[Bpariley]

Ok so my man and i have been together just under two years. Sex USED to be amazing, we had a great sex life it was never dull. In the last 6 months our sex life has dramatically changed. In the last 2 months IF we have sex its probably been oh maybe 4 times in the last 2 months. we went from having sex at least every other day sometimes daily or more to oh less than a full hand count a month! when we have had sex its been passionless and like its an effort or annoyance for him yet he can still get his and i'm left laying there just thinking to myself trying to figure out what the heck is wrong and with out getting mine.
I literally am to the point of asking if we can have sex, which kills it but i feel desperate.
i can try to turn him on try to initiate ANYTHING and get no response or 'i'm tired' or 'not today'
dosent matter no sex at all i can even offer to just perform for him and NOTHING.

i've actually hit the gym and lost weight and become a lot healthier. great so i'm feelin healthier looking healthier but so sexually frustrated its driving me crazy.

i try to talk to him about it and get no where. it is seriously killing our relationship though.

HELP!

[jen1447]

It's really amazing how frequently this comes up. I don't really know what to tell you though hon as apparently there are or may be deep psychological issues at the heart of these matters. Masturbate? Get a new guy? Give him an ultimatum? (20 orgasms per week or I'm gone! lol)

If you browse around just in the Sex forum here you'll find all kinds of threads about this. I hope you can fix it.

[Bpariley]

it just makes me so insecure too i hate it. i'm not an insecure type at all but it makes me feel so undesirable and my mind wanders askin myself if he's guilty of somethin yada yada ya....you know how you can just start over thinking and worrying, totally there. but also feeling totally neglected and annoyed and frustrated!

[atskitty2]

I always wonder in these situations if something isn't going wrong with the relationship outside the bedroom.
When it's such a drastic change in a relatively short time, it seems to me that's a sign of trouble elsewhere.

Are you communicating well and spending time as friends laughing and enjoying the things that brought you together? Having date nights or whatever romantic sort of things y'all did earlier on?

Then again, sometimes as we settle in to a relationship our comfort level relaxes and our natural inclinations come out. Could be this is more true to his preferences. I can't remember how long you said you'd been together...

Talk talk talk...communications are key. Good healthy communication that is.

[DreamP346]

Sorry to hear this. Based on my own experience and what others have written here, it doesn't improve. You have to ask yourself, would you be OK being in this relationship without sex for the rest of your life. If the answer is no, the only solution I have is to find somebody different.

[JonDoe]

Communicate. Discuss it with your partner outside of the bedroom. Talk to him in terms of how it makes you feel and what you need. Avoid telling him what he isn't doing or isn't doing right. In fact, make sure to tell him what he IS doing right, and what would make you even happier. By all means do not start the conversation with "We need to talk." - that always put the other person on the defensive.

Determine what your needs are, and what would be a deal breaker for you. Also determine a reasonable period of time to remain committed to making the relationship work. If he is either not willing to work at it or is not trying, then end the relationship. Do not assume it will get better because in some cases it won't, and the pain to end the relationship is short-term whereas a long-term sexless relationship can be unbearably devastating. There are plenty of people on this forum that can attest to that.

You mentioned losing weight. Is there anything significant that has changed, such as changing jobs, not getting a promotion, moving in together, losing a friend or family member, getting a new pet, etc?

While many people assume it is always the female partner that doesn't want sex as much, the opposite can be true too. I have a friend who has shared with me numerous times that she isn't getting what she needs from her husband, and we joke that we should swap spouses because I am not getting what I need from my wife. If life were only that simple.

[Bpariley]

I just feel so shut out. We do date gifts multiple times a week. We joke enjoy each other and get along better than we ever have.
The only sore subject is the sex if I try to bring it up and just gently talk to him about it he's on the defense and it gets stressful I end up dropping it to prevent it from escalating because he gets so upset about it. I just want to understand I don't pry I approach it gently and with care but he's so defensive it's like he's looking to make it a fight and it's not worth creating a fight over it

[Bpariley]

I always wonder in these situations if something isn't going wrong with the relationship outside the bedroom.
When it's such a drastic change in a relatively short time, it seems to me that's a sign of trouble elsewhere.

Are you communicating well and spending time as friends laughing and enjoying the things that brought you together? Having date nights or whatever romantic sort of things y'all did earlier on?

Then again, sometimes as we settle in to a relationship our comfort level relaxes and our natural inclinations come out. Could be this is more true to his preferences. I can't remember how long you said you'd been together...

Talk talk talk...communications are key. Good healthy communication that is.

I just feel so shut out. We do date gifts multiple times a week. We joke enjoy each other and get along better than we ever have.
The only sore subject is the sex if I try to bring it up and just gently talk to him about it he's on the defense and it gets stressful I end up dropping it to prevent it from escalating because he gets so upset about it. I just want to understand I don't pry I approach it gently and with care but he's so defensive it's like he's looking to make it a fight and it's not worth creating a fight over it

[Bpariley]

Communicate. Discuss it with your partner outside of the bedroom. Talk to him in terms of how it makes you feel and what you need. Avoid telling him what he isn't doing or isn't doing right. In fact, make sure to tell him what he IS doing right, and what would make you even happier. By all means do not start the conversation with "We need to talk." - that always put the other person on the defensive.

Determine what your needs are, and what would be a deal breaker for you. Also determine a reasonable period of time to remain committed to making the relationship work. If he is either not willing to work at it or is not trying, then end the relationship. Do not assume it will get better because in some cases it won't, and the pain to end the relationship is short-term whereas a long-term sexless relationship can be unbearably devastating. There are plenty of people on this forum that can attest to that.

You mentioned losing weight. Is there anything significant that has changed, such as changing jobs, not getting a promotion, moving in together, losing a friend or family member, getting a new pet, etc?

While many people assume it is always the female partner that doesn't want sex as much, the opposite can be true too. I have a friend who has shared with me numerous times that she isn't getting what she needs from her husband, and we joke that we should swap spouses because I am not getting what I need from my wife. If life were only that simple.

we have recently moved i got a job in another city a much better job one i'm much happier at. but this all started before then before talk of even moving started. i've become alot healthier i've been working out getting in shape and eating and living healthier honestly for myself not for him, i've had pretty serious medical issues in the past and i've finally gotten to a point where i'm doing well and feeling the healthiest i've felt in years.

we seemingly communicate well maybe i feel we do and he feels we don't but he wouldn't tell me that i don't feel at this point. he's always been very supportive though our relationship. by my side and been understanding if things have come up. we're getting along better than we have in the past we have date nights joke and have fun

it genuinely don't know what to do anymore. its to the point where i will even offer sorry if its TMI to give him a blow job and he dosent even want that.... and i just don't get it.

as you said while many would assume its the woman who doesn't want sex as much i don't feel like i ask for much really i dont need sex daily i don't need it all the time, but i don't like how it makes me feel being the one who is feeling 'deprived' 'neglected' whatever you want to call it.

we've in the past had a great sex life, fun enjoyable passionate and sex we both desired... and now its like i just want that connection still. and i don't know how to get it, i don't know how it went from something to nothing

[jen1447]

Crazy idea here but maybe you should spend some time apart. You can see if life gets better or worse without him, and maybe he'll appreciate you more when you're suddenly not always there.