to relax and not think about reaching the finish line, etc... but it's one thing to know what to do and an entirely other thing to actually be able to do it. I feel like I'm just doomed to be an orgasmless woman for the remainder of my life. I honestly wish I were asexual. At least then I wouldn't care about this at all.

I'm not even sure what I'm asking for. I suppose advice. I just want to be able to stop pretending some day.

[jns]

The good news is that you orgasm and know what one feels like. The bad news is that your bf thinks he has been doing a good job all along. It will be devastating for him to hear this. I hope he is the type to get over it and work hard on getting you to orgasm for real. I would tell him except if he is one of those people who can't handle the truth.

A lot of people have religious upbringing that tells them that sex is only for procreation and any other version is sinful. Many of them get over it, kind of like finding out that Santa isn't real. I acknowledge that it is worse than the Santa thing. Try to get over the anger. It is probably interfering with you making progress, because it is an easy excuse.

You have to work on mentally letting go. Maybe your bf can take over the stimulation while you work on letting go. Possibly he playing a dominant role could let you release. After all, you would not be in charge, so you wouldn't be accountable for your reactions. I hope he has a gentle touch and can read the signs that you are progressing toward orgasm. Of course, reading the signs correctly hasn't been what he has been doing.

Don't put down the female version of a wet dream. As a male, I believe wet dreams come out of the most perfectly sexual setting possible. Wet dreams come about when there is a lot of ongoing sexual tension without release. Your body finds a way to release.

[Reyalla]

I wasn't putting down the wet dream... I love it... it's the only release I ever get.

I have no idea what to tell him. Or how to bring it up. I wish there were some way to work on this without telling him, I really wish there were. He does do a good job... I think the problem probably lies exclusively with me and my brain.

[jen1447]

Misleading him further isn't going to work in the long run, unless you're prepared to hang onto those lies forever. But lies aren't the basis of a healthy relationship.

As to the orgasm problem, I'm really sorry that's happened to you. It sounds deeply ingrained ...you may want to consider seeking some professional counseling. Whatever happens, I hope you break free of those limitations soon and join the club. Membership is awesome. Don't worry sister - we're saving you a spot.

[rcoreyus]

I agree with other posters that misleading him isn't a good idea. One suggestion is that rather than try to have an orgasm as a goal, do, and have your husband do what feels nice at the moment.

Using a vibrator might help you orgasm, but may reduce your sensitivity so that it is the only way you can do so in the future.