[jns]

I wonder if having sex more often would slowly open her up to all of the things she used to enjoy.

Do you two want to have more kids? If you do, it's going to take more than twice a month for a reasonable assurance that you two are really trying.

Sometimes being goal oriented works.

[Lady Syrinx]

It could be undiagnosed clinical depression, your story seems eerily familiar to me. I'm not going to tell my entire story again (unless asked). I'll give a few pertinent details. I've been married about 10.5 years but we've been together for over 20 years. I was diagnosed with depression early in our relationship. We dealt with it fairly well though my libido was spotty. He would often complain about it. He'd suggest reading erotic stories and such. I didn't see much problem wth my libido after all we'd been together for a few years by then. We got married in 2003, about6-8 months later which I was rediagnosed with depression and AD/HD. And was put on an anti-depressant that was also supposed to help the AD/HD. What was a spotty libido became less and and less. As time wet on I started to feel like less of a woman and actually became extremely depressed while on the anti-depressant. ironically. I remember my husband saying so much of what you said. Especially, the idea that your wife has become a completely different person than who you married.

[Jaimillojaramillo]

Especially, the idea that your wife has become a completely different person than who you married.

How did you deal with it at the end, were you able to fix it? I know she is a bit frustrated and probably even a bit depressed because she feels that she can't do everything at 100%. She has told me that she feels like a bad mother, a bad worker, a bad friend and a bad wife because she can't dedicate enough time to each thing. When she is working he feels like she is neglecting the kids and when she is with the kids she feels like she should be working. Also the cash flow right now is not the best.

[Artistmum]

oh jesus this sounds similar to my own sex life heck you could baring a few details be my husband. I however love sex and intimacy . i have just completely lost all desire and lust for my husband the couple of times we have had sex in the last few months have been about him and not me. I lie there i take it i feel like little more than a sex toy. now we have a whole mess of problems in our marriage and communication and whilst we work on them i feel little to no interest in meeting him sexually.
i don't have a nanny or maid i study full time to get a degree and run the house and manage the childcare - he is finally showing me some support here . even if i did have help from a maid i think i would still feel a certain level of stress about it . like your wife i feel i should be able to do it all be the best wife mother and student - i can't it is simply too much work and not enough hours yet still i strive "maternal guilt" they call it. but enough about me . What can you do ? Love and support your wife send her love letters flirty texts , heck make her laugh facilitate her feeling happy accomplished and loved . let her know she isn't alone in feeling guilt over what she reasonably can't do and ask her how you can be more involved and help her feel more accomplished .
for me it is sexual attraction - my own towards my husband that has faded in part because i felt taken for granted and abused in the sense that i was expected to keep everything going regardless of my own personal development . maybe for her too , as certain level of peaks and valleys is normal in a marriage or so i am told so with time everything can return to better than ever (i hope for you and for me )
For women our sexuality and arousal is tied into every facet of our well being unless her heart mind and body are into it she isn't going to be able to enjoy sex so find a way to connect with her on a deeper level and wait for her to come to you desperately excited to feel you in her .

[jns]

Henry David Thoreau said "Our life is frittered away by detail. Simplify, simplify, simplify!" It sounds like you have too many things to do. There are only so many hours in a day. When you have too many eggs in your basket, some are bound to fall out. Be sure of what ones you want to keep and those you are willing to let go of. It is good that your husband is showing support but it may be that the intimacy egg has already fallen on the ground and has broken.

[Lady Syrinx]

How did you deal with it at the end, were you able to fix it? I know she is a bit frustrated and probably even a bit depressed because she feels that she can't do everything at 100%. She has told me that she feels like a bad mother, a bad worker, a bad friend and a bad wife because she can't dedicate enough time to each thing. When she is working he feels like she is neglecting the kids and when she is with the kids she feels like she should be working. Also the cash flow right now is not the best.

Not good at anything, sounds like she IS depressed to me. It took me a very long time accept the things my husband said during that period. Unfortunately, It took a 72 hour observation in the psych ward of a local hospital to straighten me and my meds out. Maybe she should try to get some outpatient psych treatment or at least see a psychiatrist. If she goes to a psychiatrist, she may have to see a few before she finds one she likes, That was my big mistake not trying to find the right fit for me. I stayed with the wrong psychiatrist for five years spinning my wheels because my psychologist had recommended him. I recommend looking for a female she might be more understanding of wife's complaints.

