[Cecily]

I've been with my bf for 6 months and I just found out he is a crossdresser. I had suspected he was about 2 months ago and talked to him about it. He told me he wasn't but I didn't believe him so I just dropped it. I figured he needed more time to come to me and be more comfortable in our relationship. I made sure to make the point that I was completely open to it but that I would feel betrayed if he was seeking others to crossdress with him and going behind my back to get his needs fulfilled. He promised me he wouldn't.
I found out very recently that he had posted craigslist ads seeking other crossdressers. The first ones were just to make friends and meet people like him. The next few were to meet up with other men who crossdress. They seemed to be just about sex. I confronted him because I felt betrayed by his actions. He felt ashamed and really bad about being dishonest but he promised me he had not slept with anyone while he was with me. I'm still trying to understand his sexuality and I'm willing to accept him and be with him, but I'm worried he doesn't understand who he is.
He told me that 99% of the time he feels like a heterosexual male but that every once in awhile he wants to crossdress. Our sex is great and our relationship in general has been the best. I'm hurt by what he did mainly because I don't understand it. He's explained to me that he's never talked about his crossdressing to anyone so I could see why he has kept it from me. I'm willing to be with him and have a relationship based on honesty and conversation. I've made it clear that I am monogamous and that even if he is a crossdresser or bisexual that I have my boundaries. I want to be with only him and I want him to want the same. He's assured me that he wants the same thing.
Although it's been a couple days, I don't know how to begin to talk to him. My biggest fear right now is that I will give him my full trust, but he will either try to suppress his needs or go behind my back again.
Just looking for any advice or similar experiences. Thanks!

[effy2014]

Let's forget about the cross dressing for a moment. Your boyfriend lied to you 2 months ago. You tried to make it as comfortable as you could for him to tell you the truth and he lied to you again. Worse yet, he was seeking out other men for cross dressing and sex. If this were a 10 year relationship, I would have a different perspective, but your comment that "our relationship is the best" is rather naive. He has shown himself to be completely untrustworthy about something he knows is a huge issue for you. How can the two of you build a relationship?

As for the cross dressing, it is clear that it is a part of him. Whether that makes him bisexual, I have no clue. The question is whether he can get the same thrill out of cross dressing just with you? Having advertised in Craig's List, I find that doubtful.

You need to communicate with him about the trust issues more than the cross dressing and see if he can rebuild the trust essential for a relationship.

[Cecily]

Yes his dishonesty is something I could never forget. Maybe I am being naive and trying really hard to continue our relationship. I am trying to be as understanding as I can without making him feel ashamed. He has stressed that he only wants to be with me and be completely open and that it's taken him longer to realize that. He's explained that the craigslist ads were him trying to deal with his needs (almost suppress them) by creating "characters" so as to relieve himself of those urges. That he never actually wanted to meet up with these men and cheat on me. I don't know if this is complete bull****. I guess I just have to ask more questions and talk to him and decide then what I want and whether or not he can give me that. Thanks so much for your reply!

[effy2014]

Good luck to you. I hope he will be able not only to suppress the urges, but to rid himself of them if they are destructive to your relationship.

[Patti-here]

Well as long as he doesn't wear the same dress size as you, it's probably ok, I hate other people barrowing my clothes

[Baboy]

Very funny Patti, and I thought I was the only one displaying a warped sense of humor here today.

Sorry for the levity Cecily; not meant to detract from your thread. If I had something useful to offer on the subject, I'd say so.

You have an intelligent advisor in effy, I can offer no better.

[Patti-here]

I'm sorry too Cecily, I honestly don't have any advice in matters such as this.

[Motorguy]

I've been with my bf for 6 months and I just found out he is a crossdresser. I had suspected he was about 2 months ago and talked to him about it. He told me he wasn't but I didn't believe him so I just dropped it. I figured he needed more time to come to me and be more comfortable in our relationship. I made sure to make the point that I was completely open to it but that I would feel betrayed if he was seeking others to crossdress with him and going behind my back to get his needs fulfilled. He promised me he wouldn't.
I found out very recently that he had posted craigslist ads seeking other crossdressers. The first ones were just to make friends and meet people like him. The next few were to meet up with other men who crossdress. They seemed to be just about sex. I confronted him because I felt betrayed by his actions. He felt ashamed and really bad about being dishonest but he promised me he had not slept with anyone while he was with me. I'm still trying to understand his sexuality and I'm willing to accept him and be with him, but I'm worried he doesn't understand who he is.
He told me that 99% of the time he feels like a heterosexual male but that every once in awhile he wants to crossdress. Our sex is great and our relationship in general has been the best. I'm hurt by what he did mainly because I don't understand it. He's explained to me that he's never talked about his crossdressing to anyone so I could see why he has kept it from me. I'm willing to be with him and have a relationship based on honesty and conversation. I've made it clear that I am monogamous and that even if he is a crossdresser or bisexual that I have my boundaries. I want to be with only him and I want him to want the same. He's assured me that he wants the same thing.
Although it's been a couple days, I don't know how to begin to talk to him. My biggest fear right now is that I will give him my full trust, but he will either try to suppress his needs or go behind my back again.
Just looking for any advice or similar experiences. Thanks!

I am pretty set in my feeling on being honest in a relationship and when you been lied too twice by your boy friend he already got two strikes now.Cross dressing is one thing making dates with other men to have sex with them, well right there with me I am not sure your relationship can with stand all this. Its seem he wants to live both life's as a straight man and gay man that does not work at all. Is he using condoms with these men you don't need a std's from him or maybe worse. I would give him a demand it's either you faithfully or his gay life style because both life style will not work for you at all.You only have 6 month invested in this relationship now and it seem he lied the whole time during it. Find a guy who will show you some respect and not cheat on you period. So good luck on your decision what ever you decide to do with your boy friend your relationship with him or will he seek therapy to get over these feeling of crossing and why he needs to have sex with strange men and not be with you only.

[LilahX]

Personally I don't think it's fair for someone to expect their partner to deny who or what they are. He likes to cross dress and most likely is interested in sex with men. If you can't deal with this and be secure in his feelings for you to either let him explore this on his own, or with you, then you need to let him go so he can be with someone who won't put restrictions on his sexuality.

I have a good friend who took up with a guy who loves to cross dress, most of the time. Ok, they have a very open sexual life anyway, but she encouraged him to be himself, bought clothes for him and loved him for who he is. They meet other crossdressing guys for 'fun' and it has brought them so much closer. She doesn't doubt his love for her and his fetish has nothing to do with the depth or genuineness of his feelings for her.

It is a difficult position to be in and I hope you work out the solution that is best or you both.

[effy2014]

I think it's less about the fetish and more about being up front about it. Cecily's BF should have told her much earlier in the relationship that he was a cross dresser and she could made the decision to stay or leave before she developed an emotional attachment. When she learned about it 6 months into the relationship and that he both hid it and lied about it, that was tough to take.

So Lilah, while I agree that cross dressing does not have end a relationship, the cross dresser is obligated to reveal his fetish.