[Intheshade]

I am at a loss. When I ask him what please him, he tells me that just being with me pleases him. I want details, I want to be able to rock his world.
When I ask about fantasies, he tells me he has never thought about it. I gave him an entire year to think about it, and he still hasn't come up with anything.

He is wonderful when it comes to pleasing me, he'll do anything I ask (except bite me, which he thinks is weird) but won't let me reciprocate. The problem is that I feel guilty. I rarely walk away unsatisfied, and if I do that is because my sleep medication interfered and not due to a lack of him giving 110% He is a giver, but for once I would like him to be a taker.

He tells me that it is due to a lack of experience prior to me but he has been married before and been in other relationships, we aren't exactly a younger couple. The first time I gave him a BJ he told me that no one had ever done that to him before. Cool, glad I could be his first, but I don't even know how he feels about it. He never asks for it, doesn't let me know if he liked it or not and yes, I ask, and the most I get is an unenthusiastic, "I liked it." And he usually has me stop after a very short time.

It bothers me, because I feel selfish, I am getting all the benefits of our sexual relationship, and he is getting none. It is affecting my ability to enjoy sex, when I can't do for him what he does for me.

I don't know what to do.

[effy2014]

This might be "outside the box", but have him read a book: "No More Mr. Nice Guy". The nice guy is a man who feels uncomfortable with or cannot express his own needs. It changed my life and it might change his. The most important part of the book for him will be reading the case studies of how the partner of the nice guy explains the difficulties his attitude brings to the relationship.

Convince him that your happiness depends upon your need to give as well as to receive. He needs to realize that, just as he needs to give, he must give you the space to reciprocate. Communication is the key to this.

[rcoreyus]

Is it possible that his fantasy IS to be passive and submissive? Its difficult to tell if someone doesn't care, or if for whatever reason they WANT to be told what to do.

In the end all you can do is ask, and you have done that. As I posted somewhere else, I have the same issue with my wife - she won't tell me what she likes.

[Intheshade]

I don't think he wants to be submissive. He doesn't seem to like it when I get demanding. It pushes him away.

The thing is, he is oddly innocent. Anything outside of missionary position with the lights off he thinks is kinky. There is a lot of stuff I would like to do, but if I told him, it would scare the crap out of him.
He has never watched porn, and has said he has no interest in it. Which I am glad for that one, but I have talked about flavored lubes and and other fairly normal things and he thought that was weird. There is so many things that I consider fairly normal, that he had no clue about. I mean, he was shocked the first time I asked him to shower with me. Also he was firmly under the belief that women couldn't have sex while PMS'ing or on their period.
It still baffles me that in this day and age he could be so innocent. I really liked that quality at first but now it is getting annoying.

Effy~ That might be a good idea, I'll look into that book. I do think part of the problem is that his ex did a number on his head. I know she was the one who had him convinced a woman could only have sex at certain times of the month. I think he was in a relationship where expressing his needs in any way shape or form was pretty much forbidden. I don't know if that is true or not, but I have gotten that impression.

[effy2014]

Intheshade:

Giving men often end up with takers, like his ex. She may have conditioned him or he may have been raised that way. In any event, be patient and take it slow. It may be annoying to be with an inexperienced man, but it is way better to be with a man who makes sure that you are satisfied than a man who thinks mostly about himself.

Can I ask whether he has self image or body issues? He may not think that he is worthy or sexy enough for you. Another trait of the overly nice guy.

Does he like to read? There is lots of erotic literature that can expose him to certain "kinky" things in a way that may be arousing (I like books rather than visual porn). You could also read passages to him in bed (one of my SO's favorite bed time rituals). You just need to get him in a place where it is safe for him to express his desires.

[Something_Awesome]

I am at a loss. When I ask him what please him, he tells me that just being with me pleases him. I want details, I want to be able to rock his world.
When I ask about fantasies, he tells me he has never thought about it. I gave him an entire year to think about it, and he still hasn't come up with anything.

He is wonderful when it comes to pleasing me, he'll do anything I ask (except bite me, which he thinks is weird) but won't let me reciprocate. The problem is that I feel guilty. I rarely walk away unsatisfied, and if I do that is because my sleep medication interfered and not due to a lack of him giving 110% He is a giver, but for once I would like him to be a taker.

He tells me that it is due to a lack of experience prior to me but he has been married before and been in other relationships, we aren't exactly a younger couple. The first time I gave him a BJ he told me that no one had ever done that to him before. Cool, glad I could be his first, but I don't even know how he feels about it. He never asks for it, doesn't let me know if he liked it or not and yes, I ask, and the most I get is an unenthusiastic, "I liked it." And he usually has me stop after a very short time.

It bothers me, because I feel selfish, I am getting all the benefits of our sexual relationship, and he is getting none. It is affecting my ability to enjoy sex, when I can't do for him what he does for me.

I don't know what to do.

I think his fantasy is being a tool for your pleasure. There are guys like this. Does he withhold climax with you? Or he is unable to climax? Does me maybe try to climax alone or using his hands on himself while he is with you so he can climax?

[Intheshade]

Something_Awesome:
Only until I do, which can be frustrating sometimes because I take a sleep/anxiety pill at night that makes orgasm difficult. During the day this isn't an issue, but if I have taken the pill and then he decides he wants to have sex the chance of me having an orgasm is greatly reduced. I tell him I don't care that just being with him is enough for me, but it isn't for him.

He actually told me last night he has never masturbated, at least not in the last 20 years. It was rooted in feeling undeserving.

Effy: I think you are correct. I am very lucky that I have a guy that cares so much about my pleasure. The only real annoying part is that I want to return the same.

Can I ask whether he has self image or body issues? He may not think that he is worthy or sexy enough for you. Another trait of the overly nice guy.

OMG yes.
He has the brainiac, Trekkie, geek thing going on, but I think it's hot. My friends joke, "who needs Wikipedia with him around." He literally is a walking talking encyclopedia. I don't think he can see how I can see that as a turn on.
His experience is that girls see that as a paycheck while they take lovers on the side, which is exactly what his ex did.

He does read, and I do have plenty of erotic literature on hand. That is a great idea.

[effy2014]

Intheshade --

He is lucky to have you. Best of luck

[PhrendlyPhil]

Intheshade: Your willingness to please him is already on the right track. You're probably going to have to guide him along to help him express what he likes. Here are a few suggestions to help move things along: 1) Keep up the fellatio. Most men really enjoy this (even if they're the quiet type). You could offer to let him cum in your mouth (if you're ok with that) or let him cum on your breasts and or face (a really big fantasy for a lot of men). 2) Spice it up with some mutual masturbation. You do yourself and he does himself and you both enjoy watching each other (and of course at the end you let him or even encourage him to decorate some part of your body with his semen). 3) You ask him to perform cunnilingus on you. You'd be surprised how many men love doing this just for its own sake. He might enjoy the smell, the taste, and especially the site of your vulva.