[Foxfire]

So this is just completely too complicated, and involves emotions that are just too big for me to sort all of this out on my own. Considering seeing a therapist, but some good advice might help in the meantime?

My Husband and I have been married for 10 years as of last week, but we have been together for nearly 18 years and sexually active for 13, so we have a long history and we were each others first partners.
Our sex life has almost always been dysfunctional, with rare periods of time where we actually click fairly well.

The only way I can really explain all of our issues is to just make a list, so, here we go! And pardon my bluntness, I'm not in the mood for coming up with frilly metaphors.

He rushes everything, and has a hard time understanding how much I enjoy building up before he starts doing things like shoving his fingers inside me or roughly jabbing at my clit without lubrication.

He often spends half the time we're having sex trying to convince me to let him ejaculate in my mouth, which I'm not okay with. I love giving him head, and I will let him ejaculate anywhere else, including my face, but I just can't handle it in my mouth and the last time I let him I almost threw up on the bed. In all honesty, though, I really love giving head, and I just wish that he could appreciate that instead of always trying to convince me to do something that I hate.

He doesn't pick up on cues that I'm enjoying something and he should continue, and also doesn't listen or retain the information when I flat out tell him what I like or what I'd like him to keep doing. I feel like he just doesn't care enough to remember from one minute to the next.

I have told him many many times the things I would like to try in bed, and the things that would really make me happy to do or have done, and he says he's interested as well, but he never follows through. Very specifically I'm interested in bondage and being dominated. I mean, it's not like I want to tie HIM up...I could understand if he wasn't down for that, but why can't he do something for me? For a very long time I wasn't interested in giving him head, but I learned to love it for his sake because I know how much he enjoys it. I just feel like he's a lazy lover and doesn't want to try anything new no matter how much it interests me.

He has said a couple of things that really hurt my feelings, and no matter how much time passes they stick with me. One being that blowjobs are his favorite part of sex. Which really just broke my heart because he chose the one thing we do that's completely one sided as his favorite thing, and it really brought in to focus how the entire time we'll be having sex, he keeps steering me back to giving him head, and his insistence on ejaculating in my mouth. And I always had a nagging feeling that ****ing me just wasn't what got him off, and him saying that completely solidified it.
The other thing was said a looooong time ago, and I hate that I can't let it go. We used to have a pretty easy time when it came to getting me off- he was pretty good at oral and got me off every time. Then I made the mistake of asking him if he liked it to which he replied "it's alright" in a very unenthusiastic way. After that I just couldn't enjoy it anymore and it was years before I let him go down on me again.

So that brings me to my issues. After years and years of fighting for a better sex life, I have started to have more and more trouble relaxing and enjoying anything done just for me in the bedroom. If we only have sex, or I give him a blowjob, I'm fine and I can enjoy it, but the moment he touches my ***** with anything other than his ****, I completely shut down and just want to push him away. There is no better way for him to turn me off than to try and do anything that's just for me. He has tried to eat me out, but I can't stand it- I feel like I'm taking too long and honestly I know there's a lot of self worth issues involved in it and all I can think about is what he said and how in the world could it be different now? I've spent so many years trying to make our sex life better, but feeling unheard and ignored that I think it's screwed up my ability to be open to pleasure that's just for me. Every time he tries anything like fingering me it just ****es me off more than anything because I can't not think of every time I've told him how I like to be touched, and the things he said, and how he's just sloppily fumbling away like he's never seen a ***** in his entire life.

Logically I can tell myself that all of this is just crazy, and I should just relax and enjoy it...but arousal isn't really a logical thing and neither are orgasms.

On top of all of this my Husband has started having trouble staying erect if we take longer than say, 1/2 an hour from start to finish. He doesn't have trouble masturbating and he says it's because he's getting fatigued too easily and needs to build up endurance, which I'm not doubting at all (though I'm trying to convince him to see a doctor, and a good part of me thinks it's really linked to stress from finances)...it just doesn't help things in the least bit and is incredibly frustrating and I don't let it show but it just makes me so freaking mad. We've had all of these problems...and now just one more thing is in the way, y'know?

And so yeah, it's just a huge emotional mess and I really am completely lost as to how to get it even a little sorted out. I know it's a long shot with things being so messy, but any advice would be greatly appreciated...

[effy2014]

In my view, this is less a sex problem than it is a communication and relationship problem. As your story illustrates, the enjoyment of sex starts in the brain. If you feel stress or feel unappreciated/taken advantage of, how can you enjoy being touched. The worst is going to the bedroom wondering what problems will happen this time. Hardly an aphrodisiac.