[Lady Syrinx]

for me it is sexual attraction - my own towards my husband that has faded in part because i felt taken for granted and abused in the sense that i was expected to keep everything going regardless of my own personal development . maybe for her too , as certain level of peaks and valleys is normal in a marriage or so i am told so with time everything can return to better than ever (i hope for you and for me )
For women our sexuality and arousal is tied into every facet of our well being unless her heart mind and body are into it she isn't going to be able to enjoy sex so find a way to connect with her on a deeper level and wait for her to come to you desperately excited to feel you in her .

Amen, Sister!! You're preaching to the choir here and I'm also proof that you and your relationship can be "born again", so to say.

In the lead up to my stay in the hospital I no had appreciable sex drive for about five years. It was primarily due to my anti-depressant, but there were other less significant issues as well. Anyway, after I had my stay in the hospital our sex life improved but there were still still lingering communication issues.

In December 2011 we went to the local Symphony Pops Christmas performance and walked out with a subscription for the remaining concerts in the series. When we missed the January show our communication issues made themselves very clear. I had agreed to the purchasing the subscription so we could start spending time together and possibly pull ourselves from the edge of the abyss we about to fall into. We spent the night of that first concert with friends. After that, I finally pushed myself to "confront" my husband about missing the concert. We discovered that we had some of the concerns. We both felt the other hadn't been the best spouse possible and we both felt taken for granted. I think we started taking each other for granted very early in our marriage because we'd been together far longer than than most couples. We dated for over 10 years, we met at seventeen. The time we spent together became commonplace, and lost the specialness of the time we'd spent together when we were dating. We has a very long talk and that discussion was probably the first step in getting our marriage and sex life to where it is today.

The March show came and we had our first "Pops date night." We went to dinner before the show, I couldn't remember the last time we'd gone out to dinner without friends. We had started to become the the "us" we'd been prior to the offending meds. I felt so close to him which translated into our sex life becoming what it is today. There's a level enjoyment we've never had at any other point in our relationship.

Ever since we've had our "Pops date nights," most of the year. When the season ends in June we find other things to do together . On top of that last September we finally took our our long delayed honeymoon. He was going to tech school we got married so we just spent a week at a local hotel. Anyway, we spent two weeks in Ireland. It was great.

When Maestro Marvin Hamlisch, Principal Conductor of the Pops, died in early 2012 he became the first Jewish saint in our book. We both believe that Pops performance saved our marriage.

What's the moral of my story?

Short version: Communication and spending time together do wonders for the libido.

Long Version: If you're having intimacy issues it's generally not about sex. It's probably about communication. Talk to to your SO he/she may be feeling some of the same of the same things. And find something, anything you can do together. No matter how small it may be, I never expected a Pops performance would be our savior. Also, It may seem as if he/she is only interested in the sexual side of it but he/she may desire the emotional connection even more the physical connection.

[sweet_peaa]

I can tell u from a lady's point of view I've been with my babies dad for 4 years now and we were hot for each other we would have sex anywhere even if it was real quick we would kiss like make out everything and now we have our daughter and I've noticed our sex life has calm down completely we don't even have four play anymore so idk if its just the getting use to but I notice its also bothering me now Cuz I'm starting to feel sexually frustrated but maybe its because I'm starting to feel distant from him so I'm not really to sure

[Lady Syrinx]

My little girl is now six, I think postpartum depression and the stress of being a new parent also figured into my situation too. We were in a very bad place for around a year prior to my hospital stay. We were very distant during that period, fighting a lot, it was a very tense situation. The situation was frustrating to both of us. For me, the frustration was based in the fact that I knew that I still wanted to connect to him the way we had before, both emotionally and physically. His was definitely not getting what he needed.sexually. Eventually, he took the path of least resistance, blaming himself. I think a guy can only take the excuses and lack of response for so long before he takes it personally. I don't know if this applies at all, I once described it to him like this my sex drive was tied up somewhere in my body and I was completely unable to to find the way to untie it.