[ecsdgirl]

I just stumbled accidentally upon the worse thing ever to find out about my BF. He is apparently Bisexual and has been engaging in sex with men well frankly long before me even. I used his laptop today and out of sheer habit I clicked on the email client on the laptop and it brought up an email account I had never seen before, well the messages sitting in there were just shocking. emails from him to other men sexually explicit, ads he posted for himself on craigslist and let me tell you when I say I found out the worst news it wasn't that he was having sex with men in general its that he is the submissive!!Her is so aggressive with me but what i saw today hes actually the opposite. Im stunned, I am reeling and I have no idea what to do, how to confront him Im lost. make matters worse hes not the confront type, so that wont go well no matter how or when I do it. does anyone have any advice on where to even start from here?

[Baboy]

Welcome to the forum, ecdsgirl.

I am a man and have not much to offer at this point. The women here will be thinking deeply, rather than trying to jump in quickly in an attempt to solve your problem without due consideration.

While they are engaged in their deliberations, may I ask the age bracket of you and bf and how long you have been together? And how together? Living together? Seeing each other once in awhile? These details will help in formulating an appropriate response.

[Motorguy]

I just stumbled accidentally upon the worse thing ever to find out about my BF. He is apparently Bisexual and has been engaging in sex with men well frankly long before me even. I used his laptop today and out of sheer habit I clicked on the email client on the laptop and it brought up an email account I had never seen before, well the messages sitting in there were just shocking. emails from him to other men sexually explicit, ads he posted for himself on craigslist and let me tell you when I say I found out the worst news it wasn't that he was having sex with men in general its that he is the submissive!!Her is so aggressive with me but what i saw today hes actually the opposite. Im stunned, I am reeling and I have no idea what to do, how to confront him Im lost. make matters worse hes not the confront type, so that wont go well no matter how or when I do it. does anyone have any advice on where to even start from here?

Well Ecsdgirl is a really tough one,first you was kind of snooping and he will bring that up if you confront him about it all. I would let your self calm down from what you found and relax maybe if you have a dear close friend you can talk with who doesn't tell everyone about this and get some idea of what to do next. I would be more into getting your self check for a STD'S if he's had sex with a guy. You in a very touchy position so you must be careful of what move you make next if he's not the confront type of guy and fly's off the handle of you snoopy on his computer and get violent so be careful and good luck.

[ecsdgirl]

Welcome to the forum, ecdsgirl.

I am a man and have not much to offer at this point. The women here will be thinking deeply, rather than trying to jump in quickly in an attempt to solve your problem without due consideration.

While they are engaged in their deliberations, may I ask the age bracket of you and bf and how long you have been together? And how together? Living together? Seeing each other once in awhile? These details will help in formulating an appropriate response.

I am 42 he is 37 we have been together for a year living together for 4 months

[ecsdgirl]

I wasn't snooping, he told me I could use his laptop for work and out of habit I clicked the Microsoft outlook, I was in no way snooping! Thats awful thats the 1st thing you say.. must be a man... I feel like I have been lied to and deceived for an entire year, and frankly it doesn't matter how I found out the SOB has been cheating with men! He is not the confront type and I'm a plan B kinda of person, and I am a woman so I will plan and execute whatever I chose to do with precision.

[DreamP346]

ecsdgirl, before you talk to him, maybe you need to think things out for yourself. Here are some questions to ask:

He cheated on you. Is that the end of the relationship for you or is there a possibility of working through it?

He cheated with a man. Same question as before.

He was dishonest and lied to you. Can you ever trust him again?

If the relationship is over, then there is no point discussing with him. Either pack your stuff or ask him to leave. If you think there is still a possibility of working through this, then sit down and try to talk it through with him. If he can't talk things with you, then there really isn't anything to work on. The relationship is over. But if he wants to work it out, then you guys have a lot more things you need to think about.

[Something_Awesome]

I don't mean to freak you out, but the first thing I thought of after reading your topic is that you should get checked for STD's. STD's seem to be real common amongst gay/bi guys. They also tend to have many male partners, which makes STD's even more likely.

[Claret]

Okay, so from what you say you don't really mind him being gay." let me tell you when I say I found out the worst news it wasn't that he was having sex with men in general its that he is the submissive" - what you seem to take exception to is the fact that with you he isn't submissive but is rather dominant and with his other life the opposite is true.

I'd just like to point out that if you can accept that he has this other lifestyle, then you should be able to accept that he is a different person than when he is with you. He is who he is with you because that is the type of relationship the two of you have evolved into. He probably acts one way because he thinks that is how you want him to act; have him be the strong macho type if you will. In this other life he doesn't have to act that way and he can be however he wants.

The best thing you can do right now is to ask him whether or not he has acted out any of these things you found on the e-mail. Ask if he knows them and has met them in person, ask him whether or not this is the lifestyle he would like to pursue. You at least get some answers by asking. Then, as Motorguy said, if he has met and acted with these contacts you need to know whether or not protection was used, and you need to get tested not only for STDs but for HIV AIDS as well.

Once you have these answers you are in a position of making a rational decision. He also has time to consider what he wants.

The only other thing I can say is to approach him with this news that you know, in a non-judgemental non-confrontational manner.

[Motorguy]

I wasn't snooping, he told me I could use his laptop for work and out of habit I clicked the Microsoft outlook, I was in no way snooping! Thats awful thats the 1st thing you say.. must be a man... I feel like I have been lied to and deceived for an entire year, and frankly it doesn't matter how I found out the SOB has been cheating with men! He is not the confront type and I'm a plan B kinda of person, and I am a woman so I will plan and execute whatever I chose to do with precision.

Well yes I am a man and I was not trying to come across being that way. I was only saying that what he's going to do or say to you if you brought this up to your boy friend about finding these ads with having sex with men. Your right I do not believe in cheating I never would on my wife period. Even more you have been lied too about his extra affairs with men and that is so so wrong. If i came across sounding this was your fault in no way was I thinking that at all and I am truly very sorry if I did. But just your story saying he would fly off the handle badly if he found out now you did find out this information. This is going to be a very tough decision for you to make how you going to proceed with the next step but i did say please go get check for a STD'S you have no idea if he's having safe sex with these strange men he's been hooking up with. If you afraid of what he may do then tell him on the phone what you found and walk away you be safe and not around if he fly's off the handle over this be careful on what ever you decide to do good luck.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I am not sure what I would do in this situation. I guess I'd want to know if I was "real" or not, or whether I am a dime in a dozen. He's 37 and not married, been with you a year what about before that? Short term girlfriends? 1,2,3 years? I think I would attempt to gather evidence for my own sanity before broaching anything with him. I'd want to know if he really is bi, gay or really wanting a woman in his life but has a past he is having trouble letting go of. If he is capable of loving a woman, "me"...

Then I'd ask the question why he allowed me to use the laptop if he had "secret" information on there that I could possibly see, did he want me to see it, find it.....

I also agree with Claret, in as much as it appears you are more worried about his stance sexually with you, verses with men is that because you feel used? As in, there he is the submissive one but here, he acts out as the other male upon male as if he's experiencing the other side only on you. If that is what you are feeling, I would understand that.

I'm not sure once I found all of that out as to whether I would stay to be honest. I wouldn't be anyone's cover-up and that's what I am feeling just reading what you wrote.

Do you know his background?