The two of you need to communicate, not fight, about all of this (including that he needs to see a doctor), preferably with a marriage counselor. Why does he have a hard time understanding your need to build up to intercourse or the need for lube? What are his issues on spicing things up? Does he know that you are still stressing over his comments about BJs and going down on you? Fighting and sharing feelings are two different things . . . He also needs to know that this is a serious issue for you and that there will be some consequence for failing to follow through. If you want to reach good approaches to communicating, you should read Dr. Sue Johnson's book "Hold Me Tight".

I can understand why he likes BJs better than sex, especially if he is having erectile issues. It has nothing to do with his love for you or your attractiveness, it gets him out of having to perform or worry about his erection. You are right . . . He is being lazy and not being a giving and caring lover. But it really is not a reflection on you -- it sounds like you are very skilled. You may just have to learn to let that one go.

I will say that there must be a path to redemption on the old comments. Frankly, I do not understand a man who does not like performing cunilingus on his partner. But if he is willing to try again, you need to be able to forgive him. Have him read the enthusiastic comments the men on this forum have on cunilingus and analingus. Have him read the book "She Comes First" by Ian Kerner.

[rcoreyus]

Its always difficult to get a picture of what is going on from just quick descriptions on the web. Let me just talk about sex, not what might be more important other issues in the relationship.

It seems he has a fetish for you to give him oral and have him finish in your mouth. Like any fetish this isn't rational, he probably can't explain it, he just wants it. By itself that isn't so unusual, what I see is the biggest problem is that he doesn't seem to know how, or possibly doesn't care about pleasing you. If he doesn't care, then that is very big problem.

I don't know how either of you really feel about things, so the following might be way off base. In case what is going on is that he has a sort of (completely irrational but still maybe real) resentment over the blowjob thing. Give him a complete blowjob and let him finish in your mouth. Then, without in any way tying it to what you did the previous night, the next time ask him to tie you up / dominate you or whatever you want. Don't push the issue, just see if once you have given him exactly what he wants, he is now willing to do exactly what you want. If he says no, don't push it, but you will know for sure that he is a selfish lover, and there may be no way to cure that. Another approach is to combine your fantasies, tell him that he can tie you up and dominate you, ending with a complete BJ finishing in your mouth (but maybe that would ruin the experience for you).

Many people may think this is bad advice, and they may well be right. I'm suggesting you do something you really don't like for someone who seems unwilling to do anything for you. The idea is that this will (in my mind) clarify the situation. Does he just have a specific hang-up and fetish and that is ruining everything for him, or is he simply a selfish lover who doesn't care at all about you.

Maybe you already know the answer. It sure sounds like he doesn't care at all about you. If that is true, you need to ask yourself why you are still with him.

To be clear, I'm not saying you "should" do this, just that it might be a way to get a clear answer to a very important question. I think though, that you already know the answer .

[Motorguy]

Hello FoxFire I am going to be very blunt with you on this. Your husband is so very selfish when it come to the bedroom sex life. I would be right up front with him you do not enjoy oral sex and even more you don't care for swallowing his come not counting the caveman style of him with his fingers inside your vagina it's almost barbarity in your describing of the act. Even worse he wants sex his way only his way. I know it takes two to have sex together so it should be up to you to allow this sex act it you not comfortable with it then don't do it. I know if I did this with my wife she would and quote enjoy your hand for a while till I change my attitude in the bedroom. Nothing stopping you from saying NO stop all this crap and having it his way only. I does not go with the other issue for acting like a complete A hole in the bedroom giving him this excuse to do so, no way everyone have personally issue in there life don't do this stuff you discuss here in this thread.You can put your foot down and say you need to see a sex therapist and work out his barbarity issue you have with sex with you his wife who suppose to love and cherish.It sounds like you want this to stop and change but nothing will because you allowed it to go on for too long now.He won't till he gets the correct therapy for this issue good luck and god bless you.

[LilahX]

You say yr love life has been dysfunctional almost from day one so expecting change after 13 years is a big ask, especially from a guy who appears to only have self-interest. I agree with Effy, this is first and foremost a relationship issue as I'm sure his attitude isn't confined only to the bedroom. Communication is definitely the ultimate way to address problems so hopefully you both can have a heart-to-heart about how you feel about each other and the state of your relationship (in and out of the bedroom) will either improve things are show you that it may be time to call it quits. If you can learn to relate to each other, listen to each other and really care in daily aspects of your life together it will flow over to the bedroom. Good luck!!