[Cari1273]

Hi I'm a 40yr old single mom of four children. I was with my ex husband for 19 years. I had no problems with him in the bedroom. Sometimes I felt he wanted it too much even though it was great. My problem with him was his infidelty. I have been with my 29 yr old bf for 1.5 yr. In the beginning the sex was often and spontaneous. The sex is great but I was surprised to learn that after he orgasmed he's not usually ready to go again. A few times he tried to go again for me but he just couldn't achieve an erection. He made up for it by making me orgasm during oral but that's dwindled.I love sex and have been in touch with my sexual self since I was a young girl. I masturbated often and still do. My bf doesn't know I've been masturbating because he's insecure about his size. My dildos are bigger but his size is perfect for me. I have no complaints. Well lately now sex has been rare and I've been feeling unattractive and undesired. We've talked and he says that he feels like I think he should just be ready whenever I want and that sex isn't what our relationship is based on. It's gotten to the point where I'm afraid to mention sex because I don't want to get turned down. He notices that there is something wrong and asks me about it but I just say nothing is wrong. Other than this we're great. We go out, we have great conversations, he gets along with my teenage children, he buys me nice things, and we cuddle, kiss and touch. I feel like there's something wrong with me for wanting it so much. I can't help that I'm so attracted to him that I just want him all of the time. He says I'm the best that he's ever had but why doesn't he want it as much? Please help I don't know what else to do.

[Patti-here]

Something that it could be (I’m not positive about the ages) but from what I understand, we reach our sexual peak between the age of 35 to 40, men your B/Fs age are usually on the decline, (usually) not always, but your sexual cravings are most likely to be stronger than his at this point, talk things over with him and see if he can satisfy you orally when you’re ready and he’s not.

Sorry if I’m not much help.

[effy2014]

Everyone here will agree that having a high sex drive, whether you are 40 or 20 or 50 should not be a problem in a relationship. You feel that you have a great guy and are in a secure relationship -- great sex should follow. The fact that he can only "go" once a session (although at 29 that is a surprise) should also not be an impediment to your satisfaction. At 55, unless we do morning and night, I'm a one orgasm guy . . . but my SO and I do so much else that I believe she is fulfilled all the time.

Having given you the sanity check, the two of you need to work on your communication skills. You may have nice conversations, but try to,hide the elephant in the room. As you learned in your first marriage (I hope) honest communication is essential. Have the two of you explored if he is having any issues? Sex begins in the brain and if he is feeling depressed, intimidated by your sexuality, having issues as work, overwhelmed by having or feeling responsible to a 5 person family at 29 or any number of other things. He is clearly feeling inferior in size and worse yet, inferior in the bedroom to your ex. Solve the other issues, solve the sex issues. Don't forget, that while some believe that age is just a number, you are waaaayyyyy more mature than he is and you will have to help him grow up a bit. Couples therapy is an option as are relationship books. If you want suggestions on how to approach things, sp's post in the sex forum thread "How can I get my Husband to Understand ...." will be good to read.

That said, you will not be happy in a dwindling sex relationship. Trading a cheating husband for a non-sexual BF will not make it for you. Be honest with who you are and hold out for true compatibility.

[jen1447]

My guess is just performance anxiety. There's certainly nothing wrong with you for having a healthy sex appetite, so stop thinking that right now. It sounds like there's really not much wrong with him either. I'd just communicate honestly that sex is very important for your fulfillment. You'll have to get around the "using me for sex" distraction and explain to him that there's nothing unreasonable about your needs. Then lay your plans, which really need be nothing more than having him work on you in other ways if he's already spent, or if the both of you want to be more serious about it, have him work on kegal exercises. In the early days with my BF he had trouble staying hard after orgasming too, but he's since worked up his endurance enough that he can now, or even if he has a little recovery time, he can get hard again without much trouble, even tho he won't be orgasming again any time soon. So it's doable if you want to put in the effort.

Probably most important tho is to communicate that you're not judging him by any of this. Your love is unchanged, you just want more satisfaction, and naturally from him.

[Cari1273]

Well he have had the talk several times. We do communicate and I have told him how important it is. I can take into consideration his feelings and never thought about him feeling inferior to my ex. Or the fact that he is less mature. I feel that he is very mature for his age. That's one of the things that attracted me to him. He isn't your average 29 yr old male. Thank you all that responded. I will continue to try. I believe that we are compatible. Sex is great just not as often as I'd like.

[effy2014]

There is an issue, whatever it may be. A 29 y/o man does not just give up on oral or the frequency of sex. It is hard to walk on eggshells or to accept a sex life that is less than adequate. Do keep trying ... it appears that the relationship is good in every other respect.